4 children 4 dads

[fll85]

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

I have 2 by 2 Dads... One was my exh we were together for 12 years, he is involved but ds's dad isn't.

I must admit I do feel embarrassed about my situation at times when I have to explain but believe me when I got married I never expected my life to turn out the way it has!

Yes, well done me for using contraception effectively.

I don't judge ever, so long as her children are well cared for and loved I see no issue.
I have 3 children 2 biologically mine, one not. My eldest ds's conception was a contraception failure, condom split when we were in the middle of the desert! He writes often and visits occasionally ds sees him as a uncle type figure and is happy with that. We are good friends and I have a lot of brothers there's no lack of male role models. My youngest well his father couldn't cope when he was born at 24 weeks.
My eldest by sgo is 16 if I'd given birth to her I would have been 15 when I had her, i look young and I get judged all the time.
Then I open my mouth and explain and say I got a phd, and support them myself then suddenly everyone is all smiles
In all likelihood in December I will take custody of my dds birth mums baby. So technically I would have 4 children by 4 fathers but you wouldn't know the whole story if you saw me in the street. So I don't judge.
We all just do the best we can.

No, technically it isn't anyone else's business; but it's still bloody awful... How exactly is she a fantastic Mum?

I don't think it's a good relationship role model. Part of being a good parent is modeling stable and committed adult relationships.

Having two with two different dads is not remotely similar to 4 with 4 different men.

Who looks after the kids while she's doing her rubbish job for rubbish money, which is no doubt liberally supplemented with benefits?
I can't imagine there's any net benefit to the tax payers.

I judge. I judge the men that were too feckless to have unprotected sex. Secure in the knowledge that they could walk away without consequence.

I have a friend who has 3 children by 3 fathers. She honestly believed, each time that the man was the love of her life and planned a future with them. Her kids are great, much loved and financially supported by their parents.
I knew a bloke who had 4 DC by 3 women. I thought it was a bit feckless when I first heard, but he had them all together every other weekend and financially supported them all.
Think there have been some horrible comments on this thread and it has helped me filter out some posters.

But this isn't a situation where everyone is involved and the children are supported by both parents. The OP has already said that two of the fathers don't bother. To then add another father into the mix is stupid and irresponsible.

Surely if you had 3 kids by 3 different dads, and you were in a rubbish job with not a lot of money, you would make sure your contraception was absolutely watertight before going anywhere near a penis? Wouldn't you? Surely?

If the dads are involved and pay maintenance and have their children regularly, I don't see it as a problem, but when 2 of the dads don't care and don't pay a penny towards their children, I will judge - both the mum for choosing to have kids with someone so irresponsible, and the dad for being so reckless and for not stepping up to his responsibilities.

It's in NO way ideal to have 4 kids by 4 dads, two of which don't support their children while you work a shit job for shit pay, and while your choices are supported by the taxpayer. That doesn't mean the kids aren't loved and cared for, but it's not exactly what anyone would choose for their children.

Gee whizz have I clicked on the Daily Mail website by mistake?

I had two accidental pregnancies. One was a pill baby, the other I had the coil and conceived with it perfectly in place.

So FatPenguin, I didn't 'let' it happen, it just did with perfectly acceptable and used properly contraception.

I might judge a teensy bit if someone has had 4x4 but I really shouldn't. I have five children with two different men (married them both) and two of them weren't born at the best of times but I do think 4x4 does show a lack of.... something.

STI hive and an easy lay? Now that kind of thinking is disgusting.

Well, Kate Winslet is well on her way to having 3 children by 3 different dads and no-one's criticizing her, presumably because she's rich and famous. Same with Mick Jagger, he has about 7 children with 4 different women.

What's more important to me is whether your friend can support herself and her children without help from the state? If she can do it without help from some of the children's fathers or the state, then it's really her own business.

SPsTwerking
My siblings and I don't look alike either, there is nothing wrong with 'non matching' siblings, I only mentioned it because it could possibly be an issue in combination with all the other factors that come into play with a complicated family set up.

that's a really long sentence

I think the emotional wellbeing of the children she keeps creating is a more pressing concern than whether or not she receives any benefits.

Precious
I am sorry to hear about your childhood, that must have been difficult for you

I used to know a 5x5 house. All kids happy, most, if not all dads involved, self employed, hardworking mum (she was a personal trainer/gym instructor) with a beautiful home.

When she and dad #5 (a really great bloke) spoke about TTCing for no. 6, we, her friends joked, not unkindly, that should she not meet dad 6 first.

I lost touch with them, I'd like to think she and he are still an item, they were certainly very happy back in the day.

I find myself picturing a strong, independent woman. No, she doesn't sleep around - and if she does, well that's her choice. Yes, she thinks having children is a major thing. But what differentiates her from many people on this thread, is, that she doesn't think that bringing up children well needs a stable long term relationship to a man. Perhaps in her background, families have always been made up of women, their children, and maybe their sisters and mothers helping out here and there? With men existing but never as an essential part of the household/family.
This is actually quite a widespread family model, and not just in developing countries. And, like any other family model, in some cases it will be beneficial for the children, in other cases it won't.
The woman I'm picturing (we really don't know enough about OPs friend to be able to say) is providing a GOOD role model IMO, and also a good relationship model, just not the one most people around here aspire to. For certain, this woman is NOT making her happiness dependent on a man. In her family model, you won't find yourself sticking with an abusive partner 'for the sake of the kids' nor will you think that you are a crappy mum (wasn't able to provide child with normal two-parent family) just because the father of your child decided to leave you.

Kate Winslet's children will not have any sort of family life that resembles the majority of people though,regardless of how ever many children/partners she has.

Plus she has enough money to support herself and a support network for the children.

She is not providing a good role model; and she's not an independant woman in any real sense if she's earning rubbish money which is then topped up by the state

It's naive to think that just being a good mum makes it all alright. Not exactly great for the children is it?