4 children 4 dads

[fll85]

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

That's a ridiculous argument,because the men don't tend to look after and bring the children up.

it has been said a few times on this thread as long as the children are loved and well looked after that is all that matters

now that can happen within a number of different set ups happy marriage, an unhappy marriage, same sex parents, a single parent, a parent who has children by a few partners but it is not all that matters people are more complex than that it is about providing emotional stability too, if a child is constantly having a new father figure around, seeing their mother have yet again a man walk away from her it, arguments over maintenance, when children will see nrp, if they will see nrp it all has an impact

The man is still thoughtlessly bringing child after child into the world.

Much as a woman with 7 kids by 6 men is.

I don't know what I feel is more irresponsible, the thought that all these kids were planned, or the thought that they were all the unavoidable 'accident' that so many women are prone to with no fault of their own

Just as there are married couples who are fuck ups of parents...there are women like the one in the OP who are not. That kind of set up does not guarantee dysfunctional.

Remind me why people berate the parent that stayed?

no one is saying that if a child is bought up by mummy and daddy and they are happy all will be fine

but life is less compex, a child's view of relationships is likely to be less confused than a child who has had a parent who has settled down on a a number of occasions with men who are around for bit then gone

I think a lot of the posters who are so dreadfully concerned about what lesson this is teaching the children ought very much to consider the lessons they are teaching there own children by spouting those sort of viewpoints.

And seriously using THAT word in a personal attack,anyone who does that is clearly failing at being a decent human being and has about as much intelligence as a three toed sloth in a drug induced coma,at the very least they are not responsible enough to have unsupervised acces to a computer.

Wow this thread is shocking!!!!

I'm really quite appalled by what some people have said, and to use the R word as an insult is just disgusting. That poster should be really ashamed of themselves. If they are a mum and if they are also using disabilist language like that in front of thier children then that would make them a much worse parent than someone with children from multiple parents. Disgusting behaviour.

My life turned out very much like yourallmyfavourites

My eldest is 23 and my youngest is 3.

My two eldest never had contact with their fathers (even though I was married to the father of DC2), they turned out fabulous. DC1 is a university graduate with a great job and DC2 has just started university.

DC3 was a result of an 8 year relationship with 3 of those years trying to have a baby while suffering numerous miscarriages.
DC4 is called my "microgynon baby" as I religiously took the pill yet still ended up pregnant.

The 2 youngest see their fathers and DC3s father still sees my eldest two - despite having a new relationship and baby with another woman. He is amazing in that sense.

I, myself, am now at university studying for a career in which I do not need to rely on tax credits etc. It's tough but it's a plan to improve the lives of my children.

So I have had 4 relationships in 23 years. An unplanned pregnancy as a teenager then a pregnancy whilst (properly) taking the pill.

I've been very offended by a lot of comments on here as many of them are steeped in generalisations.

Although no post has offended me more than the use of the 'R' word by a grown woman.

Ok I haven't read the whole 17 pages of this thread, so sorry if this has already been brought up, but what about Rod Stewart and Mick Jagger who have children by about 3/4 different mothers ?
And I know of a couple of men who have kids by 3 mothers.
I actually consider myself pretty conservative (though I don't read Daily Fail eek!) and not an ardent feminist, but I get annoyed with attitudes slamming mothers like this and not fathers.

no one is saying that if a child is bought up by mummy and daddy and they are happy all will be fine

Some are certainly implying that that is the 'right' way. right way = all will be fine.

Shocked that the disablist post is still there.

I've got 2 kids by 2 dads. My DS was born when I was 18 after a DOUBLE contraceptive failure (the pill injection AND a condom). Everyone still thinks we were being reckless teenagers, when actually we were being very responsible! My ex is a good dad and sees DS regularly, so all good there.

My DD was born nearly 10 years later; her father being my fiancé of many years. I STILL get a ribbing from some mates about having 2x2! I desperately want a third in a couple of years, but find myself thinking of having one earlier than I'm actually ready to, (just in case something 'happens') so that I can then say that I've got 2 by the same father and that I'm not irresponsible, loose, etc. That's probably due to knowing how most people view these situations with such disdain. If DP and I were no longer together, then I'd stick at 2 - I would go for that much wanted third child with a new man.

I do have a friend with 3 kids by 5 dads though and she gets bloody hard time! Her eldest daughter's dad was born. She later got engaged to another guy and had 2 more kids. He flipped and started beating the shit out of her, so her and the kids had to escape to a women's refuge. Her youngest 2 DC's have been born to her husband of several years but despite her very unlucky past (and the fact that they're the only 3 men she's been with), she gets absolutely RINSED locally by judgemental types. Sad, as she's a bloody good mum.

