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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling awful for turning away friend in need

106 replies

feellousy · 11/10/2013 23:07

Name changed.

New to area have known neighbour / friend for 8 months now. She has a lot of issues in her life, and seems to lurch from one disaster to another. I have always tried to be there for her, and at times can find her very draining.

She has been with her partner for 6 years, they have a dd 4. Her partner is an alcoholic and he up until a week ago was very emotionally abusive, she was often round having a coffee saying what he had said, I have always tried to be there with a good ear and support her. She mentioned a few days ago that he seems to get into a pattern and kick her out at least every 12-18 months, full screaming in the street etc etc.

She has come round tonight in tears as he asked her to leave she said no so he opened the door and physically threw her out :(. He must of grabbed her throat at some point as that looked bruised to.

She came round and said she is fed up with the same pattern, she leaves about 2 am he sobers up a bit and then goes round her mum's banging/shouting/swearing for her to open up and see him. She then asked in the next breathe if she could sleep on my sofa. I wanted to be there as a friend but DH heard and said "Look sorry I can sympathize with your situation, but I need to think of my kids" they are 6 m, 3 y and 7 y.

She was tearful said ok she understood and I then drove her to her mums, who said I did the right thing as this is a habit, she has begged her to leave him, but she always goes back and if her mum says anything she wont speak to her mum or let her see her dd for months.

Her dp is really a horrible piece of work and very intimidating, I think I know deep down I did the right thing, but why do I feel so shitty.

OP posts:

ILoveMakeUp · 12/10/2013 04:38

AndYouCanDance, so you think she is putting her DD's needs first by staying with this man? Or do you think she should not put her DD's needs first?

AndYouCanDance · 12/10/2013 04:40

I think she is in a terrible situation and possibly needs help to get out of it.

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 04:45

Knowing these things how?

The 7 YO would be asleep presumably?

At that age it's entirely appropriate to shield them from how shit life can be.

Saying that doesn't rule me out of helping anyone in any situation because I can't be arsed because that would be ridiculous

But I am saying that if the DC are up because of the drama the friend has brought into the house, then I would choose my DC over the friend every single time.

She's an adult, and as their parent I would protect them with my life if needs be, and as over dramatic as that might be, it means it'd be an easy choice to make if someone knew a violent man would follow them and they came to my door knowing my children were in the house. Police, hospital, her parents, why choose the OP?

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 04:54

The OP's tried to help and has given her lots of support and shoulders to cry on AndYou, but the friend has decided that this man is the man for her.

That's entirely her choice, and it's never as straightforward as I've made it out to be when it involves probably EA and definitely violence, but you can't get away from the stark reality that the friend hasn't just chosen this for herself, she's chosen it for her DD and indirectly for the OP.

I can't believe you think the OP should therefore choose it for her children too!

How much influence do you think this man should have?

AndYouCanDance · 12/10/2013 04:59

Look, I cannot be arsed arguing with you all day. I completely disagree and obviously you have made your mind up too Agent.

I really think it is very sad that this woman was (in the OP's words) 'turned away'.
Sometimes we all need a little help.

AgentZigzag · 12/10/2013 05:07

Giving someone a 'little help' is not the same as adults pretending it's OK for this wanker to be around small children.

You wouldn't want him around your children AndYou, whatever you say, and if you say you're not fussed, one situation in reality when there's an alcoholic man taking his anger out on someone you love would put you right off.

ILoveMakeUp · 12/10/2013 05:15

Sometimes we all need a little help.

There is a difference between 'a little help' and 'enabling'.

AndYouCanDance · 12/10/2013 05:15

I guess we all have different opinions on what doing 'the right thing' is.

But we have taken in the teenage child of an alcoholic bully Agent so I have had experience of this. He stayed with us for three months and I had very young children then.

We never saw the father. He was a bully and a coward.

CharityFunDay · 12/10/2013 05:28

OP you didn't turn away a friend in need. You did the best thing you could have done, even though you might not believe that yourself at the moment. Even your friend's mum said so. Rest easy.

EmmaBemma · 12/10/2013 05:29

I would have let her in, and I'm surprised so many of you wouldn't.

Editededition · 12/10/2013 06:47

Have just read this through, and am surprised by all the comments saying that the OP "sent her away". Actually, they advised that staying with them was not an option but drove her to a place of safety where she has family support and her situation is known and understood. That is not sending her away, and is a supportive stance.

I actually think your husband made the right call in this instance - given the details. This was not someone who has finally had the courage to escape after living with violence for years, it is a repeated pattern of which many people around her are aware, and which this poor lady is choosing to return each time. The potential to become a weekly refuge is huge, and that is simply not a situation which anyone would benefit from. Least of all the woman concerned.
This still would not have made me refuse, personally, were it not for the fact that she has close supportive family who do handle her circumstances regularly - to whom you were able to take her.

I wonder if her request to stay with you was rooted in knowing that her mother would raise an oft repeated argument that she needs to leave.
She does! Extending her options to remain in the abusive cycle, by facilitating an overnight stay with a neighbour every time it happens, is not actually helping her (or her child) at all.

I would also echo the poster who suggested handing her a phone, next time, and telling her to call the police and WA.

PlatinumStart · 12/10/2013 06:54

I'd have let her stay.

I'm actually shocked people see that is enabling - surely it's just helping a friend in need.

