To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

[Stillhopingstillhere]

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

olive not in this house. It is what happens if you marry and procreate with an arsehole.

OP - you've posted a fair bit over the last few years IIRC, it is the golf thing that has stuck in my head.
If you want another child with him then tbh you are making your bed. You know what he is like and yet you would go through the same process again?

SugarHut I don't know why you're holding yourself up as some kind of shining example here. You don't do anything, you have staff. All the stuff you are saying you do - social, decorating - those are nice to have extras, not the necessary grind of running a home. So you are probably the most ill-qualified person on this thread to comment on the OP's situation.

It definitely doesnt happen here. I work, dh can do everything and anything from babysit all our and my friends kids at same time, to cook, clean and remrmber everything without asking.

Ali, perhaps "sugar" just likes to have a good ole swank around the place at someone else's expense. That's the way I read it, anyway.

Ultimately, he doesn't have a veto because you are an adult.

Perhaps sugar's DH was a selfish dick first time round but has now learned the error of his ways and pointedly thanks DW2 often.

That's just funny. Sorting out the school trips, the mere logistics of internationally getting all 6 of us in the same place at the same time, liaising with 101 tradesmen, cooking, and again a lot of stuff that's no one else business is just as important and probably more time consuming as dusting and cleaning. It's a different kind of housework. And both are very important. Why do women feel the need to belittle the concept. It's a massively important job.

I would never dream of voluntarily lumbering any of this onto DP who is a wonderful, hardworking man, because I fancied upping my workload. And (in OPs case) rather than working my important role of running the house round it and cutting back my volunteer role, I cut the housework because basically it suits me better, oh and DP can just pick up the slack after his 12hr shift? How dare he say anything?

Pfffft. Seriously.

So your DP is at work 12 hours a day? That's quite a lot, give him a break

I expect that the OP also works 12 hours a day, plus evenings, and 16 hours a day over the weekend.

Who exactly needs a break?

AF that would appear to be the case!

Sugarhut, were you smoking crack when you typed this:

Person 2 now states that they would like to stop some of their existing work in order to start a different type of work. The existing work still needs doing, and so they presume Person 1 should now take on the shortfall. Person 2 is exchanging one type of work for another, gaining no extra work. Person 1 is just receiving extra work at this expense.

Of course person 2 is receiving extra work as well! They lose some housework and gain a job...how is that them not gaining extra work?

"101 tradesmen"

DH leaves the house at 6.30am. Sometimes he gets home at 6pm, sometimes an hour or two later. Whatever needs doing when he gets in we share 50/50. If he's not home till 8pm, DD will usually be tucked up in bed, the house will be tidy and I will be sitting on my arse relaxing. But if he's home at 6pm, he will help make all those things happen. And why on earth wouldn't he?

As for the golf thing, do you get equal leisure opportunities? (Sorry if that has been discussed earlier in the thread - compelled to post immediately!)

Yes, perhaps. She doesn't say she's giving up any of her volunteer work. But what you seem to be missing is that she is choosing to increase her workload, and for him to pick up the excess that she is now creating. He doesn't get any choice here, she's not increasing her working day, she's exchanging one type of work for another. He's maintaining his current (12 hours a day) workload and now just expected to lump it that he's got housework to do when he comes in, all down to her decision.

And if anyone dares point out that this is not fair to the poor man, we can fuck off back to the 1950s where our opinions belong? Grow up. It's unreasonable on him, like his contribution to the house isn't enough already.

Hire a cleaner. Practical problem solved.

YANBU to be slightly pissed off at the comment at all. Any more depends on whether it was a knee jerk reaction, easily swayed with a forthright conversation - or evidence dyed-in-the-wool chauvinism.

Is he maintaining this stance?

SugarHut, you seem to have some bizarre idea that housework is actually a job, on a par with a paid job. Which it can be, of course, but only if someone else is paying you to do it. For most of us without cleaners (and indeed with cleaners, if you include cooking and cleaning up after cooking and loading the dishwasher/washing up, and sorting the washing - all the mundane detritus of the day to day) it is something to be fitted in, on top of the real business of living.

Which is what adults, you know, do. On top of work. And in any case the OP's husband is principally able to work the hours he does - and she's said upthread he likes his career, he's not slaving away unwillingly - because she has, quite literally, cleaned up after him.

I hate bloody housework and do as little as possible but I do what I have to. As does my partner, despite his possession of a Y chromosome.

More importantly, an adult without a job is virtually at the mercy of the other working adult, or the state.
I'd recommend to any adult in a household that he or she has a job, even part-time, and so that their earning potential is not significantly damaged.
It may be that they split and don't get a massive maintenance pay or the partner dies or gets ill, or loses his/her job.

Even in some cases where it doesn't pay to work, it may be worth the cost not to lose even more money after the child care years.

