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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have the rage with DH

115 replies

sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 17:52

I am so angry with him now I can't think properly. Please help me find some perspective.

We normally have fairly equal parenting duties (well in theory), taking it in turns to do childcare while we each have 2 nights/week for hobbies or activities, that sort of thing. We both work 4 days/wk. If one of us has a rare work trip we work around it. In general it all seems to work OK.

Last week DH told me he needed to go away with work Wed/Thurs this week, OK. It means I miss my regular activity but I can deal with it as a one off.

Today, he sent me an outlook meeting request just saying he was going away next week, sun night to Wed pm. Just like that, no discussion, nothing. I am incensed. I think these are the reasons why I'm angry
a) no discussion. I feel like it sends a message that he is more important and I have to just deal with it.
b) 2 weeks in a row I have to miss my activities with very little notice
c) when I phoned him and yelled at him I said well I should get Thurs & Fri night instead. He claims this is unfair and I am "taking this all the wrong way". WTAF??? I didn't even listen to his reasons.

TBH, if he had phoned me and had a sensible discussion with me that had started "is it ok if...." i probably would have been fine with it well maybe with some moaning

It's not like he has a mega important job or anything. He would quite like to go on these trips for technical reasons (I can understand that) but our jobs are very similar and I know that others could go instead of him if he refused.

Please help me calm down. I am 16wks pregnant and the rage is flowing through my veins.

OP posts:

josephinebruce · 15/10/2013 21:27

You have 2 fucking whole nights a week when you get to do what you want? Jesus christ. Get over yourself and grow up.

Peachypossum · 15/10/2013 21:32

Oh yes, some one up thread has reminded me. Clearly being pissed off with a mans entitled behavior is a symptom of your unreasonable hormones, nothing to do with a healthy normal response to being pissed off when they act like a selfish prick. I point out that my hormones just make me less tolerant of his crap ;)

He didn't really compromise at all though did he? He just assumed you would change your plans to allow him to do his own thing twice in a row. If all things are equal clearly you will not need to compromise either.

Garcia10 · 15/10/2013 21:34

This a real eye opener for me. I go away most weeks for work. I never ask my husband if it is OK. Just presume that as I am out earning money for my family and keeping myself in employment that it is OK. Sometimes I don't tell him until the day before I go.

Do you really think he chooses to work away sleeplessbunny? Surely in this economic climate what he is doing is job preservation. I know I am.

Apologies for cross posts. I only read to the bottom of the first page.

YABVU

travailtotravel · 15/10/2013 21:35

Oh and on the forgot to buy milk/loo roll etc issue. Its a sad fact of life tht they need to be trained. It is harder with DC's but we've managed.

If its not on the shopping list it doesn't get bought.

We run out of weetabix (the only cereal DH will eat), oh, didn't know we needed any it wasn't on the list.
We're out of loo roll! - was it on the list? I went the other day.
There's no milk for breakfast! Did you not notice this morning and think to get any(since you're the only one who uses it)

I am like a stuck record. But its working.

MsVestibule · 15/10/2013 21:43

Garcia, seriously? When my DH is asked to go away on business, he phones me to check it's OK and that we don't have anything planned that he may have forgotten about. It's called consideration for others. It's a shame you appear to have such little respect for your DH that you think he doesn't deserve to know as soon as you know.

BerstieSpotts · 15/10/2013 21:50

Oh FFS a man doesn't "need to be trained". He's not a dog. Refusing to take responsibility for something which isn't your responsibility is nothing to do with training him.

And josephine, if you read the thread, it's not about time (and just because she gets 2 nights doesn't mean he gets the other 5!) it's about the way he asked, or rather, told - not even that, he booked it in.

Garcia10 · 15/10/2013 21:50

MsVestibule - seriously. He knows I have to go away a lot with my job and has adjusted his life accordingly so as to be able to look after our daughter. I have a well paid job and we need the money.

I believe he would think it odd if I informed him every time I am going to be away many days in advance. I do what I do to earn money. It isn't about having fun and deliberately impinging on his leisure time, as the OP appeared to be suggesting, therefore he accepts it as I would if the roles were reversed.

fairylightsintheautumn · 15/10/2013 21:52

josephine how about you read the whole thread before leaping on one bit of the OP? Why she should she not get two whole nights to herself? I assume from your post that you don't. The competitive "my life is crapper than yours" issue was dealt two pages ago.

BerstieSpotts · 15/10/2013 21:54

Sleepless, apologise for yelling, blame the hormones if you think they're to blame, and bring up the issue of how he told you about this. And do compromise - since it would have been fine if he'd asked/told you about it nicely. If he continues to take the piss, then no, I wouldn't compromise any more.

The more general issue of him not realising what you do can wait, really it can - if you tie it in with this then he won't see it as a serious ongoing issue, he'll just think it's you being annoyed and blowing one thing out of proportion. Wait for this to blow over, and then bring that one up later when you can make a calm, measured script to actually get him to see rather than getting upset yourself.

