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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have the rage with DH

115 replies

sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 17:52

I am so angry with him now I can't think properly. Please help me find some perspective.

We normally have fairly equal parenting duties (well in theory), taking it in turns to do childcare while we each have 2 nights/week for hobbies or activities, that sort of thing. We both work 4 days/wk. If one of us has a rare work trip we work around it. In general it all seems to work OK.

Last week DH told me he needed to go away with work Wed/Thurs this week, OK. It means I miss my regular activity but I can deal with it as a one off.

Today, he sent me an outlook meeting request just saying he was going away next week, sun night to Wed pm. Just like that, no discussion, nothing. I am incensed. I think these are the reasons why I'm angry
a) no discussion. I feel like it sends a message that he is more important and I have to just deal with it.
b) 2 weeks in a row I have to miss my activities with very little notice
c) when I phoned him and yelled at him I said well I should get Thurs & Fri night instead. He claims this is unfair and I am "taking this all the wrong way". WTAF??? I didn't even listen to his reasons.

TBH, if he had phoned me and had a sensible discussion with me that had started "is it ok if...." i probably would have been fine with it well maybe with some moaning

It's not like he has a mega important job or anything. He would quite like to go on these trips for technical reasons (I can understand that) but our jobs are very similar and I know that others could go instead of him if he refused.

Please help me calm down. I am 16wks pregnant and the rage is flowing through my veins.

OP posts:

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 18:46

There really is always someone who claims their life is more shit so you should suck it up when in reality they should be more annoyed about their situation.

The op is an adult who should be asked, if she did the same to her husband you wouldn't say she was bein a cow?

Original poster

sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 18:54

I sometimes wish I behaved in just the same entitled way as he does. It might get me my own way a lot more. But I don't even think of being so rude, it's not in my female programming.

ANyway, I am less ragey so thanks MN. I think it does boil down to the rude entitled attitude, not really the actual work trip. And of course I have to have all my activity days "paid back" as it were, that goes without saying.

I feel better prepared to "discuss" when we get the chance. Which is of course, not until after he gets home from his activity!

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfSpike · 15/10/2013 18:54

YANBU unless he intended to discuss it with you later.

DH and I have a fairly similar work set up and if I need to change a day, I usually send a tentative or a "to discuss" appointment if I need a change but sometimes I forget.

Kundry · 15/10/2013 19:01

I've had the total, sobbing, screaming shaking rage over something smaller than this and I'm not pregnant!

My DH has a tendency to announce his plans at very short notice. So I'm making dinner, thinking about what we are going to do in the evening and he says 'the football's on in 15 minutes'. He's known this all week but only chose to mention it 15 minutes before so ruining my evening and not allowing me to have made other plans. Next time he does this I shall be throwing plates at him .

Outlook request is rude, disrespectful of you and your marriage. It's totally fine to say that things which involve you cancelling your activities need a face to face discussion and the answer may be no.

bigkidsdidit · 15/10/2013 19:01

YANBU

It's the assumption you'll be there to cover him. I can't imagine swanning off for a few days but I guess I could in theory. I've internalised the 'default carer' idea too I think

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 19:08

OP, check out this thread is men pooing a feminist issue?

I think you will see some parallels. (ignore the title) it's about how men will just wander off to do something without alerting their partner because they know someone is in charge. Where as women will "sign off" before they wander off because the assumption is they are the default carer.

hettie · 15/10/2013 19:10

IT IS NOT AN AMAZING DEAL. sorry to shout but really... Its parenting.... Both parents, both equally responsible. Neither of you get to make unilateral decisions and I pity the rest off you that think that you male parents take precedent

bigkidsdidit · 15/10/2013 19:11

What is interesting is I know DH would be FINE and wouldn't mind at all if I wandered off or went away for a bit. But I won't. I'm restricting myself

Boosterseattheballcleaner · 15/10/2013 19:16

I really don't think YABU at all, if he has made choice to attend the work commitment which is not compulsory then he should forgo his evenings off, simple as.

Someone really needs to tell him he can't bend the rules to suit himself and get pet lip on when you make a reasonable request which allows you to have your needs met.

congratulations on your pregnancy.

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 19:23

bigkids I really think dh would wander off with out realising I was gone.. so we both "sign off" now. At least it's fair I guess.

Peachypossum · 15/10/2013 19:31

Pumpkinguts, that's interesting (your post, too busy doing the company paperwork now I'm home from work to have read a whole thread!)

If I cannot collect the youngest from afterschool club I warn DH in advance (days not hours 99% of the time). By default (not discussed) I collect her and have gotten home on occasion to find he beat me home and could have collected her on his way past. If he is going to be late he just shows up whenever knowing full well I will have collected her..

Rage.

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 19:35

discussed) I collect her and have gotten home on occasion to find he beat me home and could have collected her on his way past. If he is going to be late he just shows up whenever knowing full well I will have collected her..

It's annoying how often it happens and often we allow it to happen with out even seeing the problem!

