I have the rage with DH

[sleeplessbunny]

I am so angry with him now I can't think properly. Please help me find some perspective.

We normally have fairly equal parenting duties (well in theory), taking it in turns to do childcare while we each have 2 nights/week for hobbies or activities, that sort of thing. We both work 4 days/wk. If one of us has a rare work trip we work around it. In general it all seems to work OK.

Last week DH told me he needed to go away with work Wed/Thurs this week, OK. It means I miss my regular activity but I can deal with it as a one off.

Today, he sent me an outlook meeting request just saying he was going away next week, sun night to Wed pm. Just like that, no discussion, nothing. I am incensed. I think these are the reasons why I'm angry
a) no discussion. I feel like it sends a message that he is more important and I have to just deal with it.
b) 2 weeks in a row I have to miss my activities with very little notice
c) when I phoned him and yelled at him I said well I should get Thurs & Fri night instead. He claims this is unfair and I am "taking this all the wrong way". WTAF??? I didn't even listen to his reasons.

TBH, if he had phoned me and had a sensible discussion with me that had started "is it ok if...." i probably would have been fine with it well maybe with some moaning

It's not like he has a mega important job or anything. He would quite like to go on these trips for technical reasons (I can understand that) but our jobs are very similar and I know that others could go instead of him if he refused.

Please help me calm down. I am 16wks pregnant and the rage is flowing through my veins.

Garcia the OP works too, and she and her DH both earn about the same money AND this trip for her DH is kind of optional....furthermore, instead of arranging it on a night that would disrupt HIS night out, he arranged it for a night that disrupted HER night out. And the OP might not even have been cross about that had he had the courtesy to run it past her first.

Out of interest, speaking as a sometime SAHM, does it not occur to you that actually it might be kind and thoughtful to give as much notice as you have when you will be away? You are quite possibly preventing your DH from making arrangements for himself eg he might decide to book a babysitter and see an old friend if he knows in advance you will be away. Or whatever. It is inconsiderate not to let him know until the day before. I would be surprised if this is not building resentment, fine as you seem to find it. If I were him, I would be planning on leaving you some time in the future if those were the signals about my importance that you were giving me (ie a total disregard). Sorry, not meaning to be harsh but perhaps you should ask him whether it would be better for him if you gave more notice.

YANBU at all. I have the rage myself from some of the commments on this thread: "grow up", "hormones", "head shaking smiley".... the idea that the OP has some sort of "amazing deal" and that two nights free out of seven is some sort of impossible utopia. What decade are we in again???

I also work in a job where there are lots of (more-or-less) optional travel opportunities. I turn nearly all of them down. Some male colleagues - most of whom have SAH wives - do a lot more travel than me. It is absolutely fine, and there is no need for me to do lots of travel to hang onto my job.

My sense is:

in a busy life, we all use and forward emails/outlook to send each other information. If I get a similar email forwarded from DH, as a long-married man he has the common sense to add a little message- this has come up, could you take a look at your diary and we can discuss tonight? If he forgot, I would assume he had forgotten to write that, not that he had assumed he could go. But that is because its in the context of knowing he doesnt take the attitude that his stuff trumps mine.

As the OP gave her DH the rage, we will never know what he would have said when they spoke about it. Perhaps he hadnt assumed he could go- perhaps he meant to discuss it. I think she has a point when she says that she is seeing things in their worst light because of the context- being PG, not looking forward to losing her work status, feeling a bit threatened.

I have sympathy with this, so while I think she may have jumped to conclusions, I do see why she did.

Life will change with more kids I suspect. The couple will move away from this arrangement that only leaves them three nights a week together, because their DC will want their parents around together a bit more than that. Also, this focus on exact fairness in the very short term is something that goes with a less busy life and a younger life stage. It is still a little bit of a flat-mate arrangement rather than a parenting arrangement, if I can put it like that. Later on, you have to take the long view and fairness gets measured over a month rather than over a week- at least, that's my experience.

PP are right that the issue of principle matters- partners ought to be clear on how the fairness operates and one shouldn't assume that they win. It's just I'm not sure this particualr AIBU was a good example of the problem.

Agree that more kids changes things and the fairness will pan out over a month rather than a week. Dh goes on a night out once every 2 weeks and I do about once a week (to gym or whatever).

I was very careful to put ds1 to bed most nights (and dh some nights) and to spend a lot of time with him at bedtime after his twin siblings were born. This was to minimise the massive impact on him that siblings would have, having had me to himself for so long. That meant virtually no nights 'off' for me - not that I wanted them anyway, I wanted to fall asleep with ds1! Now one of us puts twins to bed, other puts the other to bed. It is a strain to do them all, so there's no way we'd be doing it too often!

I am chucking at the vision of MerryMarigold putting her DH to bed some nights....

Further along, with three teens, its not putting them to bed, its being there if and when they deign to share their thoughts with you.

I go to bed before two of my DC these days- it is many years since we got a private evening :(

. Yes occasionally I do put dh to bed , but certainly not soon after I had twins!

gracia I think the major issue for the OP isn't this one instance. It's the fact she can see the same pattern appearing as it was with her first ML, when he did as he pleased, leaving her with their dc whilst doing what he wanted but with no thought for the family.
She isn't overreacting to this one time but is clearly anxious that what had happened last time will happen again. And they nearly got divorced about it. Donor a small issue at all.

