Weddings abroad

[FreeWee]

Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?

Minesapintoftea, yes I said they should've told him about it being abroad before asking him to be best man

But I disagree about wedding costs being covered by guests because they simply don't have to accept! Nobody is forced to go to any wedding, ever, so even if you can get a better standard for less abroad it's irrelevant because guests are invited, not forced

Weddings are about the two people getting married, anything else surrounding a wedding is an added bonus and I think too many people get too carried away about it both from a bride and groom or guest perspective

Guests can say no, brides and grooms have to accept that

People hate talking about money. It's one of the taboos that fuels debt.

So the bride and groom can't afford the wedding they want in the UK so they are getting married abroad which will probably cost more overall due to travel and accommodation for guests but that's fine because they don't have to pay it.

I think it's bloody selfish to do that. Have the wedding you can afford that puts your guests out the least.

Most of our potential guests live in London so that's where we'll be having our wedding. Simple.

My uncle got married abroad and nobody from our family could afford to go although conveniently his wife's family could. He's rather under the thumb and we reckon she insisted on it because she knew we wouldn't be able to come.

we went abroad to get married but didnt invite or expect anyone to go with us. I wouldnt expect anyone to have to pay a fortune for the sake of seeing us get married.

Getting married abroad is fine if you don't expect guests, or have a small number (such as close family) and know that cost won't exclude them. Otherwise you put people into a difficult position.

My friend had to miss his sister's Las Vegas wedding as the cost was unjustifiable. He comes from a small family and the only one not able to go, which I thought was pretty tough. They spent as much on the after party as they could have on a reception anyway, so no cost saving to the couple.

I just remembered that when my sister got married (normal wedding reception in nice city centre hotel), the day after when it came to checking out, there were a few of the wedding guests hanging out in reception, chatting and settling their room bill. BIL was a bit taken aback to have his mum take him aside to say that some uncle or other couldn't really pay his bill and as she is a widow she couldn't either. So BIL, having paid a fortune for the venue, meal, drinks etc for everyone was then forced to pay the room bill of some random uncle that could easily stayed in a nearby travelodge instead! He was really dropped in it and I don't think dsis and BIL were impressed! Some people are just twats.

Curlyhair...the OP stated in a previous post that the accommodation was hired as an exclusive venue and for the guests the B&G have halved the cost of the venue and divided that by the number of rooms which is 5. Half of a whole is 50% and 50% divided by 5 is 10%. If you look at the OP's own example figures she stated the cost as say £1000 but guests occupying the rooms have been asked to pay only £100, again a 10% figure. Where does the maths not add up? So the guests are being subsidised by the B&G and are not being expected to pay £200 for each room. Most venues especially when it's an intimate venue have no problem getting fully booked by the wedding party

It's really a moot point that the venue is exclusively hired and I think that is what is side-tracking the OP. I imagine they are giving parents and best man/bridesmaids first refusal but perhaps the OP should give it a miss as it's becoming such a sore point with her

I think there is a subtle difference between a place where you can hire a venue and rooms separately and one where the venue is the whole package.

In the former case there is the transparency, the venue costs x amount to hire which the B&G pay and the rooms cost y amount which the guests pay.

If a venue costs x amount in total though who decides what proportion of that is for the venue and should be paid for by the B&G and what proportion is for the rooms and to be covered by the guests?

I'd hazard a guess that in the UK venue hire is considerably more than the amount spent by guests on accommodation so not the 50/50 being mentioned here.

OP Have you told your friends you can't go yet? I think the sooner the better. They don't sound as if they will get hints if they can't see the fact you currently have no income coming in.

Just tell them! Text them today and get it all over with.

OP, I think you're over-thinking this because you want to stay friends. Your best hope is for DH to send them a very clear email spelling out just this, however you phrase it: "You are great friends and I am so happy about your wedding. And I really, really felt proud you asked me to be best man. But I have to tell you I just cannot afford to fly to X and pay all the hotel costs, so we cannot come to the wedding. We hope you will understand and will still love us and be our friends. It kills me to say this but you'll have to ask someone else to be your best man. When you get back from the honeymoon come round to us for an extra celebration."

