To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

[Stillhopingstillhere]

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

My point is, I am fully supported, and my job is to run our household(s).

Same as OP.

It's a very important role, and my DP massively appreciates what I do holding the whole lot together. He openly says he's amazed at what I do, and he couldn't do it.

When you have a child at school for 6hrs+ a day, and don't work, you kind of have to ask the question, what exactly are you doing dear?

She has time to volunteer (at what we don't know yet). He has time to play golf. Good for both of them. Her role in running the house is equally important as his role at work. She also hasn't indicated at all that it's because they need the extra cash. If they did, presumably she wouldn't just be volunteering somewhere now.

So, you can sort of conclude, as she says that this is now as DS will be at school, she's got extra time on her hands, looking to broaden her horizons, get back to some work, and I fully agree with that. So stop the volunteer work. Why should he sacrifice his time and take on what has been her responsibility, when she can just substitute the volunteer work for a paid job. "Oh but why should she????" Er...equally, why should he? Otherwise she's voluntarily reducing her time to run the house and shifting it to him. It's unfair.

Sugarhut. No wonder you don't expect your partner to do anything because you don't either! You have a housekeeper. So that means this isn't an issue for you.
If they are both working they should be sharing the housework. End of.

But mother would you not agree that based on the principle of "equal leisure time" if the sum total of childcare and paid work of one partner are less than the working hours of the other, then the person with fewer working hours should pick up the housework so that both partners can then have equal leisure time, defined as time not doing paid work, housework or childcare?

When you have a child at school for 6hrs+ a day, and don't work, you kind of have to ask the question, what exactly are you doing dear?

So I'm asking you......

I would tell him to do one back to the 1950s.

No, what is not unreasonable to expect is that a woman with a school-age child would get a paid job.

It's not unreasonable, but neither is it mandatory.
Nor is it mandatory to assume every hour will be spent doing house work.

When you have a child at school for 6hrs+ a day, and don't work, you kind of have to ask the question, what exactly are you doing dear?

Whatever I please.

Why do brides wear white? To match the rest of the domestic appliances.

I love all this 'My husband doesn't want to do housework/ he works all day' Boo Fucking Hoo. I don't want to do housework either- but it's called being a Grown Up and realising that Mummy won't always be putting clean tighty whities in your underwear drawer as if by magic.

When you have a child at school for 6hrs+ a day, and don't work, you kind of have to ask the question, what exactly are you doing dear? Whatever I please

Surely you would not expect to swan around all day doing as you choose while your DH is at work and then expect him to come home and do housework ?

Can you imagine the fracas there would be if someone posted "I work 7-7 every day. DH is unemployed, he used to be a SAHD but now the kids are at school he just does a few hours voluntary work. Every day when I get home I find he's done not very much and expects me to do housework when I get in, on top of my working day. AIBU to think he is taking the P ?"

Ok, the "whatever I please" line is funny until you think what the MN reaction would be if a man said it.

Is it reasonable for one partner to have 6 hours a day to herself every day of the week, but not to get the bulk of the housework done in that time? I would say not, and my answer would be the same regardless of how the roles panned out. When you get WOHM on here saying that their (SAH)OH doesn't do the housework while they're at work, the answer is always "LTB. He's a cock lodger."

If both of them are working equal hours, then no debate- housework to be shared equally

You don't need to ask me what I do. You can take the effort to scroll up and read the thread :)

I do plenty believe me, and still have a massive amount of free time. I do some of the upstairs housework, but generally not a lot so I won't pretend I do. I coordinate a hell of a lot between me, him, DS4, StepDS1,DD2,DD3 who are 3 different schools in two different countries, and, well, it's really no ones business about the detail. Suffice to say I do a lot of running the household... just because I'm not physically holding a broom makes little difference. It's just as important as what he does, and we both know it.

I don't expect him to do nothing, what a rather silly comment. He does more than enough as it is at work. I respect him and support him. Why would I make his life harder but not increase my workload at all? That's what she's proposing. It's that simple.

Hardfaced Spot on :)

Why would I make his life harder but not increase my workload at all?

Because it is the OP's right to undertake paid work as she wishes.

but that isn't what the op is saying - do take the effort to read the OP, why don't you? She is saying that she wants to do paid work on top of the volunteering (unpaid work).

I'm afraid I have no time for anyone, male or female, who isn't prepared to parent their child. If you are back in the house at 7, you can get involved in family life. Ditto at the weekend. I'm going to take a wild bet that this man has never looked after his own children by himself.

But at the same time the volunteering is a hobby, so if she spends 4 hours a week doing that, then the OH can spend 4 hrs playing golf.

Tbh, I'm torn on this one, and all I can come back to is the principle of equal leisure time and that that should be the deciding factor. Saying that he doesn't parent his own child is speculation unless the OP confirms. The DC may be in bed by 7.

Look, I have a clean house, a tidy garden, kids ferried around every where. I outsource some house work, I do some, dh does some things too.