RandomMess · 15/10/2013 19:36

Sounds like you need to set the boundaries ready for you ML down now as well as that is clearly niggling at you already?

Original poster

sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 20:01

It's definitely a feminist issue! In theory we have this 50/50 arrangement and on paper (and in his head) DH looks like some model parent But the reality is still that I read the nursery newsletter and make a note of trips/activities/early finishes, and put them in the diary. I make doctors appointments. I buy DD new clothes, shoes etc. I notice when we're running out of milk/loo roll/ whatever and get some on the way home. You know the sort of thing. I am always there as the back-stop for pretty much everything, as are most women I guess, and he just ends up taking the piss.

And my mum doesn't help. She thinks the sun shines out of his arse because he cooks tea/ does bathtime etc "ooh, he's sooo good you know, your father never did any of that" yes mum, I know, and you had a miserable 30 year marriage that ended in divorce, it is NOT my benchmark. Why can't she (and others) judge him by their expectations of me as a mother rather than as "a man"?

oh I'm getting all angsty again.

How do I change it???????????? When it's just the 2 of you it's not so bad, you can let things drop, but when its your kid who will be disappointed or with no milk at bed time it's much harder.

OP posts:

BerstieSpotts · 15/10/2013 20:19

Tell him! I share your rage - but he didn't get entitled because he's a dick (unless he is a dick in general) - he probably just waltzed into it without ever noticing or realising. I hate to sound like a feminist cliche, but our society enables this and encourages that way of thinking and he probably literally has no idea.

I think you need to be careful how you put it across though - there is a danger as someone said above that he will see/hear "hormonal shouty pregnant woman" and not see it for the actual serious issue that it is. It might sound petty to argue about who last bought the toilet roll, but it's not about that - it's about who buys the toilet roll, and the dinner, and everything else, all the time.

Maybe if you just point out to him all of the stuff in a way that makes him notice. So in the diary, who put this in, this in, this in, who bought X, Y, Z last time we needed them. When did DD last have new shoes, etc. Do it calmly and make him be the one to realise that the same answer is that it's always you and he possibly isn't even aware of when these things were last done.

You'll soon have two DC and the practical/admin side will increase with two, so maybe frame it a bit like this so it's not "Look at everything you've done wrong! Raaaaagh!" but "Look, I'm shouldering quite a lot of this work with DD but it's going to increase quite a bit when we have two, do you think we could share it out a bit more fairly?"

TheDoctrineOfSpike · 15/10/2013 20:30

I think a good start is always a slightly puzzled "why do you think your arrangements are more important than mine? Do you think you are more important than me?

misspontypine · 15/10/2013 20:34

YANBU but I think that it is sad that you seem more worried about your time with your hobby than your time with your dp.

If he is away for half the week with work (I assume he will work the other week daytimes) don't you to spend the other evenings together?

I think 2 evenings each is alot of time out of the house, do you socialise with friends/family once or twice a week? When do you spend time together?

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/10/2013 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VoiceofRaisin · 15/10/2013 20:50

YANBU it is the classic assumption of a lot of men that their DW's will fill in for them when they are late/away but that the woman needs to plan ahead and arrange childcare if she needs to be late/ away. It is very very very unfair. And as for letting you know my email as a fait accompli. Well, that's rude.

Why are posters questioning the OP and her DH's mutual arrangement to have 2 days a week each on their hobbies if they are both happy with that?

Original poster

sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 21:02

TheDoctrineofSpike

I must remember that one.

I struggle to come out with good phrases at times like these because I get consumed with anger.

OP posts:

BerstieSpotts · 15/10/2013 21:06

The issue with the weekend away is SO the attitude. If he'd been "Hey, I know I went to this other thing recently but X has come up and I really want to go to this one. Is it ok with you?" and maybe being apologetic about it and/or offering her an extra day some time if it's been heavy lately.

That would be fine. As would just booking it if it was a one off/rare thing and that was the accepted arrangement, but since they both go out regularly the situation is a little different and I think extras should be negotiated, not assumed.

DebrisSlide · 15/10/2013 21:06

sleeplessbunny, you could just ask him what has he decided to do about the DC on the evening(s) he's not going to be there. In an only-slightly-interested-and-making-conversation kind of way.

Act as if you are both on the same page, instead of assuming he's not.

Original poster

sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 21:17

debris, that would have been a good option. I did write something like that in my original (email) response. But 5 seconds after sending it my anger got the better of me, I phoned him and yelled at him like a madwoman for a good 10 mins. I know it's not helpful but I do struggle to keep the rage from pouring out.

OP posts:

Original poster

sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 21:20

I also feel compelled to compromise simply because I am likely to need him to reciprocate at some point in the future and I don't want it all thrown back in my face. But of course I will ask nicely, which makes all the difference.

OP posts:

travailtotravel · 15/10/2013 21:27

I think the outlook calendar thing is actually quite sensible. OP, would it help if you block booked your activities in to make it more obvious when there are clashes? Not to forgive this ...

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