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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have the rage with DH

115 replies

sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 17:52

I am so angry with him now I can't think properly. Please help me find some perspective.

We normally have fairly equal parenting duties (well in theory), taking it in turns to do childcare while we each have 2 nights/week for hobbies or activities, that sort of thing. We both work 4 days/wk. If one of us has a rare work trip we work around it. In general it all seems to work OK.

Last week DH told me he needed to go away with work Wed/Thurs this week, OK. It means I miss my regular activity but I can deal with it as a one off.

Today, he sent me an outlook meeting request just saying he was going away next week, sun night to Wed pm. Just like that, no discussion, nothing. I am incensed. I think these are the reasons why I'm angry
a) no discussion. I feel like it sends a message that he is more important and I have to just deal with it.
b) 2 weeks in a row I have to miss my activities with very little notice
c) when I phoned him and yelled at him I said well I should get Thurs & Fri night instead. He claims this is unfair and I am "taking this all the wrong way". WTAF??? I didn't even listen to his reasons.

TBH, if he had phoned me and had a sensible discussion with me that had started "is it ok if...." i probably would have been fine with it well maybe with some moaning

It's not like he has a mega important job or anything. He would quite like to go on these trips for technical reasons (I can understand that) but our jobs are very similar and I know that others could go instead of him if he refused.

Please help me calm down. I am 16wks pregnant and the rage is flowing through my veins.

OP posts:
AlexaChelsea · 15/10/2013 17:57

YANBU. That's not an appropriate way to ask.

HE should have called to discuss. Or even, if he had to go, called to tell you. Either way, he shouldn't tell you like that.

Loosingthebigkickers · 15/10/2013 17:58

Shock massive over reaction. It's work!

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 18:02

yes it's work but I know (because I know the context) that it is also his choice to go. If he wanted to, he could choose to go on this sort of thing every couple of weeks. In my mind, if he makes that choice then it is HIS hobby nights that he should sacrifice, not mine!!!

OP posts:
MrsMangoBiscuit · 15/10/2013 18:07

If it's entirely optional, and not something that's technically optional, but he really should attend, then of course he should be the one sacrificing his nights off. Equal leisure time, if he chooses to spend that by going to an entirely optional work thing, that's his call, he doesn't get to spend your leisure time on something he chooses, just because it's work related, and still get his normal leisure time to do as he wishes.

That said, if it's something that he really should be attending, despite being technically optional, then I think he'll also need some downtime. Maybe you could share the days, and have 1 night off each.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 15/10/2013 18:07

Blimey love, you're in for a bit of a shock once bubbas here if this is how you react now. I get it truly. I do it too. You need to calm down and talk properly. Presently I bet all he hears is 'mad pregnant woman' not anything else.

CaptainSweatPants · 15/10/2013 18:10

I'm assuming op already has dcs otherwise she'd still be able to go out to her activity

yeghoulsandlittledevils · 15/10/2013 18:16

Oh my! Try having a DH who works away from home almost all the time!

complexnumber · 15/10/2013 18:17

What Minnie said

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 18:18

it's the expectation that I will drop everything that winds me up. I would never dream of just telling DH "oh, i'm going away for 3 days next week" no discussion, nothing.
I think there is some sexism here in fact. I felt it when I was on maternity leave with DD too, he started swanning off leaving me to it and it caused huge problems. once i went back to work and we had a weekly routine planned with 50/50 responsibilities it was much better. I suppose it's a bit of a crutch to me, that routine, and I feel like he's just come and blown it out of the water against my will.
I am dreading my next maternity leave. Maybe that's part of why I am reacting so strongly.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 18:20

i do need to calm down, I know. I need to work out why I am so infuriated so I don't completely miss the point when he comes home and we can talk argue about it.

OP posts:
MrsMangoBiscuit · 15/10/2013 18:22

Argh, why the fuck is there always someone on these types of threads who says "But my situation with my husband is worse than yours" ??

yeghoulsandlittledevils the OP's husband doesn't work away all the time, so their arangement is different from yours and has previously been agreed between them. If your arangement is different and you are happy with it, great! That doesn't mean that the OP has to put up with her DH changing their arangement without any discussion.

DebrisSlide · 15/10/2013 18:26

He could arrange for a babysitter to cover for him not being there so that you can still do your activities. That would be logical, no?

He is making you default carer. Not good enough.

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/10/2013 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

travailtotravel · 15/10/2013 18:29

Nip it in the bud.

If he sent you an outlook calendar request, you can just decline it...

travailtotravel · 15/10/2013 18:30

Or send some back to him.

Owllady · 15/10/2013 18:31

I agree with you OP, he should have discussed it with you first. You are equal partners and equal parents and your dd is his daughter too, it's just fair he would discuss it with you first

fancy sending an outlook email, how rude!

Beastofburden · 15/10/2013 18:32

It's rude. But perhaps it was unthinking and rushed, rather than dismissive. An outlook invite suggests he put it into his work diary, then copied it to you like an email. Perhaps even so you could discuss it that evening, rather than assuming you would say yes, just for convenience.

Two evenings a week each for activities and a four day working week- on the whole, OP, that does sound like a pretty good deal. I don't think I have ever been offered two evenings a week for my own activities :(

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/10/2013 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/10/2013 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whois · 15/10/2013 18:35

Argh, why the fuck is there always someone on these types of threads who says "But my situation with my husband is worse than yours" ??

Quite. Just cos you've broken your leg doesn't make my stubbed toe hurt any less. :-) Love that saying, think I saw it on MN.

WireCat · 15/10/2013 18:36

I think you've overreacted.
But you can blame your hormones! Grin

Peachypossum · 15/10/2013 18:37

This would give me the rage too and I'm not pregnant! Its the assumption that you should give over your time/plans with no discussion or attempt to meet in the middle, just the general gist of his stuff being more 'worthy' of yours.

My DH has excellent form for this and is known to most of my circle as entitled, however his job means that he doesn't have set work hours and has to stay until the job is finished, its our own company so its failure on any job would impact me too, whereas my job 'should' be 9 - 5 and is salaried. This means I take over the bulk of responsibility for all things childcare and most house stuff. If he has the bloody nerve to drop an unannounced late evening in or not phone to let me know I consider it massively rude, likewise if he works the weekend and mentions it on his way out the door. My LO's are not so little now so I can nip out to the gym etc but when they were younger it was awful. It is dismissive in my eyes.

It's that feeling of being used, of not being considered on a level pitch. I hope he see's the light with this one, my DH never will, but he never has and I knew exactly how big his self entitlement was before I married him, mostly I love the arrogant sod.

I love the idea of declining it!!

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 18:38

TBF, we do use outlook invitations for a lot of our admin. trivial stuff, usually. But if I'm asking for his time or input, I will always ask and explain why I can't do it.

I did decline it. Not that that means anything.

It is the default carer (that is the expression I needed, thanks debris) thing that gets my goat. That was how he treated me last maternity leave and it nearly split us up. I am very easily riled about it now, probably more so now I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
DebrisSlide · 15/10/2013 18:39

Or maybe he has sorted a babysitter and I'm being unfair.

It's not an amazing deal for her. He's got an amzing deal as well. Except that, barring him making alternative arrangements to provide his evening of childcare, it is only amazing for both of them if they both have the same attitude. And if he hasn't sorted out cover and just assumed that the OP will pick up the slack, it's not as equal in spiritas the OP has been led to believe.

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 15/10/2013 18:41

and i know not many people get 2 nights/wk but we both get that, by our own arrangement. And we both make sacrifices (mainly not seeing each other, hence communicating by outlook invitation) to allow it.

OP posts: