WIBU? Asking school to not use Mr and Mrs. R Bonkers

[bonkersLFDT20]

Got a letter from DS1's secondary school.
It was addressed to Mr and Mrs R Bonkers
R is my husband's initial.

I've just written to them suggesting they use more a more modern way to address parents e.g Mr and Mrs Bonkers or Mr R. Bonkers & Mrs M Bonkers.

WIBU?

[PrincessWellington]

I want your name to be Mrs U R Bonkers. Please.

[edam]

Cardi, the thing is it's your name, on your birth certificate. It may be shared with other members of your family, but it is your name that belongs to you and that has identified you your whole life. Changing it just because you've fallen in love and decided to spend the rest of your life with someone is odd, given that it has never even occurred to Mr Someone to consider giving up his name for you.

Also, you've got to start somewhere.

There was one woman who made a stand by giving up her surname - just refusing to use a surname at all. I think it caused quite a bit of difficulty but last I heard of her she was sticking by her principles.

[edam]

(Just remembered, I think the woman with no surname is called Margaret.)

[JassyRadlett]

I'm really, really pleased that people do have the energy to pipe up about the tiny, seemingly inconsequential things that don't do much, if anything, on their own to the status or perceptions of women. Because there are bloody hundreds if the buggers and if they're not painstakingly and (hopefully) politely challenged they won't go away. Because it's a spectrum that tumbles over a lot of 'it's tradition/that's just the way it is' points on its way past expecting women with children are going to ask for part time working, but that's never a question if a potential male employee, all the way up to some of the most egregious sexism in our society.

And yes, the big stuff needs taking on. But the teeny, tiny irritating things that signal 'to the outside world, we consider your identity to be wrapped up with your husband's, while his is not with yours', matter, whether we gloss over it as 'tradition' or 'correct etiquette' or 'well that's not how I perceive it, so it clearly has no external impact' or whatever. It's all semiotics, which inform and underpin the bigger and more egregious stuffs.

[LadyBigtoes]

I know someone who changed her name so that her middle name became her new surname – so she doesn't have any man's name. By the time I heard of this my name was too important for my career for me to do the same, or I would have.

Remember when a man was born he also got his dad's name – most of us down't have our own name, but usually our father's or occasionally our mother's. So when you marry a man you both bring these (probably patriarchally passed down) names to the table. If a woman just gives up her name and takes the man's she's not just swapping one man's name for another - she's sending out a message to everyone that as a woman she is automatically subsumed. That the man just is more important, is the "senior partner" as someone above said. She doesn't have to consciously think this for it to be the case. The action sends the message.

This is why I can't see it as something a true feminist could do (I know I'll get flamed). For me it's an acid test. Because it's not just about your choice and preferences, it's about the message you're sending, and if you change your name (unless you do it equally somehow, eg combining both your names into a new one) it's a message of inequality. That you are giving to your DC, and everyone around you, and so helping to promulgate inequality.

[Musicaltheatremum]

I loved being Mr and Mrs A sadly I am now Mrs J as Mr A ** has died. Life is too short to worry about these things.

[LessMissAbs]

Quite right. God knows why people ignore archaic sexism but object to racism.

[ICameOnTheJitney]

LadyBig Me too! About the acid test I mean...I can't fathom it and was very disappointed when my best friend changed her surname.

[maddy68]

It's the 'correct' way of writing a formal letter
If you object to it why take your husbands name?

[MsJupiterJones]

I think anyone who thinks there are 'true feminists' or an 'acid test' has fundamentally misunderstood the concept of feminism.

[SugarHut]

I actually love it, DP and I are not married, but people always presume we are. When I get called Mrs Bloggs I don't correct people, (namely because it's a little awkward and unnecessary of me to do so) when I get called Miss SugarHut, it makes little difference. We get invitations to Mr and Mrs J Bloggs, and I like it, proper English. It's not archaic, it's just old fashioned written etiquette. It probably could be modernised, but it's nothing to lose sleep over whilst it isn't. We won't get married, as it's something we've both done before and for our own reasons both don't want to do again...but I will change my name to his. I'm very proud to be his partner, why would I get in a twist over a letter addressing me correctly (if married) as part of that couple? Also, I don't see that I have given up my sentimental lifelong family name for him, he hasn't held me at gunpoint, I've changed it willingly. If my family name was so important to me I would keep it. Just because I'm no longer a SugarHut on my passport, doesn't mean I lose any of the identity of my past/present of the SugarHut family. Bizarre concept.

[Timpetill]

Hear, hear Jassy

[SconeRhymesWithGone]

Yes, indeed, Jassy.

YANBU, OP

[Twiddlebum]

Wow, I never knew this was even an issue!! I always send out mail addressed in the old fashioned way to married couples and never thought anything about it!!! I agree with others, why change your surname if you're going to get so upperty about this??? (I'm married btw)

[unfortunatedischarge]

Why would you be unreasonable to ask them to not call you by a name that isn't yours?

[ICameOnTheJitney]

Twiddle It's "Uppity" and people can get uppity about their name all they like. Maybe some regret changing their surname...and maybe they'd like to stop the subsequent loss of their FIRST name too! FFS it's not hard to grasp.

[unfortunatedischarge]

Lol at everyone posting on this thread being to busy and to concerned about real issues to send an email

[Driz]

It's not really about the time taken to send the email, more that the OP is complaining that being addressed by her husband's initial is not modern enough for her liking...but she changed her name to his! That is not at all modern either, so why bother complaining?

[Oblomov]

Wouldn't bother me.

[Jinty64]

I don't sweat the small stuff anymore.

[curlew]

"Less of the Violet Elizabeth Bott,and more of Malala Yousafzai,might stop some men regarding some women as inconsequential."

This.

[Bowlersarm]

ICameOnTheJitney that was a rude comment to Twiddle.

Some people may regret changing their surname. Therefore they should change it back if it means that much to them that if they get addressed by their husbands initial it causes them annoyance.

How do you suggest anyone writing a letter determines whether the recipient doesn't want to go down the traditional route, having taken their husbands name in the first place?

[StayAwayFromTheEdge]

I really wouldn't care about this, in fact I doubt I would even notice.

I would much rather the school got on with the job of educating my children than updating databases.

[curlew]

"I would much rather the school got on with the job of educating my children than updating databases."

You talk as if it's an either/or!