WIBU? Asking school to not use Mr and Mrs. R Bonkers

[bonkersLFDT20]

Got a letter from DS1's secondary school.
It was addressed to Mr and Mrs R Bonkers
R is my husband's initial.

I've just written to them suggesting they use more a more modern way to address parents e.g Mr and Mrs Bonkers or Mr R. Bonkers & Mrs M Bonkers.

WIBU?

[MissStrawberry]

YABU and rather precious. It really doesn't matter. There is quite possibly other couples with the same surname so using the father's initial helps.

I got married. I took my husband's name. My children have his surname. I am in no way a downtrodden wife and we are equals.

Stop belittling people, those that have, who choose to take their husband's names. It is old, boring, nonsense and plain daft.

[mummytime]

Actually it can cause big problems later on. We paid for my DS to have a remark, as his grade went up we got a refund of the cost. But the school (which up to then had always got it right) made the check to "Mr and Mrs DH's name". We couldn't cash the cheque, as our bank account is in the names "Dr DH name and Dr Mummytime"; actually the bank also said they needed initials to cash the cheque too.

So its not just the whim of a rabid feminist; it is important that people get names right!

I am shocked a school wouldn't use the normal system of addressing the letter to "Parents/carers of child name" it is much better with the tricky family relationships around nowadays.

[Takver]

I'd be very surprised - I have always had 'Parent or Guardian of Miss Takversdaughter' from any official body. I thought that was the norm these days?

[Sahmof3]

YANBU

[CloverkissSparklecheeks]

I just wouldn't think about emailing the school about it as you will never be able to please everyone. I may not like the more modern ways of addressing (I don't really mind either) which you are requesting the school use but I wouldn't email and ask them to address me in the traditional way, my friend is often called Mrs DHsname as teachers know they are married but she doesn't really worry about it as is a genuine mistake . I just don't think the schools can win either way.

I do understand that it is fine to worry about the small things as well as the big things but this just doesn't actually affect anyone, it may grate slightly but really doesn't mean anything and the school are not actually trying to offend anyone.

If it is for a cheque or something surely good practice would be to check who you are addressing it to. A cheque should full names or initials on so that is a silly mistake to make.

I agree that parents/carers of X is much better though.

[clr2014]

I think they will think you suit the surname of 'bonkers' when they read your letter! YABU!

[MissStrawberry]

at the number of posters who are posting as if the OP's real name is Bonkers!

[DamnBamboo]

YADNBU.

But you'll have loads on here who will say you are being unreasonable and that you should just accept it and that it's tradition and etiquette etc..

Yawn!

[bonkersLFDT20]

Just to clarify, my name is not actually Bonkers (thank you MissStrawberry).

I have rather a nice married name and an even better maiden name.

[JessePinkmansWitch]

Christ! The amount of posters getting their knickers in a twist because the OP has dared to challenge the great and mighty patriarchy.

25 years ago is was apparently correct and right that a husband couldn't rape his wife, does that mean that it should always be so? 50 years ago it was apparently correct and right that a husband could give his a wife a couple of slaps and punches does that mean that is should always be so? Over 120 years ago women weren't allowed to divorce their husbands or vote, does that mean it should always be so?

I took my husbands name when I got married. I did so because I didn't like the surname given to me at birth, which was my father's surname. I didn't suddenly take my husband's first name as well. Jeez can you imagine the confusion? Both of us with the same first and last names. So I certainly wouldn't find it acceptable to addressed in a letter by my husband's initial.

OP YANBU! Ignore the patriarchy slaves, one day they might just be able to think for themselves instead of letting all those superior men do it for them.

[SoupDragon]

because the OP has dared to challenge the great and mighty patriarchy

How? By changing her name to that of her husband?

[Bowlersarm]

I like to think, that people having a laugh at the name 'Bonkers' do actually have the intellect to know it is fictitious. I certainly was, so don't lump me in to those you think are so gullible to believe it is the real name.

Anyway, I still think YABU. A lot of fuss about something so trivial.

[bonkersLFDT20]

I do have lots of energy amicissimma. I am a runner but am injured at the moment so think I am using some of my time and energy on things which I might otherwise just drop.

Could be worse I suppose, I could be ram-raiding cash points.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

I get quite old-fashioned about addressing people so I'd be more offended at being addressed as Mrs H Drelincourt than Mrs M Drelincourt. I am Horatia Drelincourt, or Mrs Marcus Drelincourt. Kindly do not muddle the two. I will also twitch if you address something to Marcus and Horatia Drelincourt.

So on that basis YANBU to care about how you are addressed. You might be wrong but YANBU to care.

On the other hand, I think YWBU to ask the school to change how you are addressed. I expect it's actually a database issue. Making a change for just you could be nearly impossible; addressing people more carefully might involve a quick change to one database field ("addressto") or to the letter blank (using "father'sname" and "mother'sname" instead of "addressto"), or it might a major rebuild that's LA/countywide and therefore beyond the school's capabilities.

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

I wouldnt have even noticed that detail myself. If I had done it is very likely I wouldnt have given a shit, much less bothered to say anything about it. It is however very oldfashioned.

[MrsBW]

OP YANBU! Ignore the patriarchy slaves, one day they might just be able to think for themselves instead of letting all those superior men do it for them.

ODFOD and stop being so patronising.

[TheRealHousewifeOfSomewhere]

Bloody hell I am so out of the modern thing. I didnt know official etiquette had changed. When did that happen?

Stuff like this has never bothered me (thats probably why it has passed me by). I just thought it was formal etiquette to address envelopes this way full stop. It has never ever occurred to me to get het up about being called Mrs hubbys initial surname.

I get loads of official post addressed to me in this way and it has never occurred to me to be offended. All our bills are in joint names to save hassle when DH deployed and most are addressed this way.

If stuff like this goes against your beliefs then why change your name on marriage?? I have a couple of friends who have kept their maiden name upon marriage and I kind of get that but if you go down the route of becoming Mrs hubbys surname then why does this offend you so much?

Its just the way it is - like you become Mrs once married, its just a tradition that I just cannot see the offence in at all.

[MrsBW]

But would you email the school about using "more modern ways to address the parents" MrsBW? That is the bit I really don't get

Personally, no... As I said, if the OP wanted to correct the school on how she was addressed, fine... But not everyone objects to this particular tradition (and most people can tell the difference between the issue of, say, marital rape and taking their husbands name on marriage, too)...

[clr2014]

FTR I didn't think your name was actually 'bonkers'. Just that the school will think you are acting bonkers and so you have suitably named yourself .

[Spikeytree]

We have a section on SIMS for 'Parental Salutation' which tells us how parents/carers want to be addressed. If they do not fill in the data collection sheet with their preference, it defaults to the technically correct salutation.

Once we've had dealings with some parents, the way they are referred to in the staff room might not use the technically correct form anymore.

[littlewhitebag]

I use this way of addressing envelopes when sending Christmas cards etc to married couples. This is what I was taught at school.

[formerdiva]

YADNBU. Ridiculous, outdated, demeaning practice.

[ChanelTunel]

Less of the Violet Elizabeth Bott,and more of Malala Yousafzai,might stop some men regarding some women as inconsequential.

[cardibach]

People do get het up about names. I am an English teacher, so I do get that the medium is (or can be) the message etc.etc., But I'm not sure quite how it's this great feminist statement to keep your maiden name. Your maiden name is your dad's name, right (for most women, anyway)? So why is it more feminist to stick with one man's last name than another's?