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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling awful for turning away friend in need

106 replies

feellousy · 11/10/2013 23:07

Name changed.

New to area have known neighbour / friend for 8 months now. She has a lot of issues in her life, and seems to lurch from one disaster to another. I have always tried to be there for her, and at times can find her very draining.

She has been with her partner for 6 years, they have a dd 4. Her partner is an alcoholic and he up until a week ago was very emotionally abusive, she was often round having a coffee saying what he had said, I have always tried to be there with a good ear and support her. She mentioned a few days ago that he seems to get into a pattern and kick her out at least every 12-18 months, full screaming in the street etc etc.

She has come round tonight in tears as he asked her to leave she said no so he opened the door and physically threw her out :(. He must of grabbed her throat at some point as that looked bruised to.

She came round and said she is fed up with the same pattern, she leaves about 2 am he sobers up a bit and then goes round her mum's banging/shouting/swearing for her to open up and see him. She then asked in the next breathe if she could sleep on my sofa. I wanted to be there as a friend but DH heard and said "Look sorry I can sympathize with your situation, but I need to think of my kids" they are 6 m, 3 y and 7 y.

She was tearful said ok she understood and I then drove her to her mums, who said I did the right thing as this is a habit, she has begged her to leave him, but she always goes back and if her mum says anything she wont speak to her mum or let her see her dd for months.

Her dp is really a horrible piece of work and very intimidating, I think I know deep down I did the right thing, but why do I feel so shitty.

OP posts:
PlatinumStart · 12/10/2013 08:58

I think what saddens me most is that the rationale for turn

PlatinumStart · 12/10/2013 09:00

I think what saddens me most is that the rationale for turning her away was not that it would "enable" her but rather your husband didn't want her causing you problems. That really saddens me

RedHelenB · 12/10/2013 09:13

Op helped by driving her to a safe place 7 listening to her - can we lay off the guilt trips please!

flippinada · 12/10/2013 09:26

OP did not callously turn her away, she listened to her and took her to her mums.

How about forcing all that self righteous anger onto her abuser and not someone who has been there and tried to help?

flippinada · 12/10/2013 09:27

turning, not forcing.

emuloc · 12/10/2013 09:29

You did not leave her in the street You took her to her mums so you did the right thing.

DrCoconut · 12/10/2013 09:40

I escaped an abusive relationship myself. A few years later I helped my neighbour escape her violent partner, I heard him shouting and throwing her downstairs Hmm bizarrely it was her brother who was best mates with the bloke who came hammering on my door giving me abuse. It was awful for a while and I phoned the police on more than one occasion but gradually they gave up and he moved out. It's hard to advise someone to invite trouble to their home but I would probably be dead now if my friend hadn't helped me. She took me to my mums with DS1 I didn't stay at hers. That was fine.

Editededition · 12/10/2013 10:15

Platinum -it is possible that he has previous experience of becoming inadvertently involved in a situation because of giving a helping hand. Sadly, being a good samaritan can have devastating longer term repercussions. It is not wrong to think of possible consequences for your family. I wish I had, when I was 'helpful' to an acquaintance, many years ago.
It would not preclude me helping someone again, but in this instance there was a clear and safe alternative which the OP facilitated, and which was safer all round.

MammaTJ · 12/10/2013 11:21

You drove her to a plce of safety, you kept your own DC safe/out of it, you totally did the right thing.

Original poster
feellousy · 12/10/2013 11:48

Spoke to my friend this morning, her "p" turned up at 4 am hammering on her mums door, I asked how he knew she was there and she admitted to texting him telling him she hoped he calmed down and she was at her mums when he was calm and ready to talk.

I mentioned again I felt awful last night and she said in the cold light of day I did the right thing for my kids, I replied and I hope you do for yours. Still feel desperately sorry for her. Going to take her shopping later so she can stock up on some items.

OP posts:
Canthisonebeused · 12/10/2013 11:55

I just do t see that you turned her away, you helped and supported her to go to a safe place OP.

I was in similar situation with a friend, difference is she was best black and blue bitten and worse and turned up with her 3 children 8 yr dd and 5 week twins. Turned up in a taxi from a different town in middle of night. I allowed her to stay that night. However I did insist this was on the condition she goes to police the next day.

She did but her resentment turned on me when she realised the police were going ahead to press charges on him despite her retracting her statement.

Unfortunately it all got very very messy all round and myself and 4 year old were dragged into a very upsetting situation. I contacted her ex husband to collect her 8 year old dd as sadly she was placing them all at risk.

She did not forgive me for when later unfolded with her staying in a refuge and with her twin babies. Despite the fact she was found a very safe property 2 days later but she never went there she returned to her abusive partner.

