Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children 4 dads

578 replies

fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:50

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

OP posts:
Thants · 03/10/2013 21:42

The posters who are judging her negatively why are you not blaming the fathers too? From the sounds of it this woman is the one actually caring for the children whereas the men create them and then are only fathers part time/not at all.

Dahlen · 03/10/2013 21:43

I suspect that in many cases, the parents who do make mistakes and deal with them probably raise better children than those who either deny responsibility or claim they haven't made them.

AKissIsNotAContract · 03/10/2013 21:44

SPs you don't have to justify your mums situation she's brought up a daughter who has compassion and understanding which is a lot more than some posters on this thread have

This ^^

DSM · 03/10/2013 21:45

Raisai... You are aware that you are completely bat shit crazy if you believe that, right?

Like, you must know that's bollocks? Please, god...

stormboysmum · 03/10/2013 21:45

Good for her. Lucky girls that she has found four men good enough to have kids with. There must have been a lot of love with all of them. Perhaps there will be a fifth!!??

Ragwort · 03/10/2013 21:46

Those of you who are so 'outraged' at some of the comments on this thread - would you genuinely be happy if this was your 27 year old daughter, with four children, from four different fathers (two of whom took no interest in their own chlldren), who has a 'rubbish job and earns rubbish money'?

Equally, how would you feel if your son was one of these fathers who just walked away from his responsibilities?

I have a son (no daughter) and I would be desperately unhappy if he grew up to think it was somehow acceptable to just get a woman pregnant and then walk away.

I am sure none of us want to hound this young woman, we all support her need (presumably) to accept benefits from the state - but what is wrong with trying to say that this is not the best start in life for these four young children, or indeed for the mother? Confused.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 21:46

I dont usually get wound up on MN but the twats on here have managed it.

jessieagain · 03/10/2013 21:47

I wouldn't judge her.

If her oldest is 10 it means she was 17 with her first and not many people successfully choose long term/life partners at 17.

If she is 27 with 3 children (pregnant with the 4th) and the children are between 10 and 3 it means that over a period of 7 years she had 3 different relationships. That really is not a lot, and fairly typical of those in their teens and 20s. Also if she is a good mother and they are happy, what is the problem?

mortuusUrsus · 03/10/2013 21:48

Yy Ragwort.

KirjavaTheCorpse · 03/10/2013 21:49

There's nothing wrong with saying that it's not ideal, and I very much doubt that it's what she set out for in life - but to call her a slut, an easy lay, a hive of STIs?

People have pointed out her receipt of benefits to top up her income as a factor in her apparently shit parenting.

I've never seen a thread like this on MN before.

DSM · 03/10/2013 21:49

Because, ragwort, WHY isn't it the best start in life?! Why is one family dynamic, one traditional ideal, one societally accepted model, better than another?

Who is to say the kids don't love it? As long as they have love and support, they are already in a better place than thousands of kids who have 3 siblings by the same father - when that father is abusive/negligent etc.

Maybe save your sorrow for those kids.

complexnumber · 03/10/2013 21:50

"3 men in 24 years."

Ooh! Well done her!

She still managed to have a total of 7 kids from loads of dads.

In my opinion bad planning is often bad parenting.

Or did she plan this many children?

I'm glad you see her as a good mum, how about your dad?

FreudiansSlipper · 03/10/2013 21:50

i do not really see it as a great situation and it makes life complicated

why do you need to have more children when life is probably quite complex as it is when you have two children with two different men, what is the need to have a large family this is a fair enough question

some other poster pointed out why are some women having large families, and also just as importantly men fathering children with a number of women. i think it is something to think about when contraception is better than it has ever been

i know mistakes happen ds was not planned but surely you take better precautions when you have been caught out

notthefirstagainstthewall · 03/10/2013 21:51

2 long term relationships in 10 years - Ermmm whats "long term" in your world then? It takes time to get over an ex. It takes time to find a new partner with or without children and hopefully it would take longer when you have to introduce them to your existing family.

2 planned pregnancies in 10 years - so assuming the first at 17 years old is one of the unplanned ones (hopefully) why would you "plan" another after the next relationship (and baby) didn't work out?

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 21:51

My bio dad signed me over to the man I call dad now. He pays for his children and they visit home every school holiday as he is in another country.

Its not loads of men its 3. I stated already that as far as I know only one was planned. Then again its not something I question.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 21:52

Visit him**

usualsuspect · 03/10/2013 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AdmiralData · 03/10/2013 21:54

Those of you without sin cast the first stone. Seriously.

mortuusUrsus · 03/10/2013 21:56

The ones who used the language you quoted are few and far between though. Why are those who don't think that the situation is great being lumbered in with the 'vile' shouts if there's "nothing wrong with saying it's not ideal"?

(Sorry for slow upkeep, thread is moving faster than me)

Lizzylou · 03/10/2013 21:57

Admiral, exactly.
Complex, stop being such a fucking bitch.

SecretWitch · 03/10/2013 21:57

SP, honey, your mam raised a bright funny woman. Never ever feel any deserves an explanation about your life or her choices...

jessieagain · 03/10/2013 21:58

Ragwort if she was my daughter I would be sad that she had missed out on experiencing a single/child free life as an adult. I would be sad that she had limited options for improving her job but I also would be glad and proud that she was a good mum.

But being 'sad' for her isn't judging her in a bad way. And what is done is done.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 21:59

Complex can say and ask what she wants. The things my mum has done for me and put her self through for us kids makes her the best parent whether me and my siblings all share a father or not.

Tuonz · 03/10/2013 22:00

Ananda would that be Bill Clinton of cigar sucking adultery and Bob Marley the violent father of up to 20 children.

I'm no saint, nor sheltered, but 4 children by four men in ten years suggests vulnerability or a chaotic love life.

I can only assume in a world where woman have so much control over their fertility and bodies this is a situation the OP's friend has chosen and is comfortable with regardless of her job.

Ragwort · 03/10/2013 22:01

DSM -we don't know the children in this particular situation; but I do know (from my voluntary work, over many years Grin) many children who grow up in families where there is no Dad around and yes, I do see a lot of damaged and unhappy children.

I also know from a situation very close to me of a young mum who has had two children from two different fathers, one child is now in care, no father has any interest in either child and the whole situation is pretty desperate.

Of course, in this particular situation the children might be completely happy and living fulfilled lives - the OP hasn't given us enough information - where is the OP by the way? - but in my obviously middle class and middle aged opinion, the fact that a 27 year old can have four different emotional & sexual relationships leading to four children, when by her own ommission she has a 'rubbish job with rubbish wages' does not fulfil me with confidence about this situation.

I would be happy to be proved wrong Smile.