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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children 4 dads

578 replies

fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:50

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 03/10/2013 19:21

Fucking hell, I can't believe some of the nasty attitudes on this thread.

Crowler · 03/10/2013 19:21

Jeez. Can I just say that I want women to have ALL THE SEX THEY WOULD LIKE. It's not relevant to the matter at hand.

AmberLeaf · 03/10/2013 19:23

Appalled by Quints post easy lay jesus.

It isn't ideal, but there are worse things a person can do than have a number of children with different men.

Debs75 · 03/10/2013 19:23

I have a 'friend' who has 7 to 6 dads. She has the child then gets bored with the man and shoves him aside for another man. SHe has no self esteem at all unless a man is at her side. She has even said it's not her who wants the kids it's the men who wants one of their own. She loves her kids and works hard to provide for them but I know she isn't happy with her lot.

Another acquaintance has 7 under 7(2 sets of twins) to the same father and she is a much worse mum. She struggles to cope and sends the eldest out at all hours on errands. They all look so unhappy and she doesn't appear to have a close relationship with them. There are 7 so can imagine it is harder to be really close.

OP your friend may well be the best mum to the kids but she has to see the impact the dads are having on her kids. I wish her well but it must be hard dealing with absent fathers

Floggingmolly · 03/10/2013 19:25

Nobody's judging the four blokes, don't be facile Hmm. Judging is reserved for her decision to have each one's baby despite the fact that the earlier father's had declined to be involved in said baby's lives.
The latest one hasn't even lasted the length of the pregnancy, ffs.
How dim do you have to be to do this four times without sensing a pattern?

usualsuspect · 03/10/2013 19:26

I was an easy lay too,back in the day.

Is that a bad thing? Grin

LtEveDallas · 03/10/2013 19:26

Crowler - when someone is being called an 'easy lay' and an 'STI hive' for daring to have 4 partners, 4 kids. If the term 4x4 if being bandied about as if it is funny, then it IS relevant to the matter in hand.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 03/10/2013 19:33

Quint, some fucking vile comments there. Shocked by your comments actually.

This thread has been an eye opener, of the bad variety.

imofftolisdoonvarna · 03/10/2013 19:34

Why is 'daily mail' to think that someone should take a bit of personal responsibility for the sake of both themselves and the sake of their children (and I am talking about both men and women here).

ImperialBlether · 03/10/2013 19:34

I'll get flamed for this, I'm sure, but why are there so many accidental pregnancies now? I was a teenager in the 70s and didn't know anyone in that position - we were so glad of the pill which would save us from the fate of an unwanted pregnancy.

In my daughter's generation (she's in her twenties) so many have unwanted or unexpected pregnancies yet now we have so many more methods of avoiding it. I know some people can't use the pill, but there are other methods.

There was no financial help when I was a teenager, though - it would've been a financial disaster for me to get pregnant. It's not like that now. I hate to think that's the reason why so many people aren't as careful as they should be, but I can't think of another reason.

imofftolisdoonvarna · 03/10/2013 19:36

Although quintisentiall' s 'easy lay' comment is just Hmm

gettingeasiernow · 03/10/2013 19:37

It's so far from an ideal situation that you would have to wonder what went wrong for her to end up like that and whether the children were disadvantaged as a result. Agree though that it would be rude to comment in real life.

Yama · 03/10/2013 19:38

This thread really is grim. This is a person who is bringing up her four children. Shame on those who judge her without knowing anything other than that she has had sex with four different men.

Thisisaeuphemism · 03/10/2013 19:38

I think there's two kinds of accident;

There's: Jesus Christ what the fuck am I going to do? (Dc1)
And there's: meh, might as well have a baby (dc3!)

AmberLeaf · 03/10/2013 19:38

There was no financial help when I was a teenager, though - it would've been a financial disaster for me to get pregnant. It's not like that now. I hate to think that's the reason why so many people aren't as careful as they should be, but I can't think of another reason

There was financial help in the 70s, but people were less aware of it.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2013 19:39

My only questions would be - if she could live her life over again, would she make the same decisions? Does she have any regrets?
(I know it's tricky to answer when you know your children and couldn't imagine not having them).

CurlyKiwiControl · 03/10/2013 19:39

Fucking disgusting thread. Angry

I knew there were some twats knocking about on here but fucking hell this takes the piss.

Me too usual me too.

PeppiNephrine · 03/10/2013 19:40

I'm not sure how having as much coitus as you like is the same as having as many children as you like. Aren't we supposed to be supporting safe shagging?
I suppose we can support the right to have as many STD's as you like and as much hiv as you like to.
Still struggling to care what other people do though.

mortuusUrsus · 03/10/2013 19:48

I don't care how many people anyone's slept with. I don't care if those people entitled to benefits claim them. I have empathy if you have been left in a difficult situation as a single parent through the dickishness of the other party. I don't have any opinion if you decide to move in with someone new and start fresh except for "I'm glad you are happy now"

To have 4 children with 4 different fathers and claim they were all accidents is something else entirely. How is that sort of selfishness and recklessness acceptable?

Fathers who are no longer in a relationship with the mother all too often have to jump through hoops to see their children, especially once a new woman is on the scene. Why is it alright for a mother to bring home any new man she fancies and repeat the cycle again?

I see it happening with my brother. His daughter will never know who he is, just as his brand new stepchildren will never know their fathers. But it's okay, because the mother can do what she wants? Because why not?

Those poor fucking kids.

ImperialBlether · 03/10/2013 19:49

If there was, AmberLeaf, I don't know anyone who was aware of it. I knew if I'd got pregnant I would have had to go to a home for unmarried mothers and would have had to have had the child adopted. I'd never ever heard of anyone keeping a child.

usualsuspect · 03/10/2013 19:50

Poor fucking kids?

Oh give over.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 19:51

Oh yes poor kids having a mother looking after them alone.

usualsuspect · 03/10/2013 19:53

For parent by parents,as long as the mothers fit your smug narrow minded veiw.

Alconleigh · 03/10/2013 19:53

If the children are healthy, nurtured etc then I am not overly fussed. I reserve the right to inwardly (note inwardly) judge it as terribly Jeremy Kyle, but then I hold my hand up having a fairly narrow social circle who have all started their families after 30, with careers nicely established, houses bought and with a long term partner. Ironically I am the one who doesn't fit this mould so I am probably being judged by them!

usualsuspect · 03/10/2013 19:54

Actually that should be By parents for parents.