To be slightly pissed off at this comment from dh regarding housework?

[Stillhopingstillhere]

I've been a sahm since ds was born so consequently all childcare and housework, cooking, ironing etc has been my responsibility. This is fine as dh works long hours. Anyway ds has started school now so I've started to look at going back to work. I mentioned to dh last night about a coupe of things I might apply for on top of the volunteering I'm doing at the moment. His response? As long as you can keep the house tidy and keep on top of the housework I don't mind what you do.

Aibu to think why should that be any more my job than his if we are both working?

I don't see a problem with the OP doing all of the housework if it can all be done whilst the husband is out at work. Ie at 7 the children are in bed, the housework's done and both can relax.

The bit that stands out for me is him telling her it's ok for her to get a job so long as X, Y and Z. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Ohhhhhhhh these 1950's comments get on my wick. Change the record.

Ignore one male and one female. What we have is two people living in a house with a child who is now in (presumably) full time education. Person 1 works at a place of employment. Person 2 works within the house. Person 1 works very long hours. Person 2 currently works significantly less and can be flexible about when they do things. Person 1's benefit of working is bringing money into the house. Person 2's benefit of working is keeping the house and home life in order. Both are essential and important. Person 1 doesn't have the ability or time to volunteer to do work. They do have one morning a week to enjoy a hobby. Person 2 does have time to do their work, and additionally volunteer to do other things.

Person 2 now states that they would like to stop some of their existing work in order to start a different type of work. The existing work still needs doing, and so they presume Person 1 should now take on the shortfall. Person 2 is exchanging one type of work for another, gaining no extra work. Person 1 is just receiving extra work at this expense.

Why shouldn't Person 1 be pissed off at the notion? I would be.

OP do you need the money? Does your volunteering not satisfy you? What is the motive for taking on extra work?

Don't be silly, SugarHut. You simply cannot take a discussion about housework (or, IMO, childcare) and 'de-gender' it. Women do far, far more housework than men: take a look at some of the stats. Take a look round MN at the stories of women who say they do all the housework/cooking on top of paid work.

Ok, so my dh and I have had similar conversations. He said that if I got a job it would have to cover the cost of a cleaner because he's not doing it. I was furious.....

But really he was saying
1, I haven't had to do housework and I don't want that to change.
2, I don't expect you to do everything so we'd need some paid help.
3, If you want to change the staus quo you'll have to financially pay for it.

It was clumsy but honest, I suppose.
If you want to work, work. Relationships tend to involve ongoing negotiations.

sugarhut that was entirely disingenuous - it is not a question of person 1 and person 2, (although i did note your choice of numberklatura) - but of a man assuming that a women should do all the childcare and housework, even if she is also working outside the home.

sugar your explanation is missing bits there.
1- work at home us never considered as important as work out if the house so you can't compare them like for like.
2- partner 2 wants to work out if the home do it benefits both partners and the family as a whole not just for the pleasure of partner 2.
3- partner 2 so far had NO time off from the work at home so partner 1 is working 5 days a week about 10h a day and gets time for hobbies. When partner 2 works 7 days a week, is on call 24/7 and never has time to 'relax'.
Volunteering work is still work btw.

So no in the first place, even wo the gender issue, there is a major discrepancy.

And then, you need to add that partner 1 is telling partner 2 what she can do or can't do. That partner 1 isn't even asking what partner 2 would take out from working out if the house and whether partner 1 should make an effort in order to support partner 2 in their ambitions with their career. Which is only fair as partner 1 can fulfill their ambitions thanks to partner 2 work at home.
So is partner 1 allowed to moan? NO.

But that's nonsense impty is your dh saying that he's not willing to be flexible with any changes that will make you happier and from which the family will benefit in the long term?

I call that being a selfish arse who likes things just the way they are, ie not doing the boring shit work and is therefore putting there own needs first.

Families change, they don't stay the same, your dc grow, their needs are different, which may mean more work. Is it right to say "no it wasn't like this before so you sort it to them?" Of course not and that applies to each and every member of the family or as usual there is one person picking up the slack and keeping things going forever! How is that fair?

impit the only problem with that is that it still a summed that housework us only a woman' job. And it isn't.
It is no more your responsibility to organise and pay a cleaner than it is to keep the house clean.
It us BOTH partners responsibility.

I don't think YWBU to tell him that you are getting a job and if he doesn't want to be part of the household he can leave.

But sparkly as I said on going negotiations

He was honest, I was honest. Over the last 17 years we've split the work load various ways.

