4 children 4 dads

[fll85]

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

I too could have been classed an easy lay. I enjoyed sex. Whatever.

And what's all this bullshit about "I thought I respected so-and-so, how wrong I was. At least I know who the cunts are now"? You don't know anyone. Stop kidding yourself that people have disappointed you. No one owes you anything.

I'm one of 4, same mum, same dad. My mum has only ever slept with my dad. Our childhood was fucking miserable. I wish my mum had tried to find happiness elsewhere. To the outside world we probably looked like a happy respectable middle class family. What a load of bollocks.

I was an easy lay (god I had fun)

I have also had an STI

However I have 2 children by 1 man who I am married to.

Just wondering where I sit along the line of judginess. I am curious as to whether that has made some of the po faced on here spontaneously combust.

Some of the attitudes here are disgraceful. And for the person who is proud to not be a feminist, I don't think we want you

Floggingmolly so which is morally better. Living in a crap relationship or accepting some state benefits? How many on this thread get no help from the state?
(Im out)

Where exactly did OPs friend state that all 4 children were accidents? I can see where the OP says that 2 of the children were unplanned. I can see where OP says that the eldest is 10 and the youngest in utero, so for all we know OPs friend could have had 2 five year relationships and 2 one night stands. Is there something wrong with that?

My first two I was with their dad for five years bit he became violent after his parents died so I rightly left.
Second two with large age gap were with my husband and partner of 18 yrs he left me for someone else.
My last baby is now two and was a happy surprise after if married my now dh of 7 yrs.
hardly irresponsible on my part.

Floggingmolly so which is morally better. Living in a crap relationship or accepting some state benefits? How many on this thread get no help from the state?
(Im out)

If there was, AmberLeaf, I don't know anyone who was aware of it. I knew if I'd got pregnant I would have had to go to a home for unmarried mothers and would have had to have had the child adopted. I'd never ever heard of anyone keeping a child

In the 70s?

I was born in the 70s and knew many people growing up whos Mums had them as single Mothers.

No unmarried mums homes or adoptions for them, although I know that happened with some.

I hate all these comments about the taxpayer that always crop up. Our taxes go on all sorts of things we may personally disapprove of or find distasteful. As far as benefits go, I passionately believe in the welfare state and consider a society which provides for all its members (whether they have children with a whole string of different partners or not) far more moral than a return to workhouses.

Everything has a context.

If I knew a man who had 4 different children with 4 different women I'd think he was a proper bastard.

Oh yes poor kids having a mother looking after them alone.

That's not what I meant and I think you know it. I'm a single mother for all intents and purposes, I'm also not married to my baby's father and she wasn't planned. W

hy would I make the same mistake a further 3 times with no safety net in place for my children to satisfy my own selfishness? No stability, no security, nothing, just because I could?

I am particularly loving the comments about women choosing better men. I mean because it's not as if men (or people in general) change or anything, is it? Oh and it's not like having a baby is a huge life change that breaks many relationships either!

This thread had been useful. I now have some more names to add to my shitlist.

I haven't had an STI, more by luck than by judgement.

What even if he was bringing all the 4 children up?

You would think he was a bastard then,would you?

It's not great TBH and I say that as someone whose mum was 4 x 3 (4 kids by 3 different men).

Unless the mum and the stepdads involved are all stellar characters and manage the situaiton well it is very distressing for the children.

I would judge, I am afraid. and I do feel sorry for the children.

I have 3 DC and a very hands on DH who has always helped from the word go, and it has still been hard raising those DC together, with no financial worries! I have every respect for LPs many of whom do a great job with little respite..

But I simply don't know how a single parent with a succession of young children, has the time or inclination to be out socialising enough to find a new man so frequently. When you take out the length of time she may not have been socially/sexually active because she was very pg or had just given birth/sleep deprived etc, then 4 men in 10 years seems a lot and 4 accidents in 10 years is really quite something.

You really would think that after a couple of accidents, given all the emotional and financial stress that being a LP can bring, she would have been extra extra careful.

I actually wonder whether for some reason this is deliberate on her part.

I know someone who habitually gets pg, leave the father before he knows, ends up with the babies taken into care, does the same again. It's absolutely tragic, IMO.

I don't see why people are focusing on the number of people the OP's friend has slept with. How on earth is that relevant?

The question of different fathers is relevant only in terms of how it directly affects the children. I don't see how anyone can put a positive spin on children having to experience all the insecurity and unpleasantness that go with the vast majority of relationship breakdowns. No one would deliberately put a child through that once, let alone repeatedly. If they did then they would be a bad parent.

Yet it happens. Sometimes for unforseeable reasons, sometimes for slightly more obvious but very complex ones.

IMO, assuming that you want a normative heterosexual live-in relationship, it is important to get to know someone before deciding to introduce them to your DC, let alone have another child with them. As soon as you introduce a new partner, you are creating a bond between that person and your child that could prove devastating if broken.

That's why although accidents happen in new relationships and sometimes work out very well, normally it's not a great idea to get pregnant with a man you've only known 6 months, for example. Not only is the conceived child at a higher risk of being left fatherless if you subsequently discover the father is an abusive wanker, but so is the child you already have who has already witnessed the fallout from one relationship breakdown.

However, accidents happen. Sometimes pregnancies happen deliberately because hope and love are powerful motivating factors and it's very difficult to believe the worst of someone you are in love with. There are all sorts of reasons. I don't think many mothers would consciously choose to be reckless about it.

From what the OP has said about her friend though, the 4x4 moniker is undeserved, since although there are four fathers, the number of relationship breakdowns is two, which is much more common.

I know a number of women who have children whose fathers aren't around. The most stable ones are the ones who never had the father around in the home in the first place, since the children have been spared the fallout of the crumbling relationship and everything that goes with it. You could argue that the best mothers shouldn't live with the father of their DC's at all, since this exposes the children to far less risk.

Single 27 year old mother of 4 (3 fathers) here. I get no help, financial or otherwise, from any of them (their choice)

Not sure it's relevant but I have a very good professional job that pays extremely well and I'm respected in my profession.

I would like to say this thread has been an eye opener but the narrow minded views are nothing new to me.

Such ashame!

op hope your friend doesn't take any notice of any negative comments. a dignified silence is always a good route to take. it's not anyone else's business.

candy yes I've a few new entries in my list too.
Have to say I'm a bit shocked at some comments from posters I normally agree with.
It's as if there are imposters

More shocked by the judging of her having a job but being topped up by the state.

Er, doesn't that describe a vast majority of MN? Y'know, tax credits, child benefit and the like?

Her slutty behaviour (four men in ten years, the harlot!) would all but be excused if only she didn't receive benefits.

Christ alive.

My Grandmother and her sister were both born out of wedlock. Different Fathers. Unmarried Mother, eldest 2 dc by dead Husband. In the 1930s.
Guess what? My Great Grandmother wasn't lynched or spat at on the streets. She was a formidable woman by all accounts. Just fell for two wrong uns.

I had a pregnancy scare with my dd & ended up in hospital for a few days. The lady in the bed next to me was expecting her 5th baby by her 5th partner and she was experiencing premature labour at 28 weeks. The dr who came to see her stated that DNA left behind by multiple partners was a contributing factor to her premature labour. Her body was trying to reject the new baby as it's DNA was not compatible with the DNA of previous babies or something along those lines. So her message was that the more children that you have with different partners the higher the risk of having a premature baby.

What a mess.