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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be concerned about my friend giving birth in the USA?

802 replies

YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 17/10/2013 22:16

My friend 'P' got pregnant by an american citizen (unplanned, on holiday kind of thing...) anyway, cut a long story short: he has said that whilst he isn't interested in her (and much less in coming over to the UK to play happy families), he, and moreover his mother, seem very keen for P to come over and give birth in the US, all expenses paid.

Whilst this seems like a nice gesture on the face of it, i'm a bit worried. Notwithstanding the fact that P seems to honestly think she's gonna fly to the USA alone at about 35 weeks pregnant (don't they have rules about this sort of thing?) with all the suitcases in tow, if a baby is born in the USA i'm worried it will be an 'american citizen' and as such, won't just be allowed to fly back to the UK. Do any mumsnetters know about this?

I'm haven't said much yet because I don't want to hurt her feelings or scare her, I know at the end of the day it's her choice... but I can't help thinking she hasn't thought this through. What do you guys think?

OP posts:
JustBecauseICan · 21/10/2013 08:14

I kind of see where Sofia is coming from....but I think the reality is more likely to be that "P" is visualising this hearts and flowers turnaround once the man sees his ickle biddy baby.

Yoni- how does she talk about her feelings towards this man? Do you actually believe what she is saying about him wanting to do all this? Because I find it quite far fetched. For me, the more logical situation is that this woman has got pregnant, wants this man desperately to want her, and think that if she turns up on his doorstep it will all magically be OK.

merrymouse · 21/10/2013 09:01

I think you could have a point just. Is she telling the truth or just trying to explain getting on the plane?

whatever5 · 21/10/2013 09:06

I agree with quietitude that getting married to the father won't solve your friends problems as she won't automatically be entitled to stay in the US.

A couple of my friends married US citizen's who they had met while working in the US. After getting married they had to come back to the UK. It took several months for them to a green card and during that time they couldn't enter the US.

olgaga · 21/10/2013 09:34

As this thread has developed I have begun to wonder if you know the full story OP. Particularly in relation to the attitude of your friend's family.

I just can't fathom why she would go to the US at all if the father has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with her.

Does she actually want to keep the baby? Has she been offered a financial incentive you're not aware of?

ljny · 21/10/2013 11:15

She won't be trapped in the US. She'll probably be kicked out, leaving her baby behind.

That's not an adventure. It's a nightmare.

nightcircus · 21/10/2013 11:27

Do they routinely circumcise in America too?

NatashaBee · 21/10/2013 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel · 21/10/2013 12:35

This all seems a very convoluted scheme for someone you dont care about to give birth to a baby you arent interested in. It would seem that there must be some very high stakes if he is willing to marry to OP to ensure the baby is born in the US.

If they were that bothered about the birth they could just send some money so she could go to the Lindo.

I cannot believe that your friend thinks anyone would go to these lengths without a very worrying ulterior motive.

hiddenhome · 21/10/2013 12:41

The father might not be interested in the child, but I bet his mother is. I'd wager that she's behind all this Hmm

birdybear · 21/10/2013 12:43

op, you seem to be all about the drama. Staging an intervention, talking to her family, emailing the govt and tipping off customs, then stealing her passport and reporting it missing....

Have you ever just thought about, picking up the phone, calling her, and telling her your concerns? Present her with the facts and then she can do as she chooses?

paddyclampo · 21/10/2013 12:43

There are people who have bad experiences in NHS hospitals just as they do in hospitals in any country around the work. But many many people have positive experiences in UK hospitals so tarring them all with the same brush is very naive but it might be what the OP's "in laws" are doing.

There is a tendency by some (not all) of my fellow Americans to think that the UK is some kind of third world country and they live in this fairy castle where they think everything in America is rosy.

Sofia i don't think people are being negative they are being realistic. Sure there might be a happy ending to this but I think the greater chance is that it won't. As has already been stated even if she does marry the baby's father - and why the hell would she marry a man who doesn't love her - she would then have to leave the US while her greencard is processed. This can take months, and the chances are that the baby would not be leaving with her!

I would tip off the airline, US immigration, anybody to stop this woman making this stupid mistake! If he wants to make this work he can come to the UK and do it from this side. End of!

Viviennemary · 21/10/2013 12:47

At first I thought you should just let her get on with it when I saw the title. But I think you are right to be concerned. Has she looked into the rules re visas and so on. I can't think why she even wants to go to the US to give birth away from all her own family and friends. And would she be allowed to fly at 35 weeks pregnant. So many ifs and buts.

ivykaty44 · 21/10/2013 13:14

wow the US has highest death rate of new born babies in the developed world Shock

laraeo · 21/10/2013 13:31

I think this thread has gone off in a dozen different directions. I think it's getting very dramatic and straying from the initial concerns which to my mind revolve around custody issues and the more immediate concern of what hospital/insurance etc would be used.

The only thing you can do is tell her your worried, see if she's addressed your worries in a reasonable manner & wish her luck regardless of her decision - even if you disagree w/it.

IMO, there's more going on than we're privy to.