If they're friends, they may be annoyed at first but they will get it. If they don't get it, well, either eventually they grow up or you might as well lose their friendship now. Sad but true. Just be polite, warm and loving, and clear. Don't forget clear.

Queen that was pretty much my thought when I started this thread. It's cheaper for them who can't afford UK but much much more expensive for us who can't afford abroad, this year because of our circumstances which I think they're oblivious too. Although of course they know DH is a full time student for a year and I'm on mat leave I don't think they understand the implications of it.

ILikeBirds yes I feel there's a difference too. When I started I was having a bit of a whinge that they'd complained they couldn't afford UK so were doing it abroad. I'm sure exclusive use of the kind of venue they're hiring would be a lot more in the UK. But looking on the Internet I can't find a 'room only' cost off this place. The whole thing needs to be hired. But it says how many rooms and doing a bit of a conversion from € to £ within a couple of hundred £ the 4 couples (other than the b&g) will be paying 40% of the cost to hire the WHOLE thing (other room paid for by b&g) So it feels as though essentially we're subbing the venue hire cost. In the UK you'd hire a hotel for (say) £2k then guests pay (say) £100 per room. The hire costs are fixed and separate and not shared amongst guests. Imagine hiring this hotel for £2k and inviting 100 people. 50 decide to book rooms in the hotel so you charge them £120 per room to recoup 50% of your hotel hire. Except a guest checks online and wonders why the Internet rate is £100 but they're being charged £120. And they find out it's so the b&g don't have to pay the full hotel hire cost. That's what it feels like. I may be comparing apples with oranges in which case I'm happy to have it pointed out to me I've got it wrong. I'd like to feel better about the whole thing and not feel diddled but at the moment I do.

DH is meeting groom for a drink this week prearranged for general reasons so I've asked him to raise it with him. I'm afraid no amount of MN telling him to grow a backbone and do it directly will actually make it happen. He will do it in his own way because that's the friendship they have. I'm direct with my friends and we know where we all stand but that's not how he operates. If no headway is being made when I see the bride next I will raise it with her more directly. Along the lines of: "Thank you for your text invitation. Sorry we haven't responded but we really can't see a way of affording it and wanted to exhaust all possible options before we said no. When DH agreed to be groom's best man we understood it was going to be in the UK. Now you've booked the venue abroad the reality is sinking in. I'm on mat leave till next year, DH is studying till after the wedding. By next summer we just can't see how we'll be able to afford to go abroad."

free, if your DH doesn't deliver, your response is pretty much spot on with the exception of the last sentance.

That does sound like you are trying to emotionally blackmail them.

Drop the 'we just can't see how we'll be able to afford to go abroad' and replace it with 'we just can't afford to go abroad'

They are taking the piss. You are quite justified in being annoyed that

a) they are asking their guests to subsidise their wedding (because which ever way you look at it, they are financially benefitting from this arrangement) and

b) they don't have enough empathy, or indeed common sense, to see you can't afford it in your situation.

Don't sink to their level by actually asking them or even hinting to them about paying for you.

They have had no qualms about asking you to stump up the cash, if they don't have the good grace to offer a solution to this situation, at least you come out with your head held high and knowing you didn't stoop to their level.

Ok, having read your last post free I do agree in this instance they are asking you to subsidise the venue hire, which isn't fair

If you have a wedding abroad imo guests should have the option of where they stay and how long for, specifying an accommodation cost and length of stay is ridiculous

What you need to remember is that they can afford a wedding here just not the one they wanted. Get your DH to lay it on thick with the groom. I'm sure he isn't being a groomzilla.

I got engaged a month ago and found a hotel straight away that would do the whole wedding shebang for a grand if I booked before the end of January. This is in London too.

I'll say it again: they can afford a UK wedding, just not the one the want.

Queenstromba I disagree about the whole not being able to afford a wedding here concept, maybe got this couple it's true, but we could've afforded a wedding here, just didn't want one, we wanted something small, in the sun, and not to spend money on a wedding we could better spend elsewhere

People don't always want a big wedding, lots of guests, etc cirrelevant of cost

If someone is asked to be best man at a wedding abroad, the very least the bride & groom to be should do is pay for his travel and accommodation costs. End of.
Your dh should not feel compelled to go, especially if they're not stumping up the cash for him to attend. Let them choose some other mug to join in their 'special day'.
Am sick to death of some people thinking their wedding is 'their day', as in their needs come before their guests. These kind of people should bugger off and get on with 'their day' alone.

