To expect when my dh has said he has been doing housework all that day that includes, making beds, hovering, polishing, fuming!!!

[Allthreerolledintoone]

I now work full-time and I am really struggling with work and running a home I feel like I do everything. Dh does most of the ironing, DIY occasionally tea and dishes sometimes pack lunches I do every thing else plus the above maybe not so much ironing but I will if needed.
Anyway kids have been home with dh today because of the strike. I come home from work and ask what they have been doing thinking dh may have taken them out and he said he bathed the kids, did all the housework and baking and washing three loads apparently( the basket was half empty yesterday so I doubt it unless he's emptied his work bag today instead of 2moro. Baking was 8 plain buns :-/ so hardly an afternoon.
Oh and he went to the shop I wrote a list of 8 items. I've come home and the house hasn't been polished or hoovered the beds haven't even been made, the bathroom is a mess and I am failing to see what house work he has actually done. I am livid because he could of made the beds at least and took the children out but no the kids look bored, my house looks exactly the same as I left it. Tbh it's tipped me over the edge I've had enough.
Yesterday he had an orange, peeled it and left the peel on the table. I left if for 2 days and no one put it in the bin only my mum did when she came around. I am sick to death of picking up after him to the point even these tiny tedious things irritate me. But apparently I am nagging, I am stressed and tired and irritated by his thoughtlessness. His excuses are I forgot, i I was going to do it, I didn't see it or il do it later but never actually does. Honestly I've been sat for the last hour in tears thinking I want him to leave. I cannot bear to be in the same room any more I do admit it's my time of the month if I seem extreme but it's all building up.

Waltermitty. He might not have known the blood was there. That's happened to me before. If the duvet is pulled up you can't necessarily see it.

I'm wondering if the op is a time traveller what with yesterday being one day ago and all.

I have days where it feels like I am really busy and yet nothing looks done and other days where I feel like I have slacked slightly yet it looks like I've done more. Perhaps it was a former day

I think focusing on individual jobs - whether it's polishing, vacuuming or changing the bloody bed sheets - is kind of missing the point. Each isolated incident is too easy to rationalise. It's the overall pattern of behaviour that counts.

Based on the OP's account of today, I don't really see that the OP's DH has done much wrong, for example. However, 'orangegate', the OP's other examples and the fact that she's clearly just had enough, suggest a very different picture overall.

I'm at home with my DD on my own 4 out of 5 weekdays. I then work one day and one night a week.

I actually don't think it's unreasonable to expect beds to be made, bathroom at least tidy, kitchen tidy and hoovered and meals made from scratch (95% of the time from scratch anyway!) and we go out everyday. Ok, she's only a toddler but its still the bare minimum I would do everyday. Just like my DH wouldn't expect me to come home to dishes etc when I've worked a night shift.

Your OP suggests kids are school age so why couldn't he have done these things while they played?

Maybe I'm a bit of a traditionalist so see these things as the sahp/pt working role so prepared to be flamed a bit!

OP, I think the three things you've identified are the reason you've lost a lot of people here - polishing, hoovering and bed making are just not necessary in order for a house to be reasonably tidy and together.

My kids never make their beds or tidy rooms during the week - so we shut their doors! They tidy them on weekends.

Polishing? Once a month. Who sees dust?

Hoovering maybe once a week or if carpets look particularly hairy.

I agree he should have made an effort to have a tidy-ish house, have done one activity with the kids and got the wash on as that always needs doing - sounds like he pretty much did?

(though not taking bloodied sheets off is a whole different matter)

Maybe my expectations were high because when I asked what have you and the kids been doing today he said ' all of the house work'.

The reason I am so anal is because now I work full time certain things have to be done iywim or else it builds up. I've only been working full time for the last 8 myths and I am doing a course on top I am knackered. I have to be organised and keep on top of things to the point of being obsessive with certain things like beds, dishes and just a tidy living room so I can relax iywim.

When I was a sahm I could chill about the house because I knew I could do it any time and mostly I spent time with the kids etc. I have been so stressed with working full time, doing a course, being a mum and running a house I just expected dh to help out and maybe make an effort.

I try and Hoover and Polish on a Sunday am and just general tidy up in the week so it doesn't get too much. My mil comes around then too and she he house proud so that's pressure on me :-/ as she has always been a sahm so wouldn't understand and would expect me to do it all not dh.

I do washing every day after work because dh's work clothes and he moans if he hasn't got any. I make the pack lunches most evenings, cook tea and do a monthly shop in the evening. I also end up doing the children's home work because dh shouts at my eldest because he doesn't understand things. Coming home Tuesday from a meeting in the evening to find dh shouting at ds because he doesn't understand doesn't make me feel good as if makes me feel like I should be doing as I have more patience.

It's just all too much for me and all I want is a bit of help.

Its sounds to me like he did a normal amount of stuff. He took the kids out to the shop, baked with them, gave them a bath, did washing and did some housework. It probably looks like he didn't do much housework because the kids have been home and making mess as he's tidying up. Been there, done that! At the end of the day it looks like you've done nothing.

You say you think he's lying about the washing, but isn't it hanging up?

How long was the orange there for because what you've said doesn't make sense. Two days since yesterday?

No one is perfect. My dh leaves his washing on the floor instead of putting it in the basket. I am rubbish at tidying, or rather i hate it so avoid it. I clean more but dh declutters more. He walks past things that need taking to another room like he doesn't see them, i took forever after we moved in together to actually start cleaning to toilet after i had been It occurred to me eventually. My dh doesn't make the beds and it never occurs to him to check the childrens book bags or wash the pet bowls.

