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AIBU?

Feeling awful for turning away friend in need

106 replies

feellousy · 11/10/2013 23:07

Name changed.

New to area have known neighbour / friend for 8 months now. She has a lot of issues in her life, and seems to lurch from one disaster to another. I have always tried to be there for her, and at times can find her very draining.

She has been with her partner for 6 years, they have a dd 4. Her partner is an alcoholic and he up until a week ago was very emotionally abusive, she was often round having a coffee saying what he had said, I have always tried to be there with a good ear and support her. She mentioned a few days ago that he seems to get into a pattern and kick her out at least every 12-18 months, full screaming in the street etc etc.

She has come round tonight in tears as he asked her to leave she said no so he opened the door and physically threw her out :(. He must of grabbed her throat at some point as that looked bruised to.

She came round and said she is fed up with the same pattern, she leaves about 2 am he sobers up a bit and then goes round her mum's banging/shouting/swearing for her to open up and see him. She then asked in the next breathe if she could sleep on my sofa. I wanted to be there as a friend but DH heard and said "Look sorry I can sympathize with your situation, but I need to think of my kids" they are 6 m, 3 y and 7 y.

She was tearful said ok she understood and I then drove her to her mums, who said I did the right thing as this is a habit, she has begged her to leave him, but she always goes back and if her mum says anything she wont speak to her mum or let her see her dd for months.

Her dp is really a horrible piece of work and very intimidating, I think I know deep down I did the right thing, but why do I feel so shitty.

OP posts:

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jakerat · 14/10/2013 21:31

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moralimbecile · 14/10/2013 20:15

If this happened to me again i would call the police when my friend arrived on my doorstep. That would sort out the dv issue, separate any drama from a real problem, and enforce a strict boundary that would never be crossed again.

Result, regardless of the real situation.

moralimbecile · 14/10/2013 20:10

I have a great deal of sympathy for victims of dv. But not drama, and as mentioned upthread, there is a distinct difference.

moralimbecile · 14/10/2013 20:05

I have a great deal of sympathy for victims of dv. But not drama, and as mentioned upthread, there is a distinct difference.

flippinada · 14/10/2013 17:35

Jakerat that sounds awful and I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. Well done you getting away.

flippinada · 14/10/2013 17:32

Coming back to this thread, I am saddened but not surprised to hear how this has played out.

I had a friend much like the woman you describe feellousy. I absolutely wrung myself out trying to support her, and her child (draining late night phonecalls, sorting out problems, putting her and DC up, helping her move house, acting as an unpaid counsellor you name it, I did it). To cut a very long and upsetting story short I ended up contacting social services because her DC was physically abused by her partner.

We are, unsurprisingly, no longer in contact but I'll never forget and never stop wondering about how her DC is doing so I sympathise with you. Others have said you have to look after yourself or you can't be a support to anyone else and that's very true.

I hope this reinforces for you that you did the right thing.

Jakerat · 14/10/2013 17:13

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Jakerat · 14/10/2013 17:09

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mrsjay · 14/10/2013 16:41

I agree valium

moldingsunbeams · 14/10/2013 16:40

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cees · 14/10/2013 16:38

She sounds like such a drain, sucking the emotion out of you and leaving you exhausted from worry for her.

valiumredhead · 14/10/2013 16:38

There's also a difference between a horrible/ nasty/dangerous situation that you need help to get out of and 'drama' ime.

moralimbecile · 14/10/2013 16:25

When you finally detach, it's a great feeling. I avoid my friend, have blocked her on my phone and Facebook, it is just not my problem. And she says herself she is actually not even that bothered. She is addicted to drama, and so is your friend.

Would she do this for you? Would she help you in a similar situation? Highly unlikely. Totally selfish.

cestlavielife · 14/10/2013 16:13

call 101 and inform the police. so there is a record. they might send a dv officer round to talk to her. explain what help is available.

grand mother already invovled so if ss get involved they can ask GM to take child if it comes to that.

mrsjay · 14/10/2013 16:11

thats the thing it sucks the life out of you and how are you supposed to help somebody when they need you if you are so exhausted by the drama,

moralimbecile · 14/10/2013 16:07

And she's a social worker now wtf

moralimbecile · 14/10/2013 16:05

I got sucked into a similar drama with a friend years ago. She would turn up at my house at all hours, this got to become 3 or 4 nights a week. Eventually she told me she would never let me treat her the way she treated me, and that she had absolutely no intention of helping herself.

She is now in a bad situation with her H. And I am not there for her. She has told me she knows what she has done to me. But tough shit as far as I'm concerned, not my problem.

I am quite clear with her, all I did was enable her drama, and it did no good at all. I felt used and eventually just sucked dry.

mrsjay · 14/10/2013 16:03

i think people have been in the OPpostion with people not just with DV but getting over involved and really trying to help you do learn to distance yourself from that while helping where you can

valiumredhead · 14/10/2013 16:01

I agree Mrs jay, and as I said earlier I will help anyone who needs it but only if they want proper help to leave as I don't want trouble at my doorstep. I've learned the hard way unfortunately. You did the right thing imo.

mrsjay · 14/10/2013 15:47

feelousy you must be knackered relationships like your friends is often said to be passionate or fiery where in fact he is just battering her which is tragic, The thing is with helping people is you need to first and foremost keep yourself and your family emotionally and physically safe I hope you are ok don't feel bad about this you did what you had to

feellousy · 14/10/2013 15:03

Just found the whole thing draining, to top it off she has put on facebook a photo with the biggest bunch of flowers, tagged her "p" in it with a big gushing thank-you and what has she done to deserve much a wonderful bunch of flowers :(

Will definitely distance myself felt quite emotional this weekend because of it.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 14/10/2013 07:21

I would've let her stay if she was going to call the police otherwise I would've done the same as you OP.

MrsZimt · 14/10/2013 06:48

You did the right thing.
I would never ever put my children in the situation either.
She had a place to go, you took her there, her dd was there.

I have experience of this sort and can only say don't feel guilty. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
She probably didn't want to go to her mums because she would be told again and again to leave him.
Give her WA number and keep an eye out for the daughter. It's likely that her father beats her too (or will be soon, when she starts to answer back).

I cannot believe you get guilt tripped here. Have you ever been in a situation where a drunk & violent person turns up at your doorstep and threatens you and your family? It scares the shit out of adults, never mind little children.

Morloth · 14/10/2013 06:03

Poor little girl, she has no choice in this situation and two parents who don't seem to love her enough.

Your kids don't need to be involved in that crazy.

We would have done the same, and I would have felt terrible as well.

But quite frankly I care about my kids more than about my friends.

CharityFunDay · 14/10/2013 05:09

I'd like to add my voice to those saying you did the best thing you could in the circumstances, and that the mother's opinion validates that.

It shows you have a good and caring nature that you have doubted yourself, but you needn't, really. You did a good thing.

I am still racked by self-doubt and loathing over a similar situation that happened nearly twenty years ago: My mother was in the throes of breaking up with my father and ran away from him, and came to stay with me at my student digs. I told her that I would have to tell my father she was there, and that made her stay untenable. So she went back to him. I was trying to be fair to my father. God knows why, when he was such a cunt to my mother. But I felt I couldn't be seen to take sides in their dysfunctional relationship, regardless of my horrible relationship with dad. Mum completely understood, but I still feel like a shit about it to this day.

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