I was merely pointing out that the Op's problem is not uncommon.

Omg !!!
Horrible comment!!!!

And who is in his right mind would say this in this economic climate? Unless he has a very secure job. Any normal husband would say 'great, how much extra income?' (Grin)

Exactly my point!! OP is being unreasonable, and using the fact that it is housework ("women's work" is the tone) to make is sound like he's not pulling his weight. Here starts a torrent of man bashing about housework.

It's nothing to do with that, the man works damn hard, has one morning a week to (sometimes) do a hobby, and look at everyone. "Oh, got time to swan off to golf has he??" God forbid the chap has one morning of his own social time???? Sod it that he doesn't get home until gone 7, that 4 hours of work around the house to drag out of him. What planet are people on??? ODFOD.

She has decided basically that she'd prefer to be doing something else, and as a result of this, the housework (which has been her contribution work wise thus far) won't all get done at the same time. I'm pretty sure he'd prefer to finish work at 5, so is it then perfectly fair to tell her that she needs to carry on with all her existing work, and just expect her to pick up the shortfall in earnings? No. But that's exactly what she's doing to him.

My DP lives abroad, fully supports me when I'm in the UK. I have DS in full time education. I have the chores in my house done by other people, and frankly I have all the time in the world. I sort out everything admin wise. I sort out our social stuff. I sort out DS and Step DC stuff. I get to the gym, I meet my friends, I go out for dinner, I am redecorating this house and yapping all hours of the day to tradesmen. I have to deal with the "staff" (one gardener, one housekeeper, really not that excessive) and I work occasionally in the evenings or the weekends. What I do is very important, and he works bloody hard. The very concept of me shirking some of this because I'd rather be doing something else then expecting him to pick up my slack?? Laughable, and very disrespectful to him.

And so is pulling the "Oh I'm a woman so I must do the degrading housework then???" card.

I must admit OP that my DH has no interest in doing many domestic chores.

However, he doesn't expect me to do them either so we outsource.

Ask your DH is that's what he meant .

in the real world that most of live in a second income is needed, not all of us are Russian oligarch's wives or whatever you are sugarhut,

WTAF? I'd have thrown every piece of crockery in the house at him.

I also hate his phrase 'I don't mind what you do' - oh how gracious of him to allow you to apply for some other work as long as it doesn't inconvenience him in any way. How very liberal As if he's giving you 'permission'

My DH works long hours too, but when I was on mat leave he did the ironing, helped with cleaning on weekends, cooked occasionally if he was home on time. Now that we both work (me PT, him FT and long hours) he still does ironing and about 40% of the cleaning/housework. He does the cooking at weekends, I cook in the week. I consider that to be normal.

Love dreamingbohemian Did he seriously think he was never going to have to wash a dish for the rest of his life? - exactly!

I get to the gym, I meet my friends, I go out for dinner, I am redecorating this house and yapping all hours of the day to tradesmen. I have to deal with the "staff" (one gardener, one housekeeper, really not that excessive) and I work occasionally in the evenings or the weekends

Did OP mention gym, tradesmen, having a gardener and a housekeeper doing all the drudgery????? I must have missed it.

But for some a second income is a choice. Therefore a joint decision/ negotiation.

I think it rather depends what the OP was proposing. If the OP was proposing that she went back to work full time, then the OP's husband's comment was very unreasonable. If the OP was proposing that she might do 1 day's work on top of 1 day's volunteering and have 3 days free between 9-3pm, then the comment was clumsy but not so completely unreasonable.

Without that context it's difficult to call degree of unreasonableness, using the principle of equal leisure time as the benchmark.

did you realise before you married a MSP or is this news to you?

But for some a second income is a choice. Therefore a joint decision/ negotiation.

No- it's never anyone else's choice if someone wants to work because the impact of the decision not to work is not borne jointly.

@ Russian oligarch's wife

I think it's fairly reasonable to expect a woman that doesn't work and has a child at school to do all the housework and cleaning. If didn't work I certainly wouldn't expect DH to do anything as he would be bankrolling us.

Are people deliberately overlooking the fact that the OP's child is at school ?

If you are both working and the child is at school then housework should be shared equally between you. Obviously. He's bring selfish and sexist.

Thants But that's what we don't know. The OP hasn't told us what she actually proposed. She might be applying to work 70 hours a week, or 7.

No, what is not unreasonable to expect is that a woman with a school-age child would get a paid job. Not spend her life doing the housework.