BerstieSpotts · 15/10/2013 21:59

But different things work in different relationships, don't they? Garcia your setup clearly works well for you and your DH and if everything is set up to deal with this and both of you are happy with it, then it's fine. I assume he would speak to you about it if it started to bother him, and then perhaps you would adjust things.

Similarly if OP and her DH have an arrangement where they have set nights out each and extra work trips etc are worked around, then that works too - but he should be sticking to the accepted/decided procedure which is to warn in advance (and either say "I'm sorry, I know I only went out last week but I really have to do this one" or "I know I only went out last week, but I really want to do this one. I promise I'll give the next one a miss. Do you mind?") - ie, acknowledging that it's a bit of a pain for her, rather than just assuming it's fine.

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 21:59

He would think it was odd you might care about him?

no he wouldnt

What if he wants to go meet a friend on a saturday at the pub... if he doesn't let you know you havent got anyone looking after your child. The onus is on him to be the only one to let you know about his plans. Surely both of you as adults... should inform each other of your plans.

That's so disrespectful

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 22:01

i'm not saying you shuldnt go away on business btw just that the fact that you know about it advance and choose not to mention until just before smacks of disrespect.

MsVestibule · 15/10/2013 22:02

Garcia I'm not suggesting for a second that you shouldn't go away on business when necessary and if your DH isn't bothered that you don't tell him as soon as you know... It wouldn't work for me, but horses for courses and all that . Perhaps my initial response was a little OTT, but your first post came over (to me) as a little dismissive towards your DH.

peggyundercrackers · 15/10/2013 22:04

I agree with Garcia & Josephine - you need to grow up if all you have to rant about is this. rage? really... [insert head shaking smiley]

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 22:06

thinking everyone in a family's time is equal is not being childish.

Chrysanthemum5 · 15/10/2013 22:10

Garcia10- do you do any of the nursery/school runs, take your child to activities etc? Because if you do then you being away on business will require your DH to pick up the slack. That's why it's polite to discuss these things in advance. DH is away tomorrow he told me as soon as he knew about it because it requires rearranging some things. I'd do the same if I were going away.

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 22:14

I just can't understand why you wouldn't tell someone in advance if you knew something was happening unless you either want control or really think the other person's time is less valuable than yours.

Garcia10 · 15/10/2013 22:22

BerstieSpotts - you are right. It does work for us but probably only because I have an understanding husband who realises that I do what needs to be done to keep me in a job.

MsVestibule - I understand your post but I would hate to think that people think I am dismissive of my husband. As above we both do what we need to to ensure I can do my job.

What baffles me about the OP is that she appears concerned that her husband's absence disrupts her activity. Surely her husband's job and keeping it is more important than any leisure activity?

Chrysanthemum5 - when I am not away I do all the driving to and from school (although to be fair she is now older so walks herself but when I first started in this job she was only 18 months old).

We don't need to discuss anything. If I am away he does it. It's obvious really - if I can't he has to. It's not like I'm away for the fun of it. Just like I'm sure the OP's husband isn't.

joanofarchitrave · 15/10/2013 22:29

'I am dreading my next maternity leave.'

This is the one that needs discussing - I think you're right, it's the crux. It sounds like you felt really disenfranchised on ML and only got back to a balance you felt OK about when back at work. What could be different this time? How long are you taking? I don't even know if the rules that say you can split leave between parents have come in yet?

josephinebruce · 15/10/2013 22:32

What baffles me about the OP is that she appears concerned that her husband's absence disrupts her activity. Surely her husband's job and keeping it is more important than any leisure activity?

Yeah, this is what I meant to say and failed totally and just sounded like a cow!

fairylightsintheautumn · 15/10/2013 22:35

but she has made it fairly clear in her OP that this is an optional trip, not a job on the line one. And it was the manner of his "telling her" that seems so U.

MerryMarigold · 15/10/2013 22:36

I think the OP's set up is very different. They seem to work 50:50 (both 4 days per week) and do 50:50 childcare when they are around - or that is the aim. So it's different from a set up where one parent is more responsible.

Also, it's clear the OP's husband chooses to go away on these trips. They are not essential.

I think, OP, based on your set up, that it's entirely reasonable for you to request that he gives up his evenings to childcare, particularly as it has happened 2 weeks in a row. I think a one-off would have been kind of ok, we need to have grace and all that. But twice is taking the mick and he should be offering something. It's very disrespectful to you and the way you have set up your family life.

phoolani · 15/10/2013 22:40

Do not let this go! You let it go now, he'll go I'm-a-selfish-over-entitled-bastard on you all the time when you're on mat leave. Then the shit will never stop. As he's decided to go, he forfeits his nights out. It's not rocket science.

TheDoctrineOfSpike · 15/10/2013 22:58

Do each of you have your childcare responsibilities marked In your outlook? That works well for us so any change of pick up/drop off is heralded by a meeting request/change?

itsmeisntit · 15/10/2013 23:54

I think l wold have been tempted to ask what babysitting arrangements he had made for DD while he was away and you were at your activity. It was his "turn" you would be unavailable so he would need to make arrangements (I know you wouldn't want a babysitter but just putting it out there might make him think).

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