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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse my SIL access to DS until she can respect my wishes?

108 replies

Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:02

My SIL often asks to take my DS out for the day with her son. Probably twice a month. She often brings a good friend of hers who is pregnant and likes to "practice" l

I made a simple request of her. As my ds has recently come out of hospital after serious pneumonia I asked if they could please not go to the filthy soft play that is near my MIL's house.

OP posts:
ICameOnTheJitney · 15/10/2013 12:03

Well did they go anyway?

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:06

Pressed send too soon.

I made this request as my sons immune system is currently very weak.

MIL And SIL planned behind my back to go to the soft play so MIL could visit her without travelling. SIL lied to me and said that they spent the day playing at her house. This morning, despite avoiding the outbreak at nursery by staying away for a week, my son has just started to develop blisters on his hands and mouth. I know it was from the soft play as he has not been anywhere for a week, and I rang SIL to ask if DN had developed it also. He had.

OP posts:
tinyturtletim · 15/10/2013 12:07

Yanbu. Your mil is just as bad.

What does your dh say?

ClaimedByMe · 15/10/2013 12:09

Hmm he could have got it from your DN rather than the soft play place

ChampagneTastes · 15/10/2013 12:10

Hang on, do you definitely know that they took him? How, apart from the blisters? What is your evidence (or have I missed something?)

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 15/10/2013 12:10

So do you know for sure that they went there?

TEErickOrTEEreat · 15/10/2013 12:12

He could have gotten that anywhere.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:12

My dh left for work at 4am so I won't be able to let him know until later but he cannot abide slyness so I imagine he will be angry as our poor ds is now ill again. I wasn't being unkind or trying to be obstructive asking them not to go there, I just want ds to be able to have a time when he is not bloody ill and I know that although i can't expect an immaculate environment where there are children,this soft play in particular is lacking in hygiene.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 15/10/2013 12:12

Did they actually go there?

YANBU in theory tho.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:14

My evidence is that when I asked SIL if DN had the spots too she said "they must have got it at xxx" and then realised she had slipped up.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 15/10/2013 12:15

Do you know for sure they took him? If they did yanbu it's not their place to decide to go against what you said. But I hope you don't mind me asking why you let them take him in the first place as he's been so ill, I'd have kept him home.

onetiredUTTERLYTERRIFYINGmummy · 15/10/2013 12:15

Could the blisters not have been contracted from the DN & the soft play uninvolved.

So the DN had an illness incubating in him, your DS & DN played at their house like SIL says, DS caught the illness from DN & now both have the symptoms?

onetiredUTTERLYTERRIFYINGmummy · 15/10/2013 12:16

ah x post

yanbu

tinyturtletim · 15/10/2013 12:16

So she admitted it.

Sly.

Yanbu. Do not let her have him again.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:18

Giles, I hadn't let him go on the previous two offers as he was still wheezing. I thought that as they were only going to play at SIL house it would be a nice change of scenery for him and a bit of company.

I can't prove that he didn't indeed catch it from DN as I don't know much about the disease but it seems odd that they would come out in spots at the same time if one had it before the other? Perhaps I'm wrong.

OP posts:
ouryve · 15/10/2013 12:20

That sounds like hand foot and mouth. It's very contagious.

Retroformica · 15/10/2013 12:21

Id want confirmation that they went there.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:22

I believe it is. They had it at the nursery a couple of weeks ago so I kept him off last week to avoid it. Seems a coincidence 4 days after SIL had him he has developed these spots.

OP posts:
CreatureRetorts · 15/10/2013 12:22

Your ds isn't a toy to practice with.

Just say no.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/10/2013 12:22

Do not let them have him again then. He could have picked it up anywhere tbh but given you can't trust them I'd not send again

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/10/2013 12:23

I don't think it matters where he caught the hand foot and mouth, the issue is that you asked her not to take him somewhere, she agreed, then did it anyway. YANBU about that.

Tailtwister · 15/10/2013 12:23

YANBU. She deliberately went behind your back and took him anyway.

I wound't let her or your MIL have him again, period.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:24

It's not so much that he has caught it. I suppose that's unavoidable realistically. It's just that when I asked I pulled on a thread of lies. I am just irked that despite my asking I was ignored and lied to.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 15/10/2013 12:26

So she actually said "they must have got it at "?

I would never let her take him out of my sight again. Or MIL either if she knew what you had said and deliberately went behind your back.

It's not for them to decide its an 'acceptable risk' or 'probably won't happen' or 'doesn't matter that much anyway' or whatever was going through their minds.

Longtallsally · 15/10/2013 12:28

YANBU - I'd be furious. It is wonderful for kids to have cousins. IME that relationship is a special one which will probably be with him all of his life. However, it sounds as if you feel that your SIL is putting her mother's needs and her friends needs above you/your son's and as if you feel that you are being pushed aside.

Try to cultivate some local friends for you and your ds, so that he has alternatives for a play date. You can then say no to your sil if you need to without feeling guilty, or without feeling trapped into doing something with your son that you don't feel comfortable with. Keep your choices open, then you can say yes to your sil when and if you want to.