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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's that thing people do where they goad you and goad you until finally they get a reaction...?

140 replies

TattyDevine · 05/10/2013 07:59

Long story short I have just opted out of a social situation where a couple of male friends were goading me, I was trying to ignore their silliness (they were a bit drunk) and eventually I just said, look, would you think it would be acceptable to be saying that about one of your family members to which you then get "don't twist my words" "we are only trying to wind you up" etc etc.

(For a bit of background they were making jokes about there being no such thing as rape in uni and how they are all gagging for it and how you should be able to buy rohypnol in the student union café. This conversation came about because I mentioned how pleased I was with the security of my 19 year old niece's uni accommodation)

I know there are various things called stonewalling and stuff but does this type of scenario as described above, picking and picking and picking until finally they get a rise then blaming it on you for being oversensitive, does that have a word? Or are they just c*nts, lol.

I could do with some help actually in how to manage these two "friends" and I know there is relationships but I'm all about the traffic right not. Go on Mumsnet sisterhood, give me some strength, my darling husband wants me to go back to this holiday site we are all staying and face these two sexist drunken oiks Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
TattyDevine · 05/10/2013 08:00

*now, not not.

OP posts:
DameFellatioNelson · 05/10/2013 08:01

I know what you mean but I can't think of the precise word/phrase either.

You are right on one thing though - they are just cunts.

MadameLeMean · 05/10/2013 08:01

They would no longer be my friends if they said stuff like that, "jokes" or not. Dickheads.

NynaevesSister · 05/10/2013 08:02

Why would your husband want to spend any time with people who talk like this? How would he feel if it was his daughter they were talking about?

LlamaLover · 05/10/2013 08:05

Its called 'trying to provoke a reaction'.

GretaGroovy · 05/10/2013 08:05

I think 'goading' covers it and yes, they are just c*nts. Presumably they don't actually think those things. Or perhaps they do? The point is, you can't tell the difference, you shouldn't have to be able to tell the difference, some things are beyond the pale to joke about really.

Ask your DH why he thinks this is funny, just 'them' trying to get a rise out of you...why waste time with people like that?!?!?!

Original poster
TattyDevine · 05/10/2013 08:05

Precisely NynaevesSister, that is a whole other topic but I think he too was fairly disgusted but was slightly detached from the conversation for some reason and only realised something was amis when I had left the room and opted out of the conversation and then possibly put it down to me being silly - not that I have form for it - but he just wasn't in the moment. I'm not sure he does want to spend time with them to be fair, he wants me back there first and foremost.

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vibee · 05/10/2013 08:06

I don't know about a word for it. I suspect they'd call it banter. I'd call it sexist bullying. You could call them on it, but I bet they'd say you can't take a joke. The trouble is they don't really respect you, so your disapproval isn't going to stop them. Might be different if your husband backed you up, which he should anyway. I wouldn't go back. Too old to waste time listening to idiots.

CeliaFate · 05/10/2013 08:08

Friends who made jokes like that, drunk or not, would immediately be filed in my head as "Acquaintance only" and I would never feel the same about them again.
I have been spectacularly drunk on more than one occasion and I have never felt the need to spout such moronic shite.
I'd make sure my dh knew exactly why and backed me up too.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 05/10/2013 08:08

Thanks LlamaLover, I was kind of hoping it had some cook Wikipedia-able title! Mumsnetters are great at knowing the official names of stuff Grin

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PurplePidjin · 05/10/2013 08:08

They're cunts.

They'll call it banter Hmm

Auntidote · 05/10/2013 08:08

It's the favourite tactic of thoroughly nasty people.

If you can, never speak to them or see them again. People like that are the lowest, vilest going.

mumofweeboys · 05/10/2013 08:12

Tell them calmly that its not funny and go sit somewhere else

DameFellatioNelson · 05/10/2013 08:13

I am not generally a fan of those very blokey blokes who go in for macho banter and teasing of women as a form of er...affection or friendship. It's not my thing at all, but sometimes it can be tolerated in eye-rolly sort of way. But this...this topic is waaay off limits in anything other than a serious discussion about what exactly constitutes rape and if/when there can ever be grey areas. It's ok to have that serious debate so long as it is handled sensitively and intelligently but rape is never a joking matter. Ever. And they are complete twats if they think it is.

Twit · 05/10/2013 08:13

I wouldn't want to be alone with either one or both of them frankly, 'joke' or not, you'll never truly know if you are safe.

GretaGroovy · 05/10/2013 08:15

Does either of them actually have a wife or girlfriend? I would now have those women filed under 'emotionally abused' tbh.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 05/10/2013 08:16

That's what I did mumofweeboys. I left our living room of our holiday place and went to my bedroom. And that very fact is going to be used as me "not having a sense of humour" or "being uptight" or this that the other and I really would like to be able to get this one right and cut them down with a clear and concise retort of why exactly that is not the case and what they have in fact stooped to.

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Lastofthepodpeople · 05/10/2013 08:19

They both sound awful. And no, it's not at all funny.

Back2Two · 05/10/2013 08:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster
TattyDevine · 05/10/2013 08:21

They both have wives GretaGroovy and one has a daughter too. He's the worst of the two of them, he was playing up to the blokey thing, the other was just sitting there relishing in me being "wound up". Like fucking beevis and butthead. Bear in mind I'd just spent an hour and a half entertaining them and their wives and families, had brought spaghetti bolognaise, put wine on the table, I was hosting the evening and they start with that shite. Friends indeed Confused

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CeliaFate · 05/10/2013 08:22

Show them this

DameFellatioNelson · 05/10/2013 08:22

I'd go down and ask to speak to them as say(in as friendly but firm way as you can muster)

'look I don't want to fall out with you over this and spoil everyone's trip but you need to know that you have really overstepped a mark. There are some things that are just not EVER up for a piss take and this is one of them. I respectfully ask you to drop it now, because I am offended and every minute you keep this up you are going down and down in my estimations and it's making me question our friendship. Which would be a shame. So stop. Please.'

Hopefully you'll shame them into an apology and a good atmosphere will be restored, whereas if you just separate yourself they'll see it as evidence of you being humorless and boring.

dementedma · 05/10/2013 08:23

Do they have daughters? If so create a scenario beginning with " think of your daughter X. Now imagine......" and take it from there. See if they still find it funny.

Original poster
TattyDevine · 05/10/2013 08:23

Apparently they want to apologise (text from husband). See their only line of defence will be "we were trying to wind you up because its funny" but why do you want to wind up someone who has just hosted an otherwise pleasant evening at their expense of both money and time, for you? Not nice people, I agree, and alcohol can be a nasty addition I fear.

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pudcat · 05/10/2013 08:24

Gosh I think I would be heading home, not just to the bedroom. I would not feel safe with them if that is their opinion. And do you expect your DH to protect you - he should be with not trying to be nice to them. Get out before something happens.

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