Feeling awful for turning away friend in need

[feellousy]

Name changed.

New to area have known neighbour / friend for 8 months now. She has a lot of issues in her life, and seems to lurch from one disaster to another. I have always tried to be there for her, and at times can find her very draining.

She has been with her partner for 6 years, they have a dd 4. Her partner is an alcoholic and he up until a week ago was very emotionally abusive, she was often round having a coffee saying what he had said, I have always tried to be there with a good ear and support her. She mentioned a few days ago that he seems to get into a pattern and kick her out at least every 12-18 months, full screaming in the street etc etc.

She has come round tonight in tears as he asked her to leave she said no so he opened the door and physically threw her out :(. He must of grabbed her throat at some point as that looked bruised to.

She came round and said she is fed up with the same pattern, she leaves about 2 am he sobers up a bit and then goes round her mum's banging/shouting/swearing for her to open up and see him. She then asked in the next breathe if she could sleep on my sofa. I wanted to be there as a friend but DH heard and said "Look sorry I can sympathize with your situation, but I need to think of my kids" they are 6 m, 3 y and 7 y.

She was tearful said ok she understood and I then drove her to her mums, who said I did the right thing as this is a habit, she has begged her to leave him, but she always goes back and if her mum says anything she wont speak to her mum or let her see her dd for months.

Her dp is really a horrible piece of work and very intimidating, I think I know deep down I did the right thing, but why do I feel so shitty.

[flippinada]

Coming back to this thread, I am saddened but not surprised to hear how this has played out.

I had a friend much like the woman you describe feellousy. I absolutely wrung myself out trying to support her, and her child (draining late night phonecalls, sorting out problems, putting her and DC up, helping her move house, acting as an unpaid counsellor you name it, I did it). To cut a very long and upsetting story short I ended up contacting social services because her DC was physically abused by her partner.

We are, unsurprisingly, no longer in contact but I'll never forget and never stop wondering about how her DC is doing so I sympathise with you. Others have said you have to look after yourself or you can't be a support to anyone else and that's very true.

I hope this reinforces for you that you did the right thing.

[flippinada]

Jakerat that sounds awful and I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. Well done you getting away.

[moralimbecile]

I have a great deal of sympathy for victims of dv. But not drama, and as mentioned upthread, there is a distinct difference.

[moralimbecile]

I have a great deal of sympathy for victims of dv. But not drama, and as mentioned upthread, there is a distinct difference.

[moralimbecile]

If this happened to me again i would call the police when my friend arrived on my doorstep. That would sort out the dv issue, separate any drama from a real problem, and enforce a strict boundary that would never be crossed again.

Result, regardless of the real situation.