To expect when my dh has said he has been doing housework all that day that includes, making beds, hovering, polishing, fuming!!!

[Allthreerolledintoone]

I now work full-time and I am really struggling with work and running a home I feel like I do everything. Dh does most of the ironing, DIY occasionally tea and dishes sometimes pack lunches I do every thing else plus the above maybe not so much ironing but I will if needed.
Anyway kids have been home with dh today because of the strike. I come home from work and ask what they have been doing thinking dh may have taken them out and he said he bathed the kids, did all the housework and baking and washing three loads apparently( the basket was half empty yesterday so I doubt it unless he's emptied his work bag today instead of 2moro. Baking was 8 plain buns :-/ so hardly an afternoon.
Oh and he went to the shop I wrote a list of 8 items. I've come home and the house hasn't been polished or hoovered the beds haven't even been made, the bathroom is a mess and I am failing to see what house work he has actually done. I am livid because he could of made the beds at least and took the children out but no the kids look bored, my house looks exactly the same as I left it. Tbh it's tipped me over the edge I've had enough.
Yesterday he had an orange, peeled it and left the peel on the table. I left if for 2 days and no one put it in the bin only my mum did when she came around. I am sick to death of picking up after him to the point even these tiny tedious things irritate me. But apparently I am nagging, I am stressed and tired and irritated by his thoughtlessness. His excuses are I forgot, i I was going to do it, I didn't see it or il do it later but never actually does. Honestly I've been sat for the last hour in tears thinking I want him to leave. I cannot bear to be in the same room any more I do admit it's my time of the month if I seem extreme but it's all building up.

Does he expect you to do it op? Really?

I would put money on the OP being less than happy with her sex life too...

I don't think you're going to find the support you need on this thread Allthree. I take your point that he hasn't actually done any cleaning type housework but it sounds as though he's actually done a fair bit today given that the DC are off school. I think that's why people are coming across as unsympathetic.

However, I don't think you are at all unreasonable to be pissed off it the usual pattern in your house is you picking up after him and you doing way more than 50% of the housework. If that's the case he's an arse. He shouldn't need lists or guidance. Possession of a vagina doesn't mean you come with an inbuilt knowledge of home management any more than the possession of a penis means you can never understand these wondrous mysteries.

Yes, why aren't the kids making their own beds? My two do occasionally - mind you, we never make ours, apparantly it's better for them to breathe to avoid too many dust mites.

Do NOT leave your husband with a list of things to do - I would be SO insulted if DH did this.

You sound like the house has to be run the way YOU like it.

Maybe a better plan would be just to mention how nice it is when the beds are made (if you are really that fussed about that?).

Often I have spent the whole day at home with the DS and done lots of "jobs", but by the time DH comes home the house looks the same, if not worse.

TBH it sounds like you have got yourselves into a bad place if you are thinking he is lying about the loads of washing he has done/if he thinks he has to lie about washing.

I get where you are coming from with the orange peel, but honestly, he didn't leave it there to ANNOY you (I am pretty messy and have been accused of this).

You say the house was tidy yesterday and now it's a it messier. The boys have been at home all day, not at school, so of course it isn't going to look as it did!

I suspect there is mo to this, but based on one day YABU. Everyone's alive and fed at the end of the day, it's a success.

I say this as a SAHM whose DH does sod all housework

Did he take a days annual leave to look after the children? Or just day he doesn't normally work. If I had to take a days leave I am not sure I would have spent the day doing chores when I had the opportunity to spend time with my DCs.

So I am not sure you have full grounds for being peeved for today.

However I do feel you need to talk with him about things on a general basis - it is clearly making you unhappy and that needs to be addressed. As others have said - could you afford a cleaner? You could get one fortnightly to dust/hover and change beds and you/DH could take the bathroom/kitchen cleaning (needs doing properly more than fortnightly so why pay) on between you (and top up hoovers). That way is not as £££ and it gets done properly every other week. Less resentment. Everyone happier

I have had this battle.. We both work(dh is home at weekends and I work).. Not everyone has the same standards. I too have come home and felt like going batshit crazy (dh will say that I do every weekend) but I think I hold it together! He gets up in the morning and sees to no1 and comes home to a clean house, clean clothes, tea ready, dd bathed and looking angelic. I come home(sometimes) to a shit tip, no made beds, washing still in the machine etc....however, as I age, I feel that being remembered when I'm dead and buried as a cleaning freak and stresshead would be sad. Yes its bloody annoying and makes you want to scream but its not the end of the world. Do what I do. Walk thru the chaos, to the fridge,open wine and pour.. Its amazing how the cobwebs fade away when your vision is blurry xx

Should have, should have.