OP the only way I found which us working for us is to act Ina wY that is just as entitled. I tried the organised way, one evening for you, one for me but it never worked. Mainly because I couldn't keep to it as he was putting himself before family time and I put family time before myself.
However just saying 'I am doings on such day' with no discussion has proven more efficient.

thanks everyone for your thoughts.

We did "discuss" it last night but it didn't go brilliantly. He reckons that work always trumps hobbies (in theory I agree, and I would want it to work that way if I had a work trip) and so there was no point in asking me nicely because I had no choice but to say yes. Ergo his rude entitled behaviour that I am angry about was perfectly justified.

I don't want to stop him going, I know I said it's his choice to go, and it is, but I do recognise that it is good for his career if he goes and, again, I would expect him to enable me to go on a similar trip. Also the overtime will help.

So it still boils down to him being rude and entitled, and also a little bit because it has happened twice in 2 weeks and I'm concerned it might turn into a more regular thing.

I have resolved to try and act in just as an entitled way as he does. It goes against the grain though. I have started by booking a haircut for saturday and sending him an outlook notification.

I am pondering a spa day for the following weekend.

To the posters pointing out our lifestyle will be harder with another DC, that is starting to dawn on me and I am slightly terrified. It took a lot of time and effort for us to adjust to a new "fair" way of living and I resented DH for a long time because he had the better deal. I am extremely wary about it all falling apart again.

It is perhaps sad that I value the equality part of our relationship more than spending time with DH. But that is the reality.

I guess this time around you are more aware and will "demand" equality still throughout your ML?

Your comment about valuing equality more than the relationship is I think very important. You feel, with good reason, give him an inch and he will take a mile, I need to defend myself. That is a very difficult place to start from.

Hopefully as the kids get bigger you will naturally spend more time all together and the issue of separate time will become less difficult to fit in.

Well, he can hardly ask his work to rearrange the work event because you have a class!

Yes, he should have discussed it with you instead of just telling you, but I do agree with posters who suggest that flying into 'a rage' about it is just an over reaction. You're partner; there are times when you can't always have total equality and tit for tat and one of you had to make sacrifices. There are times when you sacrifice and they'll be times when he will. As long as you're not the only one making these compromises I don't see the need to react so angrily. Maybe a situation will arise in the future when you want to go somewhere/do something and its a little selfish and untimely but you still want to. You can expect him to also compromise then.

Being married and part of a partnership doesn't mean you have to live life in a straight jacket. Allow him these occasional moments- as long as they are occasional- and you'll also feel better about the times when you are doing things that you want to do that are not totally necessary.

I would stop him from going. Imo there are more important things thsn work, certainly more important things than a non essential work trip. One of those more important things is respect within a marriage and consideration towards one's spouse and responsibility towards one's children. Your husband is failing in alk these important things, in his arrogant assumption that he can do as he pleases and you have to fit in and do his share of the childcare as well!

So if he was mine I would be saying no to the trip and that if the situation arose again thrn you expect him to ask and not dictate. Dont let him take the piss out of you.

Finally though, if your relationship is functioning like this, is it a relationship you can see yourself growing old with?

He reckons that work always trumps hobbies

True. And I can even see that he thought it was pointless to ask nicely if it was just a 'nicety'.

However, why on earth he didn't offer to 'swap' the nights that week so you could have a couple of free evenings.

or... he says he will fix a babysitter. As opposed to leaving it to you to do.

LouiseAderyn I feel sorry for your DH. Work is essential. Especially for those of us who have to do it!!

Work is essential, but this particular work trip is not.

Personally I feel sorry for all those people, generally women, who accept the idea that their partner is allowed to be rude and inconsiderate and that their 'rights' can be ignored just because an optional work trip has come along.

Even for essential work trips, manners cost nothing.

Am amazed at the notion of parents having "hobbies". Sorry but I just am. Maybe if you have childcare on tap that's possible - but if not, you both need to get a grip.

You need an income right? You have a child and are about to have two. Sort yourselves out! It's not about you, or even him.

what's wrong with parents having hobbies? Seems to me they have worked out a system and he is fucking with it to benefit his needs at the expense of hers.

Given that he has form for this, I can see why she is worried and wants to nip it ib the bud

I could go to work networking things three times a week and tell DH it was work and therefore trumped whatever he wants to do.

I don't because we have an agreed balance and any changes to that balance are discussed.

He's going on a fucking work trip for fucks sake!! You might not think it is essential, but what if he loses his job because he didn't go? Or doesn't get promoted. Sorry, but work is important. Hobbies aren't. Get over it.

Are you missing that this trip is not a 'go or lose your job' type trip but one he would like to do but isnt essential?

Also he was not prepared to give up his hobby days to make it up to her

Even on essential work trips, if you need your spouse to cover your child care commitments, there is a lot to be said for asking and not informing

Sounds to me like he's staking a claim for more time out of the house than you BEFORE you start maternity leave this time.

His argument that works trumps everything else basically means that once you are on maternity leave he can do whatever the fuck he likes and leave you to pick up the pieces.

Having to fight your corner so much when all you want is equality is pretty shit.