My situation was reversed in that I worked and exH stayed at home (because of MH incapacity), but it would never cross my mind to bugger off for hours at the weekend to pursue a hobby and do nothing else, or just relax at home after work with no participation in household chores.

Er, yes, what I do I see as equally important to what DP does. And so does he. I couldn't even begin to do what he does, and he openly admits that he could not do my role. I put my heart and soul into making our hotch potch of households run as smoothly as possibly, and I'm proud to do it. Why people must insist on making out like it's just dross that needs to be done with a big begrudging sigh is beyond me.

It's important that someone cooks, and pays bills, files paperwork, does online banking stuff, coordinates all the things for DCs, decorates the house, does the shopping, picks up presents, goes through wardrobes and chucks out the old stuff, etc, etc, etc. It might be trivial crap to some people, but it's a hell of a lot more important than people give it credit for.

Yes, it is important. And you are lucky if your OH really considers it as important as you.
Just make sure you are financially protected.

Also, it's ok if that role fulfills you and you are happy about it. It doesn't some (most?) women and they are just as entitled to have their own jobs and career as men. Without having to pick up all the child and household duties as well.

I'm in the same boat as you, OP, and have been on a career break since DS was born 2 years ago.

I do feck all housework other than what is required to take care of DS. We have a cleaner who comes to do the bathrooms, floors, hoovering etc.

My DH still cooks dinner regularly and does his own laundry, ironing etc. He would never expect me to 'keep on top of the housework'. I would kick him in the balls if he said that to me.

My situation is slightly different in that I moved abroad with DH for his career and as I don't have a visa to work here, I sacrificed my own career prospects in doing so. Our attitude from day one was that I'm only on a career break and my main 'job' at the moment is taking care of DS.

Instead of getting on your case about housework, your DH should be supporting you and helping you out with job applications so you can get back on track with your career. He sounds like a selfish prick. A selfish prick even by 1950s standards.

Sugarhut, how about we run through a day in the life of a normal SAHM? You know, without the staff.

I'm woken up at 6 by DS (age 3) hitting me in the head with a toy or book. Have to get up right away. Put him on potty while I sort breakfast. He has breakfast. We get dressed. Spend the morning doing several loads of washing, general tidying up, and prepping evening meal.

At midday I give DS his lunch. Then I get him ready and take him to nursery, which is three hours a day. I nip to tesco, and do anything else I need to in town. Go home, do any chores I can't do around DS, like cleaning the bathroom. Then I get to sit down for half an hour if I'm lucky, and eat something. First thing I've eaten all day. Quick tidy up before I go out.

Pick DS up from nursery. Go home, check we have everything we need for evening and next morning. Start DS dinner, he eats, then get him ready for bed. Once he's in bed I tidy up again because his toys are everywhere. Cook adult dinner. Wolf it down. DP comes home, eats his. Then I do washing up. Finally get a chance to rest around 10pm. Go to bed not long after.

I get the feeling OPs day isn't too different. So when do we get leisure time?

dontgiveawaytjehomeworld- What on earth are you doing not to sit down until 10pm? I have 2 small kids, a full time job and no staff and am always sitting down about 8 at the very very latest. That includes cooking dinner, everything ironed, both kids in bed, house tidy, homework done.

If you have a 3 year old they really need to tidy up their toys themselves. Make storage simple, and dont let him get everything out and trash the place. At that age they should be helping you.

Your DH works long hours and makes enough money for you all to live on. Why should he do housework? If you go back to work you will need to get a cleaner or housekeeper.

dontgiveaway
Why are you cooking for what is a good chunk of the day? You prep the evening meal in the morning and then finish it by cooking 2 separate times in the evening? If you are using a slow cooker then obviously you would prep in the morning, but then you just leave it to cook. But otherwise surely you just sort it all out at once, and why are the three of you eating at three separate times? If DP cones home too late for the little one to wait then you should either eat with little one or with your husband.
It sound like you are making work for yourself.
The washing doesn't take long to sort out unless you have to wash it by hand. And I agree with olive that your three year old should tidy away his own toys.
Be a bit more organised and only go into town a maximum of twice a week. Make a mental note at the beginning of the week of what needs doing in town so you don't waste time making lots of trips.
Your life could be a lot simpler and more relaxed if you organised a system of not repeating stuff.

Your DH works long hours and makes enough money for you all to live on. Why should he do housework?

Because if he lived alone he would need to cook and clean as well as going to work. Working long hours does not exempt people from needing to eat, have clean clothes or a clean house.
Whilst I do think that a SAHP should take on the majority of household tasks, they shouldn't have to do it all.

I would explode if my H suggested that I'd have to do everything even if I went back to work. To be fair though, he have up on my house work abilities a long time ago.