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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children 4 dads

578 replies

fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:50

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

OP posts:
SecretWitch · 03/10/2013 23:27

Oldmac, you have lost the battle once you resort to disabilist name calling. Reasoned sensible arguement is one thing, abusive language is beyond the pale.

ExitPursuedByADragon · 03/10/2013 23:28

I prefer a bed.

Hellonewworld0 · 03/10/2013 23:28

Race comes into it because we get looks when we are out that all of my children look different and it is obvious that they are fathered by different men and somebody mentioned up thread that all her children may look different.

AmberLeaf · 03/10/2013 23:29

Randall, maybe it was because you mentioned spreadsheets?

I didn't think that was against the rules though, but Im sure that is what your deleted post was about. ?

usualsuspect · 03/10/2013 23:29
AmberLeaf · 03/10/2013 23:31

Amazed that Randalls post went pfft, but OldMacs disablist one is still there.

GangstersLoveToDance · 03/10/2013 23:31

I would probably look twice at your family. A family with a mixture of THREE different races is not something that you always see. It's not surprising that people's eyes are drawn to you, surely?

Still can't see how it's relative to the multiple dads thing.

cooeeyonlyme · 03/10/2013 23:31

I have a good friend who has 7 children by 6 dads. Two of the dads were brothers.
Who cares? I certainly don't. She's a good mum and what she does in the bedroom has sod all to do with me or anyone else.

HaroldLloyd · 03/10/2013 23:32

I... I... I just don't know what to say. My eyes!

This thread is shocking.

AmberLeaf · 03/10/2013 23:34

Still can't see how it's relative to the multiple dads thing

Because when there are different races involved it is more obvious that there is more than one Dad?

She wouldn't need to mention different Dads, people would see it...and some would judge.

RandallPinkFloyd · 03/10/2013 23:34

I only said it was a good one for updating the spreadsheet. No one actually has a spreadsheet do they? It's just a turn of phrase. I didn't name any names or anything.

And yet I still got nixed quicker than the god awful post that's still there!

I'm definitely sulking off now.

GangstersLoveToDance · 03/10/2013 23:35

Two of the dads were brothers. Who cares? I certainly don't.

I'll bet the kids will when they're old enough to understand that they are both siblings and cousins. That their dad is their brother or sisters uncle.

Still, what do the kids matter, eh?

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 23:35

I didn't think 'spreadsheet' post got deleted. I see them about here with no deletion.

CooCooCachoo · 03/10/2013 23:35

And yet still here Harold.......

AmberLeaf · 03/10/2013 23:36

Think Id sulk at that too.

Maybe MNHQ have fallen asleep now.

HaroldLloyd · 03/10/2013 23:36

Just about!

FreudiansSlipper · 03/10/2013 23:37

cooeey is your friend still on good terms with all her ex partners that she has children with

it is not always about judging but come on having children by two brothers is making a family dynamic complex regardless if you think she and they are wrong or right or she and they are all good parents

usualsuspect · 03/10/2013 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

cooeeyonlyme · 03/10/2013 23:42

Maybe so Gangster but what do you want me to do? Shun them?
Why is it always the mum who gets the crap? Why not the father?

Freud. Two of the fathers were one nighters. The rest see the children and pay for them.

I think it's sad how some woman can be so bitchy. These are children, innocent little kids.

FreudiansSlipper · 03/10/2013 23:44

no one is bitching about the children

people just expect adults to sometimes act in a more responsible manner

TheBigJessie · 03/10/2013 23:44

My god. Eurgh. This thread... Anyway I find the idea of calling someone 4x4 pretty repulsive.

I also feel disgusted at the idea of sneering at someone and basically publicising your opinion that their children shouldn't have been born. What kind of friends are these?

I'll admit, I'm a very judgmental person, but I judge on what's actually really happening, not fecking soundbites like "four kids by four dads". As covered in this thread, that sentence covers a multitude of different lives, some of which would even be good enough for the Daily Mail!

There's people who've only had children with each other (note the non-sexist phrasing there) who are utterly, terribly neglectful or worse to their children, and people in blended families who are brilliant parents.

I couldn't believe the nastiness about SP's mum. 3 men in over 20 years- that's very, very chaste!

GangstersLoveToDance · 03/10/2013 23:47

This thread is about women.

I would be of the same low opinion of a man who had 7 kids by 6 women and two of them sisters.

If this ^ example was given, I can just imagine the 'he should learn to keep it in his pants/wrap it up' comments that would follow.

When comparing, men get a MUCH rougher 'deal' in comparable situations - you don't get any 'Oh but he's a great dad' whining and constant excuses when it's a man who pops out a child every time he meets a new woman.

Lilka · 03/10/2013 23:47

I'm judging very much about some of the language on this thread

But not judgey at all about "4x4". Any number of reasons it could happen. And as one of 4 siblings myself, the arrival of a new sibling in no way harmed my life, any of the times I got a new sibling.

Relationship break ups can be harmful, but OP hasn't said anything about breap ups in her post, and even if she did, it's much better to break off a bad relationship than stay in one. And i also think calling someone a "bad mum" because of having "4x4" is crazy.

I get judged by judgey fuckers a lot, for no other reason than they see me around (but don't know me) and assume all sorts of things because I don't live in a very naice area, am a single mum, with three kids, one of whom has a "chavvy" (haha) name, who all look different, and have varying additional needs. Do i care? Not really. Judge away, feel free to assume all sorts of untrue things based on your own silly stereotypes.

cooeeyonlyme · 03/10/2013 23:48

She's a damn good mum. Her kids are loved and well cared for, isn't that all that matters?

AmberLeaf · 03/10/2013 23:49

If it was a man with 7 kids by 6 women, it is highly unlikely that he would be looking after them all...as the Mum in the OP is.

Think that is the difference.

I don't judge how a child came about, I think how they are parented is the important part.

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