To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

[Stillhopingstillhere]

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

[insomniarules]

Sorry was referring to OP, previous posts about this

[aturtlenamedmack]

It isn't a fair deal.
If both of you worked in paid employment full time you would share the house work.
You both work full time, you without a break, and yet you are landed with all the house work too.
Not fair. You are enabling him to go out and work full time as you are taking on the position of full time child care. The rest of the work should be shared as evenly and realistically as you can manage.
Don't let him treat you like a mug.

[ThisIsMeToo]

There are a LOT of reasons why the OP might want to work.
Money is clearly one reason (not for you sugar, but for a lit if women it IS a necessity)
Having some financial independence is another (personally I would always encourage both art nets to have some financial independence.
But more importantly perhaps, working can be essential to the woman at home for her own personnal benefit. Volunteering is great but who us to say that it is fulfilling, that the OP us happy to be a SAHM and 'just' do housework and get little reward for it?
Someone mentioned that he needs to be reassessed all the time and this is true. Just as then weds of both partners need tons reassessed on a regular basis. What I really have a problem with is that the OP DH is happy and his needs are met hug the OP aren't but they are only recognised if it doesn't disturb her DH. How is that an equal partnership where everyone needs are met? Or is it his needs should always take precedence?

[Stillhopingstillhere]

Yes I want another child. About to undergo ivf.

That aside the volunteering is mainly to make myself more employable, it will likely drop down once I've found a job. Ds has only just started school so until now I've had him at home. He's been at school five weeks and I've used the time to get the house straight and to volunteer. He still isn't full time anyway.
As I said I don't mind doing everything when I'm a sahm but I don't think I will have time to do everything if I go back to work. It is to some degree a choice but dh does want me to go back. In fact he's more keen than me because of the money (he can't really see the point in the volunteering even though I've explained that it's to make it easier for my to find a job and get some current experience).

[ThisIsMeToo]

My big issue is the fact he had NOT tried to discuss what would work best for the family. Only set rules as to what she could or couldn't do.

The OP is happy to do all the HW with her dc at school full time AND before when they were at home full time.
But she now wants to go back to work. Why on earth should her DH be able to impose his pov on her on that subject?
Why is it that for her to work, she needs to take into account the needs if the whole family but when her DH works, he doesn't? Because he is the main provider? Well he is at them omens because thanks to her he has had the opportunity to develop his career. I would guess the situation would have been different if he had been the one at home.

Now if course, for some people, being at home is the right choice. It might even be a choice they got into after a fair and equal discussion with their DH. But I am pretty sure it didn't involve their DH telling them what to do. Not did it involve their needs and wants being ignored.
Which IS the case with the OP a
Ned ghe reason why that sort if answer isn't just badly expressed but inacceotable.

[Stillhopingstillhere]

What I meant was he's keen for the extra money...but obviously only if it doesn't impact on the housework

I would like to do something now because I'd like the financial independence and I want to feel I'm useful. I feel a bit pointless at home now.

[ThisIsMeToo]

Hold on.
So your dc is at school 2h a day. You do some volunteering but your DH isn't happy about it.
He wants you to work but doesn't want you to stop doing all the housework.
And you want another child through IVF, which is draining physically and emotionally.

Sorry but he is completely unreasonable there. He just wants everything wo putting any effort in.
Are you sure you want another child with that man?

[impty]

It is to some degree a choice but dh does want me to go back. In fact he's more keen than me

Then you are right he can't have it all ways. Yanbu.

[ThisIsMeToo]

still you shouldn't have to explain why you want to work. The fact it is important for you should be enough for your DH to want to support you.
He shouldn't want to support you only because he can get something out of it (money for example)

[quirrelquarrel]

My dad works the hours your husband does and he does loads of housework. Not as much as my SAHM (my SAHM mum? dare i risk such a blatant tautology on MN? ) but he anticipates, takes initiative and it was definitely 50/50 on the childcare when I lived at home, and my mum doesn't garden or do some other stuff.
Anyway he would have always been totally 100% supportive of my mum wanting to get a job and he would have made all efforts to prove that, including cleaning when he was tired if it were necessary.

I'd say talk to your DH and find out exactly what he means by it. If it's what it looks like then he needs a well aimed kick and a new mindset.
Hope you get a great job soon!

[Lweji]

Do tell him he has a choice.
He contributes at home, pays for a cleaner (at least half, or a percentage) or lives the life of a single man.

[Steben]

I think the problem for me is that he should have said something along lines of - ok how do we make this work - instead of saying he doesn't basically give a fig as long as his work/life isn't affected which isn't how a partnership should work.

[TheFabulousIdiot]

Christ, he should be ironing and washing his own clothes even now. What is he, some kind of incapable child? If he were working full time and didn't have a wife handy to mop up all his shit what would he do?

Fucking hell, these child men make me really angry.

[complexnumber]

So your DP is at work 12 hours a day?

That's quite a lot, give him a break

[FortyDoorsToNowhere]

I Think there is 2 seperate issues here

First is the fact that if you get a job he wouldn't support you by taking up some of the house hold chores and child care issues ( like if DC is ill it would be you taking time off work)

Second is the house work currently.

1st yanbu to expect him to shared housework and child care while both of you are working.

2nd one is debatable, IMO a sham with a school aged child has plenty of time to get a lot of the house work done, but on weekends or DP days off he should be doing his fair share.

[ThisIsMeToo]

The thing is fourty the OP has never said a real issue with the current situation. Her problem lies with your point 1 ie when she veil get back to work if he allows her

[pointyfangs]

So your DH wants you to go to work and is keen on the extra money, but doesn't want to do a share of the housework as a trade-off. And when you raise the issue, he puts you down with a nasty, flip throwaway comment. I'd be looking to get a job sooner rather than later, just so that you have some financial independence when you realise his true colours aren't good enough. You deserve better.

[oliveoctagon]

He sounds pretty lazy. This is what happens if a woman stops working though most of the time.

[saulaboutme]

Yanbu...he must be punished...

[morethanpotatoprints]

Why are you allowing him to play golf every weekend, he should be with his family as he works long hours.
Also he should either do his share of the household duties during the evening.
Show him this thread OP, tell him to wise up. because you need them.

[morethanpotatoprints]

olive

Speak for yourself, I haven't worked for many years but my dh does as much as me.

[oliveoctagon]

It is generally what happens morethan. The 1000s of threads a day on here all seem to have the same issue.

[Pumpkinnose]

Well I work at least the same hours as the OP's DH if not l

[Pumpkinnose]

Sorry!!

If not longer and do a substantial amount of housework etc so haven't got much sympathy with the posters are suggesting that the DH works long hours so shouldn't be expected to assist, even if the OP starts work again.

Whatever happened to partnership and respect? It is so sad that we are in 2013 and it feels like 1950 again

[rosieposey78]

I guess it is all about leisure time. I am a sahm to 3 dc. 2 school aged and a baby. When i had 2 at school i used to everything pretty much except diy and gardening and bill paying.
Dh expects this to continue. I am not impressed as i am on the go far more than he is and the place never looks like a showhome.
If your new job means things slide he should pick upp the slack and sorry you cannot compare volunteering to golf. One is work experience and one is a hobby.
Op it was a horrible thing for him to say.