To expect when my dh has said he has been doing housework all that day that includes, making beds, hovering, polishing, fuming!!!

[Allthreerolledintoone]

I now work full-time and I am really struggling with work and running a home I feel like I do everything. Dh does most of the ironing, DIY occasionally tea and dishes sometimes pack lunches I do every thing else plus the above maybe not so much ironing but I will if needed.
Anyway kids have been home with dh today because of the strike. I come home from work and ask what they have been doing thinking dh may have taken them out and he said he bathed the kids, did all the housework and baking and washing three loads apparently( the basket was half empty yesterday so I doubt it unless he's emptied his work bag today instead of 2moro. Baking was 8 plain buns :-/ so hardly an afternoon.
Oh and he went to the shop I wrote a list of 8 items. I've come home and the house hasn't been polished or hoovered the beds haven't even been made, the bathroom is a mess and I am failing to see what house work he has actually done. I am livid because he could of made the beds at least and took the children out but no the kids look bored, my house looks exactly the same as I left it. Tbh it's tipped me over the edge I've had enough.
Yesterday he had an orange, peeled it and left the peel on the table. I left if for 2 days and no one put it in the bin only my mum did when she came around. I am sick to death of picking up after him to the point even these tiny tedious things irritate me. But apparently I am nagging, I am stressed and tired and irritated by his thoughtlessness. His excuses are I forgot, i I was going to do it, I didn't see it or il do it later but never actually does. Honestly I've been sat for the last hour in tears thinking I want him to leave. I cannot bear to be in the same room any more I do admit it's my time of the month if I seem extreme but it's all building up.

Walter-you should tell tesco.

So you have been up all nights too?

Does he do his fair share of wakings? Did he do the wakings last night knowing that he would be at home and you would be working?

No ds is 5 has been poorly he woke up crying last night and night before so I went to comfort him I am guessing he had a nose bleed then but it was dark so I didn't see and he was crying in his sleep on and off. The night before I went in and slept in his bed to get him to sleep. Dh wouldn't have done that it's just motherly instinct but he knew that I was up with him and that I was a stressing yesterday as had to get childcare short notice so I could go to work. He knows I've been stressed about housework and keeping on top of it because I need to spend time doing my course work and I would like to SPEND time with my children :-( that's another issue.
The thing is I wake up sort the kids sought out myself, take them to school go to work then pick them up, maybe play in park at school then sometimes I go to the shop, come home tidy then cook tea. Sort out things for next day. He gets up goes to work and comes home. His day is longer then mine though in work sense.
I think I was angry because he said 'I've been doing all the housework' and because I've been stressed about it recently and that I felt relieved and thankful. I even thought maybe he's cooked me a nice tea hopeful thinking hey .

"His day is longer then mine though in work sense." Depends what you mean by work, yours sounds twice as long. I feel for you OP, hope your boy sleeps through tonight.

He sounds like he had a go, at least. if he's not used to being the one to do it, you could probably be more specific if you give him a lit, but also prioritise it and don't expect him to do things as well/quickly as you, at least at first.

FWIW, DH is much more particular about cleaning than me and just gets on with it - although we do divide up jobs between us. He automatically washes up after a meal when we have visitors over, and it tickles me that people are very impressed by this and make comments about how well trained he is.

But he fibbed didn't he. Saying he'd been doing housework and playing with the kids. He was just bullshitting. That would be annoying.
Long term, I think you might want to consider imagining that it's not your responsibility to sort everything out. Like someone else said up thread, divvy up the chores and have consequences for when things are not done. You can't do it all and you shouldn't have to.
And I agree with bogeyface about the fuckwittery of baking when the house is a tip

Seriously, his behaviour in general is completely out of order! Completely!

valium why?!

All rest assured that your standards aren't too high and you can indeed ask your DH to pull his weight.
There seem to be two standards for men and women. SAHM are supposed to entertain the dcs, with educative things, have a spotless house, do all the housework so that their DH has nothing to do as he is so tired from work. Also have a meal ready for when he comes back home.
Men at home with the dcs and you should praise them because they have being fed and haven't destroyed the place

Yes indeed.

Your standards don't seem overly high tbh. You've stayed at home and know yourself what it is possible to get done.

I work in evenings and stay at home with DD during the day. I do keep the house to a good standard without the need to do housework "all day"

If he says he has been doing housework "all day" that is bollocks. You know it's bollocks and that's why it's annoying!

I gave a list for the shopping just basic not a full shop bread, milk etc. I make beds and do dishes every day he knows that so it shouldn't be rocket science. I'd be shocked if he used the hover and polished to be honest but it would have been nice . Three loads of washing yes his bloody work gear he's probably saved in his bag all week or he has put 5 items in each load .

I totally get where you are coming from. I have a DH who looked after the DC during the holidays when they were small. He was going swimming and asked what he should do with the kit when he got home. I told him to put it in the washing machine. It wasn't on the line when I got back, so asked why. He said "you didn't say to turn the washing machine on!" I kid you not!