Quietly going crazy inside my head

Today I have, supervised/help dd2/3 get ready for school

Dropped said dds at bus

Fed ds

Took ds to toddler group

Went out for lunch with pals, with baby ds in tow

Came home, sat on my bum while baby slept

Picked dds up from school

Made dinner

Fed ds

Took washing of dryer/hung washing

Put washing in

Tried dds new clothes on her

Sat on my bum again, yawn

Will do bits and pieces before I settle down with a bottle glass of wine

I'm knackered and no polishing or hoovering in sight

lentil you might want to try reading the book I recommended earlier as well. It's really good at helping you explain yourself in a way that can't be dismissed as nagging and makes the other person sound unreasonable if they don't accept it's not fair of them to make you do more of it.

The trouble with the "you have higher standards than me" argument is that it is nearly always made by people who are getting much more than they receive. I haven't met too many who say that who actually do all their own washing, ironing, cooking and washing up. They normally trot out the higher standards argument as a reason for why they don't have to do the washing/ironing/cooking/washing up this time meaning that they'll happily leave it until the next time when it will be done by someone else instead.

The orange is one tedious example, I just meant I normally always pick up after him and the children so I deliberately didn't to see if he would put it in the bin because he always says he was. He has done bugger all with kids they have been watching telly and they baked cakes from a packet he has more then likely been on the computer. He hasn't done any housework apart from washing. He's bathed the kids and gone to the shop to get a few things. I am not house proud fgs

Why does he have to do something with the kids?

They won't self combust if they have to amuse themselves or play together. Anyway, he did some baking with them.

When you were a SAH, did you feel the need to take them out/amuse them every single day OP?

If so, then you not only have higher standards (and yes Dahlen it's not always just a trotted out argument) but you also have some unrealistic ones too imo.

You just don't sound very compatible.

Thanks Dahlen, will do that, although I think it may be too late for us.

I hope it doesn't look like I'm trying to hijack, meant it more as a 'this is where you could end up if you don't nip it in the bud'. Which I realise now isn't very helpful when I have no advice to give!

Maybe he thinks splitting his time b/w the kids and housework is the best use of his time. I know I do.

I'm just going to wade in on the orange and say that is awful and I know exactly what it feels like (that stirring of ancient rage as hour after hour, day after day it sits there and no one seems to notice).

How old are your DCs? Can you use the argument that 1) He needs to set a good example by at least picking up his own rubbish and 2) if you expect the DCs to pick up after themselves he should too?

(I'm sticking purely to the orange peel here - the general housework debate is one of those things I'll sit on the sidelines with for the time being)

Sorry that was to worra - and not the case anyway judging by OP's last post.

I'm not saying it is Worra. We all know people who are jumping up to plump the cushions when you go for a wee, or snatching the coffee cup off you to rinse out before the cup's even gone cold. They're just as much a PITA as people who are happy to live in a pigsty and let others wait on them hand and foot.

But I think the number of households where one person is doing more than their fair share is far higher in number than the number of households where one person is an OCD type.

The orange peel thing is vile. My mum recounts how my dad once left a half drunk cup of tea to see how long it took her to notice and tidy up. I am not saying that justifies her affair and leaving him but, you know, fault on both sides.

If my DH left something for me as a test...well, he wouldn't, because we love each other. You don't even seem to like your husband.

Hang on.

He left blood covered sheets on the bed, even though he supposedly did three loads of washing, he's been home all day while you've been working and you've come in to make tea, he left an orange peel (attracting flies?) for two days?

That's disgusting!

Whatever about the hoovering and polishing, the above is not on!

I agree that the children can amuse themselves for a while at least. I also think the nine year old at the very least should be making the bed but seriously, what's with all the excuses for him?

If DH left blood covered sheets on the bed I'd be rightly pissed off too!

I second KringleCandle - this isn't going to be something you can change in your DH. So either try to lower your expectations or get a cleaner (and make him pay)

Seriously - yes it's expense you could do without - but will be so much better for your stress levels and alot cheaper than divorce

The orange peel thing is vile. My mum recounts how my dad once left a half drunk cup of tea to see how long it took her to notice and tidy up. I am not saying that justifies her affair and leaving him but, you know, fault on both sides.

Oh ok then

I work part time but I'm home today with DS. I've put three washes on, a load in the dishwasher, made cakes and face painted. I've sorted out the stuff on the dining room table and taken books/clothes upstairs. The house is still messy though and the beds aren't made. If DH came in and was annoyed that I hadn't polished or made the beds I would tell him to fuck off.

Hey OP, I'm with you. He should have done more. At least make the beds, tidy up and maybe run the Hoover over. I outsource dusting/polishing to the children. Drives me mad that my DH never notices what needs done.