TheCrumpetQueen · 12/10/2013 07:34

Good for your dh for saying that. My partner wouldve totally obliged (can't say no to anyone people pleaser). Hope she sorts her situation out for her dds sake.

HouseOfGingerbread · 12/10/2013 07:52

With respect, AndYou, the situation you describe is very different - you never saw the father, and it was probably clear from the outset that would be the case. You were able to do a very good and kind thing.

In the OP's situation it is clearly inevitable that the husband will turn up shouting and swearing. So she did the right thing for her family, and took her friend to a different, but equally safe, place.

Howsuper · 12/10/2013 08:03

Wow a real tough one. Sorry you are left feeling anxious and guilty, OP. I would feel the same and actually had a similar situation recently but with a friend with mental illness.

I think the decision that you and your dh made was, well, the decision you made. It's not right or wrong. You weighed up the situation and took action in the way that you felt was best for you and your family and for her at that moment in time.

Don't beat yourself up.

Original poster

feellousy · 12/10/2013 08:25

Thanks for your replies.

Had a terrible nights sleep, but feel this morning that i/we did the right thing.

She has told me before that she can only seem to manage to keep friends for a short period before they leave her.

When she was here she say crying saying what should I do, I said its not my decision to make, but ask yourself if your DD was in that relationship when she was older what would you tell her. She said Leave him, but I love him....

I told her she should get herself looked at and should take photo's of the injuries, she said NO!!!, I feel she wanted to stay here because she has exhausted all other avenues regarding family, (apart from her mum).

I myself suffer severe anxiety and panic attacks, and need to use a lot of my energy to deal with my situation.

andyoucandance, no my DH being here would not stop him from coming, there is a massive size disadvantage and when he has had his drink and probably other substances then logic will not come into it. He is well known to the police, but nothing ever seems to stick. It is his house and living 3 doors down the road I certainly do not want to get on his radar. I have heard a lot of stories from my friend about how so and so have pissed him off and what he has done.

She also told me about 18 months ago an old friend shopped her to social services to be vicious, they came did a visit and no further action was being taken.

I feel desperately sorry for the situation she is in, and will be there at the end of the phone this weekend for her, but even her mum said she will be back with him by Monday morning, everything will be rosy for a few months then it will start to fall apart and then repeat.

OP posts:

AndYouCanDance · 12/10/2013 08:25

HouseOfGingerbread we never saw the father AFTER the boy moved in with us. Prior to that we would see him often (school) and we were advised by the social workers not to let him know our address due to his violence. But please do carry on making assumptions.

I am genuinely saddened by the number of people who would not allow a victim of domestic violence to sleep on their couch for one night.

Original poster

feellousy · 12/10/2013 08:32

Youcandance, I could see your point if I shut the door and said bye not helping, I did not I took her to her mums.

OP posts:

iwantanafternoonnap · 12/10/2013 08:34

I would have let her stay but would have told her the minute I hear him banging on the door the police will called and so will social services and that I refuse to watch/be part of such a dire situation.

However, I am a fiesty person that feels quite strongly about things and would refuse to be intimidated by such a twat. Not everyone is like me, not everyone feels comfortable and able to deal with such arseholes. The OP made a decision based on her own, very justified, feelings and also made the sure her neighbour was safe.

OP I am sure this woman has heard all the 'you must leave' stuff before and thats why she loses friends because they get fed up of her drama and that unwillingness to change her life. If I was you I would get hold of the numbers for the local DV services e.g. RISE and give them to her.

HouseOfGingerbread · 12/10/2013 08:36

Fair enough AndYou. As I say, I think you did a very good thing, and I would now add that it was a brave thing. But not every situation is the same. I doubt the OP would have turned her friend away with nowhere else to go - I hope most people wouldn't. But being sympathetic then taking her to a different safe place really isn't turning her away.

Jinty64 · 12/10/2013 08:40

You did the right thing OP. she won't have wanted to go to her Mum because it means that she knows it has happened again and her Mum will want her to leave but it is as well that her Mum knows especially with the DD to think of.

ExcuseTypos · 12/10/2013 08:42

Did he know she was at your house?

Hissy · 12/10/2013 08:43

Me too AndYou, me too.

This woman is typical of many DV victims, and pretty much EVERYONE one this pitiful thread has judged and backslapped for 'doing the right thing'

Doing the right thing *for yourself' is not the same thing necessarily as 'doing the right thing'

It fucks me off that DV victims are looked as as pond scum, blamed for their choices, and punished for thé often years of high grade emotional devastation wrought upon them by their abusers.

One day hopefully she will see a way out. Perhaps by seeing what a normal, loving family looks like. This is not her fault, it really isn't.'

Still, she's safe with her mum. At least someone's there for her. Most DV victims have no-one, as their parents are thé ones that train them for DV vulnerability in thé first place.

Chippednailvarnish · 12/10/2013 08:45

There is a very good reason why the locations of domestic violence refuges are a closely guarded secret and men are generally barred...

pictish · 12/10/2013 08:53

Ilovemakeup - well aren't you just all heart and awareness?

Anyway - poor woman. I wouldn't be intimidated by this arsehole either. I would have let her sleep on the sofa, knowing that any approach from the prick would result in a swift 999 call.

She is following the script of a woman trapped in a domestic abuse situation, who has been manipulated to within an inch of her life.

I can understand why you did what you did though OP. x

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