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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have the rage with DH

115 replies

sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 17:52

I am so angry with him now I can't think properly. Please help me find some perspective.

We normally have fairly equal parenting duties (well in theory), taking it in turns to do childcare while we each have 2 nights/week for hobbies or activities, that sort of thing. We both work 4 days/wk. If one of us has a rare work trip we work around it. In general it all seems to work OK.

Last week DH told me he needed to go away with work Wed/Thurs this week, OK. It means I miss my regular activity but I can deal with it as a one off.

Today, he sent me an outlook meeting request just saying he was going away next week, sun night to Wed pm. Just like that, no discussion, nothing. I am incensed. I think these are the reasons why I'm angry
a) no discussion. I feel like it sends a message that he is more important and I have to just deal with it.
b) 2 weeks in a row I have to miss my activities with very little notice
c) when I phoned him and yelled at him I said well I should get Thurs & Fri night instead. He claims this is unfair and I am "taking this all the wrong way". WTAF??? I didn't even listen to his reasons.

TBH, if he had phoned me and had a sensible discussion with me that had started "is it ok if...." i probably would have been fine with it well maybe with some moaning

It's not like he has a mega important job or anything. He would quite like to go on these trips for technical reasons (I can understand that) but our jobs are very similar and I know that others could go instead of him if he refused.

Please help me calm down. I am 16wks pregnant and the rage is flowing through my veins.

OP posts:

josephinebruce · 17/10/2013 21:28

With some people's work there is no difference. Mine, for example. If I didn't go on a work trip just because my partner didn't want me to, then yes, I'd lose out on promotion and be top of the list to be got rid of. That's life.

TheDoctrineOfSpike · 17/10/2013 21:37

Josephine, OP made it clear upthread the trip was optional.

Snuppeline · 17/10/2013 21:40

OP I feel your pain. The entitlement and letting you pick up the pieces is something I recognise. It's a mugs game - and guess who's the mug... Haven't got the solution I'm afraid but hope you succeed.

josephinebruce · 17/10/2013 22:58

And I am saying that sometimes "optional" isn't fucking "optional" it is just another way of saying "go, or else"

DebrisSlide · 17/10/2013 23:01

I don't get how this thread has developed. It doesn't matter whether the trip is optional or not. Or whether it's about hobbies or anything else. His trip coincided with a night where he provides childcare. He doesn't just get to say "I'm not here" without making sure that the children are looked after by someone else in place of him! That's the point, not about whether the OPs activities rank more highly or not in respect to his.

This is a real mindset divider, isn't it?

scallopsrgreat · 17/10/2013 23:16

Totally agree DebrisSlide.

Josephine you seem to be arguing against straw men here. The OP has already said that she doesn't want him to stop him going. She just wanted some consideration and less of a sense of entitlement from him.

Really it's not too much to ask in a relationship surely?

IsItMeOr · 17/10/2013 23:20

I agree with Debris.

Yes, work can be inconvenient sometimes. That inconvenience can be minimised by a) involving your co-parent in the planning and b) assuming that the negative impacts will be shared equally.

OP you need to be clear with your partner that this is a sensitive issue for you, and he needs to be more considerate in how he approaches it - assuming he values a happy relationship with you. It is appropriate that you both share what free time is left after this chunk of time is lost - I don't understand why he would think anything different was okay?

Hope you sort it out soon.

TheDoctrineOfSpike · 17/10/2013 23:29

Some work trips aren't optional.

This one is.

OP states that in her OP.

quesadilla · 19/10/2013 20:21

Never mind the fact he is away for three nights or that he is making you miss your evening thing two weeks in a row; sending your spouse an outlook request as the opening gambit is what would make me see red. That's just weird.

Gruntfuttock · 19/10/2013 20:27

It's obvious where your "DH" went wrong. He thought you were an adult.
Well, he knows differently now.

LouiseAderyn · 19/10/2013 21:30

So it's childish to expect manners and consideration from one's spouse is it? Not to mention adherence to previously agreed commitments.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 20/10/2013 09:06

Grunt I'd say it's more like he thought the OP was his secretary.

shellbot · 20/10/2013 09:44

I don't think you're being unreasonable as it's for work. But wouldn't the fairest thing be to split the remaining free evenings equality. If he's away say 3 evenings then split the remaining 2 evenings between you so you both get a free evening.

shellbot · 20/10/2013 09:44

Meant that you're not being unreasonable to be annoyed that he's keeping his free days as these should be split between you.

Lovecat · 20/10/2013 12:01

Can't believe the pasting the OP is getting on this thread - have people magically started posting from 1950?

There is nothing wrong with parents having hobbies. I am absolutely boggling at the person who posted that.

For the last 2 months I have been out 2 nights a week and most Saturdays because I'm directing a play. We open next week so I will have 2 nights at home all week. This happens about twice a year and DH is nothing but supportive as he knows it's important to me. He often works away at short notice, so we do have to juggle, but isn't that what being a partnership is about? And we would never dream of organising something without consulting the other.

I get it that Outlook is used, we often use it because DH has the memory of a goldfish and if he doesn't ping me the outlook when it gets booked he'll have forgotten about it by the time he gets home. But it is always accompanied by 'this has come up and I'd really like to go to it, is it ok?' if it's optional, which this trip appears to be. Even if it's work and non-negotiable, he appreciates that it affects us and won't just lay down the law. It's called manners and consideration, and it's not unreasonable of the OP to expect some from her husband.

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