Feeling awful for turning away friend in need

[feellousy]

Name changed.

New to area have known neighbour / friend for 8 months now. She has a lot of issues in her life, and seems to lurch from one disaster to another. I have always tried to be there for her, and at times can find her very draining.

She has been with her partner for 6 years, they have a dd 4. Her partner is an alcoholic and he up until a week ago was very emotionally abusive, she was often round having a coffee saying what he had said, I have always tried to be there with a good ear and support her. She mentioned a few days ago that he seems to get into a pattern and kick her out at least every 12-18 months, full screaming in the street etc etc.

She has come round tonight in tears as he asked her to leave she said no so he opened the door and physically threw her out :(. He must of grabbed her throat at some point as that looked bruised to.

She came round and said she is fed up with the same pattern, she leaves about 2 am he sobers up a bit and then goes round her mum's banging/shouting/swearing for her to open up and see him. She then asked in the next breathe if she could sleep on my sofa. I wanted to be there as a friend but DH heard and said "Look sorry I can sympathize with your situation, but I need to think of my kids" they are 6 m, 3 y and 7 y.

She was tearful said ok she understood and I then drove her to her mums, who said I did the right thing as this is a habit, she has begged her to leave him, but she always goes back and if her mum says anything she wont speak to her mum or let her see her dd for months.

Her dp is really a horrible piece of work and very intimidating, I think I know deep down I did the right thing, but why do I feel so shitty.

Just a little update, I arrived at her mums to take her shopping, she wasn't there, her mum said she had gone round to see her "p" her mum said I seemed like a nice girl and not to let her daughter suck me into her world.

Not heard anything from her since.

Take the mothers advice!

As harsh as it seems, she knows her daughter best and in your position, I wouldn't be touching the situation with a barge pole.

For whatever reason, she can't/won't leave her abusive partner - you can't do it for her.

I'd sever ties before you get sucked in any further.

Harsh but true.

Her mother is probably right.

She does have her mother, so I'd keep her at arms length too as best you can. Keep an eye out for the little girl though & report them to SS if you think it's best.

Protecting a child from a drunken parent is one thing, but a co-dependent partner is a whole different ball game. No comparison.

If she text her partner to inform him of her whereabouts, you can be sure she would have done the same if she'd stayed with you.

If you'd let her stay you'd have unwittingly become part of her 'routine' and it would have been much harder to put an end to it once you realised that.

If she normally flees to her Mum, she was unfair asking you to become involved, especially if her daughter was already staying there.

You can be sure the partner turning up at the Mum's house wouldn't have been the first (and won't be the last) time, she would have known how the cards are dealt.

There is no doubt you took the wisest choice for everyone involved.

I feel very sorry for you for being involved in her mess, tbh.

Your DH did absolutely the right thing in refusing to let her stay, and you did the right thing in taking her to her Mum's, so you have nothing to feel guilty for.

However - she is in the classic abuse position, and she isn't going to get herself or her DD out of it, so your best bet now is to try and disentangle yourself from her situation if you can, because as you've said, if her DP gets you on his radar, your life could become quite difficult.

I personally think she is crazy to stay with a loser like him, but until SHE sees that, or gets over her "but I lurrrve him" bollocks, nothing is going to change. I feel very sorry for the DD too - what horrors must she be experiencing, living there! Another generation being brought up to think this kind of behaviour is somehow acceptable - tragic. :(

Whoever shopped her to the SS wasn't trying to be "vicious", I'm sure - I would imagine they were rightly concerned for the little girl's safety in that house. :(

Because you are a nice person your DH has done the right thing

Still call 101 chances are there's a history

I'd like to add my voice to those saying you did the best thing you could in the circumstances, and that the mother's opinion validates that.

It shows you have a good and caring nature that you have doubted yourself, but you needn't, really. You did a good thing.

I am still racked by self-doubt and loathing over a similar situation that happened nearly twenty years ago: My mother was in the throes of breaking up with my father and ran away from him, and came to stay with me at my student digs. I told her that I would have to tell my father she was there, and that made her stay untenable. So she went back to him. I was trying to be fair to my father. God knows why, when he was such a cunt to my mother. But I felt I couldn't be seen to take sides in their dysfunctional relationship, regardless of my horrible relationship with dad. Mum completely understood, but I still feel like a shit about it to this day.

Poor little girl, she has no choice in this situation and two parents who don't seem to love her enough.

Your kids don't need to be involved in that crazy.

We would have done the same, and I would have felt terrible as well.

But quite frankly I care about my kids more than about my friends.

You did the right thing.
I would never ever put my children in the situation either.
She had a place to go, you took her there, her dd was there.

I have experience of this sort and can only say don't feel guilty. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
She probably didn't want to go to her mums because she would be told again and again to leave him.
Give her WA number and keep an eye out for the daughter. It's likely that her father beats her too (or will be soon, when she starts to answer back).

I cannot believe you get guilt tripped here. Have you ever been in a situation where a drunk & violent person turns up at your doorstep and threatens you and your family? It scares the shit out of adults, never mind little children.

I would've let her stay if she was going to call the police otherwise I would've done the same as you OP.

Just found the whole thing draining, to top it off she has put on facebook a photo with the biggest bunch of flowers, tagged her "p" in it with a big gushing thank-you and what has she done to deserve much a wonderful bunch of flowers :(

Will definitely distance myself felt quite emotional this weekend because of it.

feelousy you must be knackered relationships like your friends is often said to be passionate or fiery where in fact he is just battering her which is tragic, The thing is with helping people is you need to first and foremost keep yourself and your family emotionally and physically safe I hope you are ok don't feel bad about this you did what you had to

I agree Mrs jay, and as I said earlier I will help anyone who needs it but only if they want proper help to leave as I don't want trouble at my doorstep. I've learned the hard way unfortunately. You did the right thing imo.

i think people have been in the OPpostion with people not just with DV but getting over involved and really trying to help you do learn to distance yourself from that while helping where you can

I got sucked into a similar drama with a friend years ago. She would turn up at my house at all hours, this got to become 3 or 4 nights a week. Eventually she told me she would never let me treat her the way she treated me, and that she had absolutely no intention of helping herself.

She is now in a bad situation with her H. And I am not there for her. She has told me she knows what she has done to me. But tough shit as far as I'm concerned, not my problem.

I am quite clear with her, all I did was enable her drama, and it did no good at all. I felt used and eventually just sucked dry.

And she's a social worker now wtf

thats the thing it sucks the life out of you and how are you supposed to help somebody when they need you if you are so exhausted by the drama,

call 101 and inform the police. so there is a record. they might send a dv officer round to talk to her. explain what help is available.

grand mother already invovled so if ss get involved they can ask GM to take child if it comes to that.

When you finally detach, it's a great feeling. I avoid my friend, have blocked her on my phone and Facebook, it is just not my problem. And she says herself she is actually not even that bothered. She is addicted to drama, and so is your friend.

Would she do this for you? Would she help you in a similar situation? Highly unlikely. Totally selfish.

There's also a difference between a horrible/ nasty/dangerous situation that you need help to get out of and 'drama' ime.

She sounds like such a drain, sucking the emotion out of you and leaving you exhausted from worry for her.

I agree valium