What is priority for one of us isn't the other. Some of the stuff i do is because i am in the routine of doing those things.

He isn't you. He doesn't think like you and he clearly has lower standards.

Honestly, read the book. The problem here is not your expectations but the fact that you are doing more than your fair share. A DH who moans at you if you haven't got his work clothes ready? Not on. He's a grown man who should be capable of doing his own, especially now you are working full time and studying on top.

Every other day just tell him to do the packed lunches/do the shop/the washing. You don't have to do those things. Now that you are back at work you should equal amount of jobs to do it the evenings.

The years when you are bringing up young children can be very stressful - add two full-time jobs to the mix and there is very little time left to relax/pursue individual hobbies and interests etc. If a completely clean and tidy home is also considered essential, that can just be a burden too far for all of you.

It is only after you''ve left these years behind that you know how difficult they were from the contrast! You are In the most demanding stage of your life at the moment. Think about your real priorities - how do you want to remember these years and what is the most important thing for you and your children? Better a more relaxed household - albeit with more mess - with time to talk to each other and positive time spent with your children than a tidy environment with unhappy occupants.

Justthisonce
Thank you for noticing the timing on the orange peel
It was bugging me.

A bit of nose bleed on bedding isn't 'disgusting' and a bit of peel won't attract flies. Honestly the histrionics on here sometimes is hilarious

OP I'm Sahm and Dh always said if he came home and neither ds or I were in tears then it was a good day in Valium Towers. He says the same now ds is nearly a teen tbh

Dh never makes the bed either he sees it as a waste of time and when he does do it he does it wrong so I've given up asking him now, it really isn't a big deal imo in the brand scheme of things.

I think YANBU.

I am a SAHM and wouldn't be at all pleased to have DH question why I was unable to dust today.

However I would also feel really guilty if DH came home from work, had to clean, sort out supper and was so disgusted by the house that he hoovered when I had been at home all day unless it was a rare day off, pre-arranged or I was ill. I would also probably keel over in shock

I'm not good at keeping house but it's the leisure time thing. And ensuring that you work as a team to both get as equal amount of time of it as possible. I think you probably need to sort out some sort of time-table or something that you are both happy with.

With regard to the orange - of course it's not great to test your partner but when you are constantly clearing up after someone else it is tempting to think fuck this and then be astonished as they just don't do it themselves. Of course it's not personal but it can feel it, it can feel like only you are the person in the household who is considered lowly enough to perform such basic tasks. And that stings.

I second Dahlen. The issue is not what your DH did or didn't do, the issue is that he expects you to do things that he doesn't expect from himself. So, he can leave orange peel lying around but you have to get his work clothes ready. Not OK.

Have you read the OP's Thu 17-Oct-13 18:17:58 post?

X post - that wasn't to MrsTP.

Oh its one of those tedious drip feeding threads again.

I am just sat here in tears because it's all getting on top of me it's ok saying relax but with two boys the house easily gets in a mess I don't want to live like a slob I just want it to be ok.
I've learnt to deal with some mess but I guess the beds, dishes and tidy living room are my main things especially of an evening when I want to relax so I need one tidy room and a nice bed for me to fall into. I want dh to be patient with the children and not shout constantly and to take help out a bit more. I really wanted to come home today and just relax and not have to do the dishes, change bedding and cook tea.

I can see why you are annoyed. You thought he'd make the most of the day off with the kids and do domething nice with them. When you got home he said he hasn't taken them anywhere all day as he's been too busy 'doing housework all day' setting up the expectation that you'd not have to do it yourself tonight. Lovely.
Only you then realise he's done nothing except a load of washing and then sat on his bum the rest of the day leaving you to clean up the mess he and the kids have made and make them all dinner as he hasbt even done that.

Oh I wa slow typing and missed your most recent post. I bet you also feel under a lot of pressure to juggle all these things and not let anything drop. It can feel so much. I think you need to delegate on things that maybe have less issues on standards.

I think Just had a good idea about letting him do packed lunches. One of you responsible for laundry, the other the washing up or something. Delegate then let it go, if he forgets or it goes wrong in some way then let him sort it out. It is eroding for the other person to be managed and deeply unsexy for the manager to feel that they are the parent of someone as opposed to the partner. It muat be an unbelievable pressure for you at the moment and you must let him take some of the pressure for both your sakes.

A bit of nose bleed on bedding isn't 'disgusting' and a bit of peel won't attract flies

Yes it is, if you've been there all day and had ample opportunity to just fucking wash them!

Yes it will, if left two days.

Could he manage the school communications? Somehow remembering all that stuff can feel a load.

Oh please I've been a sahm and now a working mother neither is a rosy life. I've also been the weekend sahm/wife for years which surprisingly was easier as it was one less adult to cook, clean and look after. Obviously I shall work and do all household chores but of course dh had to spend a day at home with his kids so bravo a man doing house work too. As for the orange it's behaviour repeated he constantly leaves his crap lying around and I have to pick it up, bin it or what ever. Yet if the children did the same he would be the first to shout and scream. Funny that :-/ . He has high expectations himself when it's comes to his children and fails to apply himself.

Well his standards are not the same as yours. I rarely make beds...I do it while the kids are in the bath! Polishing? Nah....once a month.