*WOULDN'T go for a much wanted third child with another man. Stupid phone!

The issue of her being a 'fab mum' is diffent from the issue of this not being an ideal situation, which is what some posters seem to be confusing.

It is perfectly possible to be a fab mum, no matter how your children came about. However the circumstances surrounding how they came to be can have a huge impact on their lives in the future. If some children have contact with their dads, say at weekends, when do they get quality family time with their siblings? It can be difficult to manage children by different fathers, even (especially?) when the fathers want a lot of contact, and I would imagine this is harder the more children are involved.

I think it is totally wrong to judge a woman's panting skills based on the children's conception, but I can understand people thinking the situation is not ideal for the children. However, as it cannot be changed there is nothing to gain from comment.

Who pays for this lifestyle choice & would she be happy if each of her children grow up and do the same?

Who pays for this lifestyle choice

The mother has a job
2 of the fathers provide for their children
One does not
One child is not yet born, so father may well contribute when it is here

...Or are you assuming the worst - that the mother must be on benefits simply because of her situation?

Thank fuck that vile disablist post was finally deleted - took some time though.

Sorry I havent read the whole thread, apologies.

I would inwardly judge if I'm honest, although its none of my business.

I do however think the age gaps make a difference. I know 2 women who have 3 by 3. The first has a 2 year age gap between 1 and 2, and a 19 year age gap between 2 and 3. She was with father 2 for 15ish years.

The other woman had 3 children in 4 years. None of them were long relationships,.so I see her differently.

Hurrah MN judges me! I feel so special. Oh to have only slept with the father of my child to whom I had been married to for an appropriate period of time before conceiving our pfb on a mini break in the country with moonlit breeze ruffling the voile as we made our love complete. Oh to have a DH who was never violent, who had a well paid job, because I am a GOOD person thus worthy of the affections of a DECENT and well paid man.

BHAHAHAHAAAAZA

Sorry for derail....but

My DS was born when I was 18 after a DOUBLE contraceptive failure (the pill injection AND a condom)

As a parent of young adults/teens this is so scary to hear. I have always told my kids to double up I am too young to be a granny I don't think they realise that there is always a risk

I feel so sorry for Mum's like that, because they are actually there looking after their children, taking flak from judgemental strangers. As long as someone is a good parent I don't care if they have a kid by each and every sexual partner. Feeling sorry for the kids would be unnecessary if it wasn't for the grown adults gossiping and bitching about their situation.

You could have a man with 8 kids by 6 women sitting next to you, and you wouldn't know, and wouldn't think to judge him because he just left them with their mothers.

Let's face it, MN judges ALL the time, in many, many different ways. It's because people have opinions on stuff.

My MIL has three children by three different fathers.

Her first husband died.
She met and married her second husband 6 years later, but that marriage didn't work out as he turned out not to be a very nice person.
Her third marriage lasted 40 years.

She never set out to have 3 husbands or 3 fathers to her children, thats just how it worked out.

Judgments are riduculous.

kate winslet is having 3rd child by 3rd husband and no ones judging her.

One of the things that is unrealistic about this is the implied sense that the woman who did whatever under "not ideal" circumstances should have just waited and things would have automatically become "more ideal". How? If you are working in a career, you might get a pay rise or be already earning enough to save; if you work in a job, you are living hand to mouth already so you may as well get on with it before there are even more cuts and while you are still young and resilient. If you have just met a lovely man (also with a career) you can wait until he is formally committed to you, and he has saved more money too, and he is even more emotionally involved with you. If you only somehow seem to meet erratic types (or are a poor judge of character, through no fault of your own - we only know what we have been placed in a position to learn) then it is a matter of chance whether he is going to turn into a paterfamilias, a disinterested lout, or an axe murderer, so if you wait you may be waiting for things to get worse not better. And you aren't getting any younger.

People are always dishing out judgements that purport to be about when other people can have children but are actually, when you get into the nitty gritty, who should have children, and how many they are "allowed".

I take this personally because I have two beloved dcs, the lights of my life, who have changed me and made me someone I never thought I could be. I had the first at 37 when some would say I was too old, I had them both unmarried (to the same man) and without owning any property, or having much in the way of savings (either of us) and in a rocky state of mental health (just me, dp is my robust hero). I couldn't see much of that changing for a variety of reasons and I wanted children and they are here and I am so lucky and I love them to pieces. So I am sensitive to people opining about who should have children when, because I wonder if they think the world would be a better place without mine.