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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU? Asking school to not use Mr and Mrs. R Bonkers

293 replies

bonkersLFDT20 · 09/10/2013 11:10

Got a letter from DS1's secondary school.
It was addressed to Mr and Mrs R Bonkers
R is my husband's initial.

I've just written to them suggesting they use more a more modern way to address parents e.g Mr and Mrs Bonkers or Mr R. Bonkers & Mrs M Bonkers.

WIBU?

OP posts:

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 10/10/2013 07:06

I'm sure the admin staff have much better things to do than this - My secondary school had 1500 pupils, updating a database of that size would take days, especially if they were going to go down the route of asking parents how they would like to be addressed.

We have letters through the door every day - I have no idea how they are addressed, I am confident enough in who I am to not worry about such trivial matters.

maddy68 · 10/10/2013 07:25

I would be more offended if they didn't use correct English and address me in the correct manner

A school should know how to write a formal letter and it looks like your school does.

This is how they will teach your children.

If you don't like it tough. It's not a feminist or outdated issue. It's standard protocol.

Anything else would be wrong.

jamdonut · 10/10/2013 07:44

I get irritated by the "to the Parent/Guardian" letters, only because it implies one parent, and I am not single!!! But not enough to actually send an e-mail.
Good grief.
It is hard enough for schools with all the different surnames in a family these days,to use a form that isn't going to upset someone somewhere, especially on mail shots.

ICameOnTheJitney · 10/10/2013 07:51

Edge it's not trivial though. It's an offensive hang back from yesteryear.

jam it does not imply one parent, it assumes one parent will open it and read it...I don't think many couples open letters as a pair.

StayAwayFromTheEdge · 10/10/2013 07:59

Offensive? Really? No, sorry, I can't agree with that.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 10/10/2013 08:09

Yanbu OP.

CloverkissSparklecheeks · 10/10/2013 08:19

What irritates me about this is that many people assume none of us want to take our DHs surname. Some of us (and quite a few on this thread) have said they do and are happy about it so i do not want anyone to stop addressing me in the 'correct' way.

In all honestly I really couldn't care if people address me wrongly or not but I am my own person, have my own identity, have a professional career and am also married to a man who's surname I have. I actually changed it by deed poll before we were married as we had DCs first so we all wanted the same name.

I have no idea how the school are supposed to know that I am happy to be address Mr and Mrs X Xxxxxx but the OP is not. I would assume they then use a default format, my DSs school ask who regular corerspondence should be sent to but for formal stuff it always says Mr and Mrs X Xxxxxx, one of my friends at the school receives hers as Mr Y Yyyyyy and Miss W Wwwww as they are not married.

JassyRadlett · 10/10/2013 08:25

People keep talking about etiquette and what's 'correct' (as if what's correct hasn't evolved over the years anyway). So I had a quick look at Debrett's.

The old, family is known by the man's name, form of address is recommended except where the wife is a doctor, an ordained minister or an Hon, Lady or other title - explicitly, if she 'outranks' him.

So a woman is worth singling out in an address if she's highly educated or very posh. Otherwise, husband's initial, because he automatically outranks her (their words, not mine). How is that not either illogical or a wee bit fucked up?

Interestingly, some other (non-British) etiquette guides are suggesting that it is increasingly based on the preference of the couple themselves (which you can often pick up by looking at the back of any letter they've ever sent you). This makes sense to me.

As for database management - if you ask for and input the right details at the get-go it's pretty straightforward. And you can avoid this whole minefield by setting up your mass mailouts to avoid titles altogether, which might be a helpful option for institutions such as schools where they will be dealing with myriad family situations.

LadyBigtoes · 10/10/2013 08:27

I think anyone who thinks there are 'true feminists' or an 'acid test' has fundamentally misunderstood the concept of feminism.

OK MsJupiter but you can't just baldly state that without explaining the concept of feminism as it should be to us! I stand to be corrected about how you can be a feminist and change your name to your husband's. I have spent a lot of time wondering. (Also I should add that I respect the right of my friends and acquaintances to be known by their married name if that's what they want – I would never harangue them or call them by their "maiden" name to make a point.)

