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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU? Asking school to not use Mr and Mrs. R Bonkers

293 replies

bonkersLFDT20 · 09/10/2013 11:10

Got a letter from DS1's secondary school.
It was addressed to Mr and Mrs R Bonkers
R is my husband's initial.

I've just written to them suggesting they use more a more modern way to address parents e.g Mr and Mrs Bonkers or Mr R. Bonkers & Mrs M Bonkers.

WIBU?

OP posts:

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 09/10/2013 12:09

I just assumed if you had changed your name to his then it is the correct way to address you jointly. Who decided and when this was no longer the way to do it, I don't really understand the problem.

FWIW I would not particularly like to be Mrs then my DHs initial and surname but then I have never ever seen anyone addressed like that anyway.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 09/10/2013 12:16

Lots of women decided it was no longer the right way to address a married woman, because it's belittling and insulting. Sorry, insulting to lots, but not all women, some of whom inexplicably like losing their entire name and identity on marriage, and being addressed as an appendage of their husband. Whatevs.

QuietNinjaTardis · 09/10/2013 12:22

Bollocks to all this you changed your surname so put up with it bullshit. I changed my surname not my first name so I expect to be addressed as the correct name. My first name is not and never will be the same as my husbands. And changing my surname does not mean I'm not a feminist.

sashh · 09/10/2013 12:24

But you are Mrs R Bonkers, Mrs M Bonkers alone would indicate you are divorced. Mr R and Mrs M indicates you are your husband's mother.

In the same way that Georgia Moffett is also Mrs David Tennant. Insert any celebrity married couples you choose.

Yes it is archaic, yes it is not very modern but that is the way it is.

There is a reason it is called 'taking you husband's name' and not taking your husband's family name.

QuietNinjaTardis · 09/10/2013 12:25

And Burberry giving up your surname does not make you an addition to your husband. What a ridiculous thing to say as well as insulting. Get a grip yourself.

sebsmummy1 · 09/10/2013 12:26

Actually it would piss me off too, but probably only enough to roll my eyes and huff to OH about it.

I get irritated enough by people calling my partner my husband, but that's mainly a personal thing because he hasn't yet asked me to marry him. So I'm slightly bitter about that.

MiaowTheCat · 09/10/2013 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePuffyShirt · 09/10/2013 12:30

This would annoy me, so good for you OP.

My husband and I share a surname. It's his because it is infinitely nicer than my old name and so was our choice, but there is no way would I accept being addressed as Mrs (his initial) surname. It's not 1940.

treaclesoda · 09/10/2013 12:32

It wouldn't bother me at all, but the OP is perfectly entitled to feel differently.

I think though that there is a bigger overall problem in that no matter what the school (or any other organisation sending out letters to married couples) do, they will offend someone. Some women like to be adressed as Mr & Mrs Husband's initial Surname.

Although, on thinking about it, schools would probably be on fairly safe ground, because by definition the parents of school children will generally fall into a specific age bracket, so are likely to be younger, whereas banks etc will be dealing with a larger cross section of society, and a lot of older women that I know would be mortally offended to not be addressed through their husband's name. Not all of them, of course, but certainly some of them.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/10/2013 12:32

But sashh I have never knowingly changed my name to include my DH's first name. I have never described myself in that way. So no-one else should either.
I have used what I see as our family name (surname) - the name I share with both DH and our DC.

Floggingmolly · 09/10/2013 12:33

It doesn't sound like a very enlightened school.
Get a grip. It is technically correct, and it's such a ridiculous thing to make a fuss about. Your child's school has a lot of potential for things to worry about, this really shouldn't be one of them.

BucketArse · 09/10/2013 12:34

And Burberry giving up your surname does not make you an addition to your husband

It's a pretty unmistakeable signal that you consider your husband to be the senior partner in the marriage, though.

ringaringarosy · 09/10/2013 12:34

It would annoy me,my mil does this,even though she knows i havnt even taken dhs name.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 09/10/2013 12:41

I didn't change my name as I consider my husband to be the senior partner, I just did as I wanted to with no real agenda or thought into it, I also like the fact we all have the same surname, DCs included. I like being Mrs X, it is just a name and doesn't affect my identity or being an addition to my husband. We are pretty equal partners TBH.

I feel awful as I have just realised I sent a 'new home' card to one of my close friends and addressed it Mr and Mrs X Xxxxxxxx, they are married but she never bothered to change her name - I will be looking out for a thread about me now

Driz · 09/10/2013 12:44

You have actually emailed the school about this? I think you will give them a giggle in the staff room at least. You can't really get worked up about it being old fashioned when you have gone down the archaic patriarchal route of changing your last name to his. Therefore addressing you as Mr R and Mrs M Bonkers is no more 'modern' at all!

DSM · 09/10/2013 12:47

YANBU.

Good on you, OP.

MrsBW · 09/10/2013 12:53

And Burberry giving up your surname does not make you an addition to your husband

It's a pretty unmistakeable signal that you consider your husband to be the senior partner in the marriage, though.

Bollocks

I chose to lose my father's name - who was a total cock, and take my husband's name... Who isn't a total cock.

Nothing to do with him being a 'senior partner'

Driz · 09/10/2013 12:59

A woman changing her name harks back to the time when women were regarded as property of their husbands though MrsBW.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 09/10/2013 13:01

It may have originated that way but now I think many people see it as their family name.

QuietNinjaTardis · 09/10/2013 13:08

What mrsBW and clover said. Bollocks is my husband the senior partner in my marriage. He knows darn well that's me!

treaclesoda · 09/10/2013 13:14

I took my husband's name on marriage but I don't consider him the 'senior partner' and he doesn't consider me beneath him. We wanted to have the same name, and for that name to be the same as our children's name should we ever have any (which we did).

On a personal level, I disliked my maiden name as it was very unusual and identfiable, and switching it for a nice anonymous surname suited me very well.

Driz · 09/10/2013 13:17

But the OP is arguing that there should a more modern way of addressing the couple, yes there is, don't follow an outmoded tradition of submitting to the husband.

MrsBW · 09/10/2013 13:28

A woman changing her name harks back to the time when women were regarded as property of their husbands though MrsBW.

Maybe so

But years ago, women didn't have a choice as to whether to change their name. Now we do.

Most people realise that a woman taking her husband's name nowadays doesn't mean she is stating that she is his 'property' or 'inferior'.

As I said, for me it was a very simple, uncomplicated choice. My surname before I married was my father's name as far as I'm concerned. I couldn't wait to get rid of it.

MrsBW · 09/10/2013 13:30

The OP isn't being unreasonable asking to be referred to as she wishes.

But she shouldn't assume all people have a problem with tradition either.

Driz · 09/10/2013 13:30

But would you email the school about using "more modern ways to address the parents" MrsBW? That is the bit I really don't get

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