I don't have to work for the extra income, I occasionally do (freelance creative). This suits my family and relationship, it would be unsuitable for other people.

If I decided to work more than 2 days a week it would impact family life. I would expect to talk about those implications with my partner, who has financially and emotionally supported me. I would expect to make plans together.

OP has also been financially supported by her dh for years, so she also has to discuss her new phase of life with him, and negotiate how this can practically work.

His initial reaction wasn't great, but it's not quite as terrible as some are making out.

Mrs Oakenshield ...she IS voluntarily increasing her workload, do take the effort to read the OP and think about it, why don't you?

She is taking on more work, (which makes her sound like a bit of a hero) but she's not...she's wanting to do her volunteering and now paid work as opposed to as much housework. Of her own choice. Why is she not reducing the volunteer work to start paid work? She's choosing to reduce the housework because she likes it less. Then shifting it on to him.

Her DH doesn't change one thing, and suddenly gets lumped with the shortfall in housework. She should swap some of the volunteer work for paid work. Or hire a cleaner for a couple of hours with the extra cash she'll be bringing to the household.

6hrs a day is plenty to get everything done, clean bits of house, laundry on, supermarket run, gym... She's wanting to have her cake and eat it, then hiding behind the irrelevant fact that it's housework and why should it all be her job because she's a women. It's a contribution that is not at all unreasonable for her to make, as her DS is at school all day.

Excellent post by impty

Her role in running the house is equally important as his role at work

to quote Sugarhut but the point is that the DH doesn't appear to feel that from what he said As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do which had a hint of a threat to it, he didn't say great idea, go and get a more interesting and fulfilling job than housework, did he?

I was a SAHM for many years and my DH's fulfilling and enjoyable (to him) job though long hours he enjoyed very much, he was also away a hell of a lot, the thing was that his work finished at 7 and he was free at the weekend but I was still cleaning, cooking, ferrying etc 3 DCs. Also finding this wonderful fun job once the DCs are at school is v difficult as they also have holidays which, as seems acceptable to the posters here, was entirely my responsibility so not easy to find anything much.

My advice to OP would be get a cleaner and get a decent job which pays towards childcare in the holidays, then when DCs leave home or are more independent you have something which you can build on. Housework is unrewarding and endless imo, so with hindsight, get out of it as soon as.

Ippty But the OP has been supported by her husband in return for her looking after their child (as have you) - therefore, no favours owed either way.

It's concerning that most of the people that make the earning's/career sacrifice so that "family life" doesn't suffer are women, and there's no escaping that

Therefore I tend to bristle when mothers seem to be asking permission from their partners to be in paid employment, when in fact that should be viewed as the default position (in that it should be no less likely than a father being in FT paid employment)

DH and I both worked OH until about 6 months ago. I am the bigger earner. We could live on my earnings but he chooses to work (fine). We could not live on his earnings (without major lifestyle changes). We shared housework and weekend childcare (he perhaps did more housework as his hours were shorter and his standards higher! but I did more of other things like cooking).
Anyway, 6 months ago he decided he did not like his job and gave it up. The original plan was for him to be a SAHD (to primary school age children) and do some voluntary work etc when they were at school and maybe look for something part time in the longer term in an area related to the one he had worked in but in his view more interested. He took the view that he should then be picking up more of the housework as he had more free time (hurrah). A (full time) job then came up in the area he was interested in getting into (at much lower pay than the job he gave up). He took it. I was annoyed at the time, becuase i felt he had moved the goal posts on the children (who liked having him around for homework etc) and i actually really quite liked the fact that I had less housework to do at weekends becuase he was around more during the week. However, i did recognise that it was ultimately his decision and that once he started his new job I was back on the hook for half the housework etc even though I would have preferred him not to take the job (and his new pay is not really adding much to the pot after childcare, although that is temporary until the kids are a bit older).

So I think if you have more free time during the week because kids are at school it is perfectly reasonable for you to do more housework. I also think that if you get a job so that you do not have enough free time to do it all while he is at work, then he should be picking up his share (and i think that is the case even if he would prefer for you not to work and to do housework instead). if you are earning, then use some of the additional money coming in to get him a cleaner. I do though think (and this is where it went a little wrong for us temporaily) that it is reasonable for you to discuss together the pros and cons of you getting a job for the entire family (your happiness being an important part of that).

Sorry if this is bad form to remember previous posts but are you still wanting another child with your DH? Despite comments like this?

Are you me? Lol.

Sorry if this is bad form to remember previous posts but are you still wanting another child with your DH? Despite comments like this?

Me? Hell no, I'm done. Not sure where you got that from.

It is terrible in the sense that his opposition to her working puts her in a vulnerable position of being financially dependent on her.

What would happen if he was single? He'd still have to work at home or pay someone to do it.

Why compromise her financial independency, possibly risking her future earning potential, just because he doesn't want her to work, or he doesn't want to do work at home?

It would only make sense for her to stay at home if it cost more to work than to stay at home.
I'm sure he doesn't ask her permission to work. Nor to go golfing...