I did what I could to help but it served no purpose for anyone other than the dcs immediate safety. So OP in your situation so long as her dd is immediately safe I would keep a safe distance from involving your dcs in such a situation and do what you can to help her find a place of safety like her mums.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 12/10/2013 12:00

Feellousy

I would have let her stay - but - I actually think your DH was right and that you did the right thing taking her to her Mum's, for several reasons.

I actually think, given that this is an ongoing problem (rinse & repeat) that you are probably giving too much of yourself to this friend/neighbour, especially when you have severe anxiety anyway. It cannot be good for you to be using up so much energy.

She has her Mum and I think she is (understandably) probably better at the 'tough love' than you are.

My advice would be to slowly withdraw from her a lot and when you do talk to her and she mentions his behaviour, reiterate that it's not a good environment for either her, or her daughter and that if she wanted to go to the police you would support her (if you want to say that), basically keep encouraging her to get out when she mentions him.

If it's really bad, when the DD is there, I'd call the police or SS.

RedHelenB · 12/10/2013 12:43

Well if she's texting him it seems to me that she is enjoying the drama - nothing you can do about that I'm afraid.

ILoveMakeUp · 12/10/2013 12:48

Jeez, what is wrong with the woman? She should put her child first.

lagoonhaze · 12/10/2013 12:54

Ring social services and air concerns every time you know of an incident

DontPanicMrMannering · 12/10/2013 13:06

You did the right thing you helped without endangering your own children.

It's ok for people to say you could have let her stay then called the police but that would still mean your children woken to the sound of sirens and shouting, still meant you stepping out of your home every time in trepidation because he might be waiting, your kids picking up on your fear.

They have a right to feel safe.

mrsjay · 12/10/2013 13:14

I think you did the right thing you havn't really known this woman that long and she is unloading onto you and then turning up at your door yes it is terrible what is happening to her you didn't turn her out on the street you took her to her mums, if you let her stay once she will always want to stay you are her friend and you sound a lovely friend but this has been going on years and she goes back and forth I wouldn't want to be involved in that either,

Alanna1 · 12/10/2013 15:12

I've not read all the above but can you keep a diary of what she tells you and what you see and hear. Bearing in mind it may be evidence one day. And you too can call police.

zatyaballerina · 12/10/2013 15:38

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, nothing will make her leave him until she's ready, until then she'll continue with this cycle of inflicting his aggressive, threatening and abusive self on her poor mother and daughter. Your husband was absolutely right not to let her drag your children into it.

You have to protect your own family, she is an adult who suffers her own bad choices, it's horrible enough for her daughter and mother have to suffer them too. Reserve your sympathies for them, particularly for the little girl who is entirely at the mercy of these selfish bastards. And call social services until they listen, somebody needs to protect this child.

Serendipity30 · 12/10/2013 15:47

The OP did the right thing for her and her family and still supported her friend. A neighbour once eat up his girlfriend and she ran to my door and knocked at 4am in the morning. I listened to her and called the police straight away. They have since split up, which is good for her but guess what, this loser has continued to harrass and intimidate me since the incident and the police say they cant do anything. I had a two year old DD at the time who was petrified. There is nothing wrong with helping someone but it should be in a safe way that wont bring harm to your children or yourself. The people trying to make the OP feel guilty can fuck off to the end of fuck.

Serendipity30 · 12/10/2013 15:48

beat up not eat up

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2013 16:07

You didn't turn her away, you gave her help and support. You did the right thing.

PumpkinGuts · 12/10/2013 16:23

Op has made it clear that she took her somewhere safe and that the woman often turns on her mother for getting involved! Why would the situation be improved by her staying 3 houses down from her abuser that she was likely to call or go to or worse let in the house?

Its extremely difficult sometimes because I hate to blame victim but as a survivor of childhood domestic violence my mother enabled my abuse (and my seeing her abuse) most certainly because she didn't want to be alone.
Other avenues were available as they are to this woman

PumpkinGuts · 12/10/2013 16:35

Also to poster who took in a child victim, that's an amazing thing to do an I absolutely would do same in that circumstance. iBut its a very different dynamic too

greenbananas · 12/10/2013 18:19

Those of you who are saying you would have let her stay - have you actually been in this position before? I have, and I know how draining (and downright dangerous) it can be. The op is absolutely RIGHT to put safe walls around herself and her family. That way, she will continue to have the strength to support her neighbour.

Op, well done for taking her shopping, but be careful that you are not enabling a nightmare situation to continue. Also, your neighbour won't thank you in the long run for taking the whole burden off her shoulders - you need to be encouraging her to take positive action herself.

How you are okay... this kind of thing is so upsetting.