But it is their day.
The b&g should have the day they can/ want.
I don't agree that hey are expecting guests to subsidise their venue costs, other than in relation to the points I've already made about destination weddings. Free has looked online but not had talks with the venue so her knowledge about how the costs are divided up is limited.
I do think it's a bit self absorbed to "host" a wedding that is very expensive for guests. Destination weddings usually fit that description IMO. I think there is something über cheeky about assuming ppl will give over their precious holiday time (never holiday with friends) and hard earned cash for their wedding. But I don't think that means that the B&G should change their plans or pay for guests' accommodation. They just need to accept that lots of ppl can't or won't go.

And i think there's a bit of bitching about the bride/ defending the groom with the assumption she's a massive bridezilla and he's a poor hen -pecked innocent who would be oh -so reasonable if it weren't for his awful, selfish btb. Not sure that's fair.

Why is this becoming such an issue?

You can't afford to go - just decline the invitation, with apologies from your DH for not being able to be Best Man.

Most people getting married would not give this much thought to one couple attending their wedding, they have got 101 other things to think about and your friends can find another Best Man.

Don't let this cause you so much anxiety.

I wouldn't say anything about them changing location. Just say neither of your have any money coming in and you can't afford it. It's okay not to be able to afford things. People are so driven to put on a brave face in front of other people, that they end up with this sort of stress.

OP, the other thing is your DH needs to tell his friend promptly that you can't go to the wedding. The groom needs to think about the implications of that, including asking another best man (who might also need to save up for travel costs). That's not something to sit on until further along the track.

YANBU to be upset you cannot afford to go and YANBU to decline the invitation, despite your dh being best man and a close friend, in the circumstances of this thread.

YABVVVVVVVU to not tell them asap if you are not going and making it far more likely that there will be a big fall out. Because if you only tell it to them straight a couple of months before the wedding they might not be able to fill the other room as other guests might not be able to save up the money in time. And another close friend who decides not to go to a wedding abroad but who might have been persuaded if they were best man doesn't have things to save either.

If the bride and groom are going to be unreasonable about this then they will be whenever you tell them. Pussy footing around won't make them more likely to understand it and you will get more and more stressed that you feel they should understand your circumstances and see what you are trying to say without saying it. That is you being unreasonable - if they have never been in your set of circumstances abs you've previously enjoyed holidays like this they might presume you can still afford it with savings and this presumption is not unreasonable if you've not told them you can't!

If they get stroppy this week at being told you can't afford it so won't be able too come then they are totally out of order.But they are not being unreasonable to be angry with you if you mess them about on this when you know now you can't afford it. If you only tell them straight in a few months they are NOT bring bridezilla and groomzilla if they are extremely cross with you

Yes, cross posted with families who said what I did much more succinctly!

People who do the softly softly thing think they are bring nice by not being upfront and in your face. Actually they are causing much more problems by expecting people to just know what they are not saying.

Can't you see how out of order you are being but addressing it like this?

And actually I had what you might term a wedding like this is the UK. Our venue could only be hired by paying for exclusive use for 24 hours. It included a number of bedrooms that had to each be paid for under the terms of hire. They cost about £100 each and these costs were listed if anyone wanted to check. But actually if everyone had declined staying in them then we would have had to pay.

We gave first refusal to family, bridesmaids, best man and ushers. And included info on cheaper local hotels they could choose if they preferred. If they had said 'no thanks' we would have said 'no problem' and asked someone else. Ultimately if we'd had to pay we would have done so and not made anyone feel awkward about it. And we did pay for the usher who came from overseas.

As it happened everyone we asked said yes. But I certainly didn't see this as subbing the venue hire. The venue your friends are using might have broken costs down in the same way hence your friends pricing the rooms like this. They all needed to pay for accommodation anyway. But I don't think its different for a wedding abroad. Yes, the costs are higher for guests, but its still only an invitation that you are not forced to accept.

Your dh is going to have t grow a backbone & decline.

An invite is just that, an invitation. It's not an expectation.