I don't think feminism is an all-or-nothing mater - every little helps and I welcome it when I see it, however "lite". But to me feminism is about equality, and the tradition that a woman loses her name and gets her husband's name is about the opposite.

plantsitter · 10/10/2013 08:27

I came on to say what jassy said but I'm sure I wouldn't've been so eloquent.

Those of you saying things along the lines of 'stop worrying your pretty head about something so silly' - are you aware you sound like 1950s advice columnists trying to keep society in its proper moral (paternalistic) order?

thebody · 10/10/2013 08:29

amazed that the school assumes you are married.

all the schools my 4 have been to address us as parents/carers of child.

did you send then to a posh private or top grammar? if so what did you expect? [grin??]

thebody · 10/10/2013 08:30

oh dear too early.

curlew · 10/10/2013 08:30

"What irritates me about this is that many people assume none of us want to take our DHs surname. Some of us (and quite a few on this thread) have said they do and are happy about it so i do not want anyone to stop addressing me in the 'correct' way."

So you will understand how incredibly irritating it is for me when people assume that I do want to change my name- and change it for me!

I don't think the OP is saying nobody should be addressed in the way the school addresses her, is she? Just that she doesn't want to be. Which the school could change very easily. Just as my ds's school changed from addressing us as 'mr Hisname and Mrs Myname" to "Mr Hisname and Ms Myname" A couple of keystrokes- done.

Sallystyle · 10/10/2013 09:01

It wouldn't bother me.

I just get addressed as the Parent/Carer or Samu2's kids.

Three of my children have a different surname than me and I have been called Mrs theirlastname a few times and even that didn't really bother me.

boardcreche · 10/10/2013 09:05

Well you did change your name to Dh presumably so in that case YABU. If you really wanted to be modern you would ave kept your own name??

ICameOnTheJitney · 10/10/2013 09:06

Curlew hits the nail on the head.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 10/10/2013 09:07

Those who are happy to be addressed as Mr & Mrs John Smith or Mr & Mrs J Smith, would you be unhappy to be addressed as Mr & Mrs Smith?

HorryIsUpduffed · 10/10/2013 09:13

Snatch I'm fine with Mr & Mrs Smith but there are a lot of Mr & Mrs OurSurname about so it can get muddling which is why I prefer Mr & Mrs HisName Surname or Mr & Mrs H Surname.

BurberryQ · 10/10/2013 09:16

the OP has dared to challenge the great and mighty patriarchy
er ...noooo....she has had a whinge on mumsnet about some school using her husband's initial when addressing the two of them. Not quite the same is it?

Thants · 10/10/2013 09:20

It's stupid but if you care about issues like this then why change your surname when you married? It's just a small extension of what you have already accepted; that your husband is more important than you.

Original poster

bonkersLFDT20 · 10/10/2013 09:33

The school haven't replied BTW.

The school is a comprehensive.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 10/10/2013 10:16

They probably have better things to occupy themselves with than engage with this nonsense...

Original poster

bonkersLFDT20 · 10/10/2013 10:27

Yes probably. It's not such a big issue that I would follow it up. No harm in speaking up though.

OP posts:

MrsBW · 10/10/2013 10:57

I don't think the OP is saying nobody should be addressed in the way the school addresses her, is she? Just that she doesn't want to be. Which the school could change very easily

But the OP suggests that that is exactly what she is saying...

The OP didn't ask to be called a different name... She asked that they 'use a more modern way to address parents', i.e. she is speaking on behalf of all parents.

Hopefully the school will adjust how they refer to the OP... as they absolutely should now that the OP has highlighted her annoyance. On this, no one could argue that the OP is BU, surely?

Tell you one thing that really makes me chuckle sometimes though. Women fought through the centuries for the right to be heard, counted and their opinions and decisions respected. And now, I get told I'm 'demeaning myself' by making a conscious choice to change my name to my husband's? It's implied that basically, if I choose to do so, I'm a bit thick and simply don't (or can't) understand the issues? And I'm told this by other women??

Bubbles1066 · 10/10/2013 11:08

We get 'to the parent/s or guardian/s of child's name.' You can't get more modern than that!

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