I too have two boys. They are 16&18 now. I decided they would never be like DH was (he is much, much better). Start a chore chart for your boys now. Your eldest can Hoover, the youngest can dust low down surfaces, thy can both dry up, they can both help with lunches and both be responsible for making their own beds. Even when you change them they can do pillowcases and help put the sheet on.

You shouldn't be picking up after anyone. I would get a basket or something and put it in the hall. Everything they leave lying around (not foodstuff) goes in there, they want it they find it.

You sound knackered, tbh. I think you are a bit like me. I have cried before because the ironing has built up, or the house has got away from me. I've just ordered that book, there's room for improvement here!

I would n't have minded if he took the kids out for the day and had fun in a way because I've done that and thought fuck it let's go out sod the housework . But I will ensure the house is relatively tidy as soon as I get in before dh is back from work so I've done something or I would say yeah sorry we went out but I'd still do it if he has caught me out.

Even the children's homework is a chore they receive a crazy amount and ds1 is possibly dyslexic so it takes three times as long which is why I want to do it but at the same time I am adding to my workload iykwim.

Sounds like much more to this op.

How do you mean come wine??

He's looking after the children. That's his job.

Housework should then be split evenly between you.

yes but it isn't.

I got the impression that the DH was just looking after the children for the strike day not as a sahp.

Well yes but he still can help out he is not a guest in his own house. My mum helps out more around the house when she babysits in fact maybe I should move her in :-/

I'm agreeing with you OP, neither of you is a sahp so you should share the housework and childcare.

The night before I went in and slept in his bed to get him to sleep. Dh wouldn't have done that it's just motherly instinct but he knew that I was up with him and that I was a stressing yesterday as had to get childcare short notice so I could go to work. He knows I've been stressed about housework and keeping on top of it because I need to spend time doing my course work and I would like to SPEND time with my children :-( that's another issue.
The thing is I wake up sort the kids sought out myself, take them to school go to work then pick them up, maybe play in park at school then sometimes I go to the shop, come home tidy then cook tea. Sort out things for next day. He gets up goes to work and comes home. His day is longer then mine though in work sense.
I think I was angry because he said 'I've been doing all the housework' and because I've been stressed about it recently and that I felt relieved and thankful. I even thought maybe he's cooked me a nice tea hopeful thinking hey

Sooooo.... lets recap.

He didnt help out at all when you had a sick child. That is not "motherly instinct" that is parenting instinct. A good parent would wake up and deal with a sick child, I know because I have been married to both types. He is abdicating his parenting responsibilities because he knows you will pick up the slack.

He knew you were stressing about childcare so YOU could go to work. Why wasnt he stressing? Why is childcare your issue? Why is there the assumption that a sick child means that you stay home? Again, abdication of responsibilities.

Why are you the only one stressing about your course, the house, the children when keeping on top of your studies (to better your earning power?), your shared home and your shared children will benefit you all?

You do the whole job. You drop off, work a full day, pick up, interact, play, shop cook, tidy and clean. He works a full day. Who has more on their mind day in day out. Who remembers the dentist appointments, nativity plays and harvest festivals? Who doesnt bother remembering because someone else will?

And then he made out like he had given you the moon on a stick by doing "your" jobs for you. Which, even if he had, would have been a slap in the face. But given that he didnt but still wanted praise for it is an insult at best and taking the piss at worst.

For what its worth, I don't think there are ever any winners in the 'who works hardest' argument. Talk to each other, it doesn't sound like anyone's having any fun and maybe that's whats needed?

If housework issues are causing fights - they certainly do in our house - I think getting specific about what is and, and importantly is not, the responsibility of whoever is doing the SAH shift would be sensible.
And lets face it, we have all had days when the housework has not been done, the kids (singular in my case) have not been taken out and nothing seems to have been done yet somehow the whole day has disappeared. I know I have, I have then got very defensive when pressured for detail of what I actually did all day.
Chill out, talk it over, if it is still a major issue think about a bit of counselling.

Those that say they never polish.....how do your houses not get crazy dusty?!

I'm not judging btw, just seriously wondering if I'm missing a trick!!

Sorry to derail the thread ever so slightly!

Why do you care about what your MiL thinks? If her standards were that high, she'd have trained her son to maintain them, too.

Speak to him, about specifics, as Cityofgold says - don't assume he knows what you expect if you've never actually spelled it out. Work out what to prioritise - bloodied sheets should be changed, but otherwise, unmade beds won't kill anyone (and the children can learn to do their own.) Washing up should be done, but the hoovering needn't be daily, and the polishing doesn't have to be so often either.

He can clearly use a washing machine, so tell him he can wash his own work stuff, and if he doesn't, he'll probably learn quickly enough.

I was talking to a friend the other day about whether writing procedures for the house is taking things a bit too far - but I would probably be tempted in this case, until they've all learnt how to think for themselves. Mind you, I'd rather be writing a good procedure than actually doing the work, so it might be better to ignore this idea.

Those that say they never polish.....how do your houses not get crazy dusty?!

If you don't move things about, the dust doesn't show so much... Anyway, cleaning is more satisfying when you actually see the results.