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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse my SIL access to DS until she can respect my wishes?

108 replies

Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:02

My SIL often asks to take my DS out for the day with her son. Probably twice a month. She often brings a good friend of hers who is pregnant and likes to "practice" l

I made a simple request of her. As my ds has recently come out of hospital after serious pneumonia I asked if they could please not go to the filthy soft play that is near my MIL's house.

OP posts:
FunnyRunner · 15/10/2013 12:28

If someone ignored me and lied to me about what they had done with my DC they wouldn't be getting anywhere near so YANBU.

hardboiledpossum · 15/10/2013 12:29

how old is your ds?

WoTmania · 15/10/2013 12:29

YANBU - your DS has been seriously ill and his health is still fragile. Your SIL knew this and yet she, and you MIL, planned to take him to a place you had specifically said no to. And now he's ill again.
Hope he feels better soon.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:30

Amuminscotland she said the place by name.

I believe that because my mil is too lazy to travel she coerced SIL to disregard my request and lie. Probably told her I was being neurotic or something.

Regardless, if I can't trust her to follow something I've said for (what I feel is) a sensible reason, I can't let her take ds any more.

OP posts:
Lovecat · 15/10/2013 12:31

YANBU - if it was that important for MIL to see him without travelling why couldn't they have gone round to hers instead of the softplay?

Poor DS - I hope he feels better soon.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:31

Hardboiled he is 2.7

OP posts:
Shenanagins · 15/10/2013 12:32

Yanbu. You asked her specifically to not do something and regardless of your reason she disregarded it. Wouldn't let her take your ds again.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 12:33

Lovecat it's not my DS MIL is interested in. She just wants to see SIL's son. (That's a whole different story) but she can be very lazy and insists on people going to her all the time.

OP posts:
JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 15/10/2013 12:34

So when she slipped up did she apologise or anything?

hardboiledpossum · 15/10/2013 12:40

yanbu.

if he is 2.7 couldn't you just ask him what he did?

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 13:01

Hardboiled he's a non talker he has a severe speech and understanding delay and is currently being assessed.

Justthisonce, I gave her the rope and she hung herself. She mentioned the play place first and then made a lame excuse about being just about to go out when I called. Rest assured I will get DH to call her when he gets in. I will just be made to feel neurotic or stupid. He will demand explanations from both of them.

OP posts:
QueenofallIsee · 15/10/2013 13:20

It is very important that anyone who is acting as a carer to your children respects and understands your wishes - if you cannot trust that to be the case with your SIL then sadly her contact with your son will have to be with you rather than alone.

The catching of an illness could have been anywhere so I am not saying it is her fault he is poorly, this is about her decision to overule you as his parent.

bigbrick · 15/10/2013 13:26

She can see your ds when you are there at your house & not take him any where until she can understand to follow your wishes and respect you

exexpat · 15/10/2013 13:27

It's irrelevant whether he caught the illness at softplay or not. She took him somewhere you had specifically asked her not to, and lied about it. She certainly wouldn't be taking any child of mine out again.

YBR · 15/10/2013 13:28

To ban SIL (or MIL) from seeing your DS at all might be a bit steep, but do make sure you have words. (That they deliberately defied your reasonable wishes and lied to you with predictable consequences, not just for your DS but for your ability to trust them. You could add that it's also not the kind of dishonest behaviour you want your DS to learn).
Obviously part of those predictable consequences will be that you'd not be leaving DS alone with them in future, or allowing him to go at all when his immune system is weak.

I feel that you need them to realise that their misbehavour action has consequences, much like training children to behave well!

Inertia · 15/10/2013 13:36

It's the deceit and complete disregard of your wishes that would get me, never mind the fact that they seem to regard your DS as some kind of practice dummy.

In future, I'd say that they can visit you or you'll all meet up together.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 13:54

MIL is no longer welcome in my home due to her stupid attitude towards mine and DH's decision to adopt, and her obvious favouritism.

I have absolutely no desire to meet MIL or SIL anywhere so that only leaves SIL and DN coming to mine for now. I know she won't want to do that. I would never stop DN coming to play here as it isn't the children's fault. How if ever will I know when SIL has learnt her lesson and can be trusted?

OP posts:
tinyturtletim · 15/10/2013 14:02

To be honest someone who cannot respect you as an adult will never respect you ever.

hardboiledpossum · 15/10/2013 14:06

sorry. well it was really rude of her and I would be furious. make sure she definitely did take him their though before you go all guns blazing.

DarkVelvetySilkyShiraz · 15/10/2013 14:08

I don't think banning is steep at all, they have blithly already ignored your very sensible wishes after a very severe illness, and he is now ill again.

How else do you get through to people who will not listen to you or take on board what they say?

JackNoneReacher · 15/10/2013 14:12

She can't be trusted. Doesn't matter the reasons you didn't want him at the softplay. I wouldn't leave him with her again.

Original poster
Bunraku · 15/10/2013 14:18

Well SIL is clearly guilty. She has commissioned MIL to ring the home phone and leave a message on the answering machine of the landline which they know I never answer, dh and I just use it for the voicemail.

"MrBunraku can you give me a call when you are in from work. I need to chat to you as bunraku is just going to shout and not listen."

I know she is going to try her crying shit.

This has just made me more angry now. Woe betide her if she thinks dh is going to side with her.

OP posts:
exexpat · 15/10/2013 14:20

You will probably have to wait until DS is (much) older and can be relied on to tell you what happens with SiL.

ProphetOfDoom · 15/10/2013 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreeWee · 15/10/2013 14:54

What is it with family members ignoring requests by the parents to do or not do something when they're in their care? There's so much of it on MN. MILs not agreeing with BFing so give formula. SIL not believing in a nut allergy and giving a walnut whip. Now a SIL being asked not to take her DN to a soft play centre and yet does so anyway. OP you have every right for whatever reason you like to say I don't want my DS to go to XYZ. Your reason in this instance was very valid and guess what? He caught something so you are completely vindicated!