JustBecauseICan · 21/10/2013 14:08

I still think my version is right. That P is telling all of this to her mates because she thinks it shows her in a better light than the slightly more mundane, oops got pregnant and he doesn't want to know so I'm going to sit outside his window crying till he accepts me.

JenaiMorris · 21/10/2013 19:57

Just, your theory seems pretty likely tbh.

Whatever the truth though, going over to the US to have this baby is a terrible idea.

paddyclampo · 22/10/2013 19:06

Any news OP?

cherryademerrymaid · 22/10/2013 19:32

sofia - rose tinted glasses are all very well and good so ling as you have a plan B in the event of a tits-up situation - what do you propose this girl do to protect her position if she goes ahead a has bubs in the states? Do you gave any experience at all with international custody disputes? Do you realise if it goes tits-up she's going to need a lot of money to pay for a very good legal team and that there's a good chance that that money will be spent with a baby-living-in-the-US ending? Not such a Disney fairy-tale ending. Its all very well and good looking on the bright side but e its just plain stupid to not plan for rain.

SofiaAmes · 22/10/2013 23:34

Actually I do have experience with international custody issues. What I was suggesting was to find out a little more about the full picture before condemning it completely. And yes, absolutely help her make a plan B because she seems pretty determined (from the op's description) to go ahead with her plan regardless. I think that allowing the possibility that there could be a good outcome (and happiness) doesn't need to preclude you from preparing for the downside and might just make life a little happier if you also prepare for a good outcome. If she is determined to go to the USA no matter what, then she might find that she is in a better position legally and financially if things do go wrong, if she is married to the father of the child. I am an American getting divorced from my second English husband and have spent a fair amount of time living in both countries and dealing with divorce, financial and custody issues in both places so am speaking with a fair amount of experience and knowledge under my belt. If the op's friend is determined to go, then the op will not be able to stop her and would be more help to her guiding her towards developing a Plan B (like setting up an appointment with an family law or immigration lawyer before she goes), than tipping off the us immigration service or stealing her passport.

Alfirin · 23/10/2013 01:48

She cannot afford to risk giving birth in the US, even with an offer of 'expenses paid'. Without insurance, it will cost way more than the father's family will be able to pay. If ANYTHING goes adrift, the cost will escalate sharply.

How sharply? My daughter was born at 28 weeks by emergency C section. The bill for that, plus her NICU stay of 3 and a half months came to 1.8 million dollars. They bill you for everything, including things you would not believe. You do not pay a reasonable 'cost' either. Luckily we had insurance (I'd only just got it a few weeks before, after being a new immigrant from the UK, so thank goodness it came through in time).

BadgerB · 23/10/2013 11:03

If she wants the child's father to have a relation with it (or her!) and he is not prepared to come to the UK for the birth, then she could offer to bring the baby to visit its US family AFTER the birth. On a British passport.
She could still dream the rosy happy-ever-after...

lottieandmia · 23/10/2013 11:26

God what on earth is she thinking? I really hope she comes to her senses and does not fly over there. I agree with all of those who said it's one of the scariest things ever on MN.

Is it possible she still loves this man and thinks it might all have a fairy tale ending? If not I cannot see why she would want to leave the safety she has here in the UK. I'm guessing she's never had a baby before?

Talkinpeace · 23/10/2013 11:31

OP has vanished.

Original poster
YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 23/10/2013 12:47

Sofia, no offence but there's a difference between being 'positive' and 'living in a dream world'. Yes I could support her in her 'exciting and romantic US adventure' except that isn't what this is. A few facts:

  1. He has said the words 'i'm not interested in you, only the baby'. Do you really think this is the basis for a marriage made in heaven and justification for her flying halfway round the world because it's more convenient for him?
  2. During the pregnancy she has repeatedly called him an asshole and even stopped speaking to him over anger over all this. Not exactly a fairytale is it.
  3. 'Hoping things work out for the best' isn't a good strategy, either this baby comes back to the UK or it doesn't. It's not like it can go to the USA at weekends. She needs to be prepared for a potentially very messy outcome.

Now i'm not stupid. I know I can't imprison her here and I know it's ultimately her choice. But I also couldn't sit by and watch the worst unfold and then say afterwards 'oh yah i thought you might lose the baby but i didn't say anything because I didn't want to spoil your dream'. Can't you see that?

OP posts:
Original poster
YoniGetAnOohWithTyphoo · 23/10/2013 12:57

And also as far as being 'all about the drama' BirdyBear I think that's very unfair. If you had read my responses properly you would realise I said I wasn't planning on stealing her passport or anything like that. 'Getting the family involved' = we sent a message to her sisters asking what they thought about the situation. 'staging an intervention'= getting everyone into a living room and airing our concerns because it's more than just me who is worried. So it seems it is in fact more dramatic in your head than mine.

And in any case, potentially having a baby taken away from it's mother IS a pretty 'dramatic' situation don't you think? Do you really think I want that for my friend? That I would enjoy it?

Anyway, as it happens we have sent her a message instead since we can't seem to manage to get us altogether in one place. It is basically recapitulating all the concerns raised here and telling her we are only raising them out of concern, not to be 'mean'. I will update you if she replies.

OP posts:
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