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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings abroad

285 replies

FreeWee · 02/10/2013 18:05

Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?

OP posts:
diddl · 05/10/2013 08:22

OOh-don't go already!!

But if the venue includes rooms, I do think that the B&G should just be paying it all tbh.

But really OP-don't go!

If it's too much hassle/expense, whatever-just say no!

Mimishimi · 05/10/2013 08:24

Don't go and then it's not expensive. The bridal party can't really complain since it was thrir decision. Problem solved.

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 08:59

Free I agree with Baking about the cost division tbh.
I do understand that destination weddings are proportionately more expensive for guests than "home" weddings. and that can be unfair.
I think you and your dh are expecting the B&G to pay for your accommodation and that is not reasonable IMHO.
This wedding doesn't suit you. it's too expensive.

I went to a wedding when my ds was about 8 mo. "no kids" invite. It was awful for me. I left him (for the first time) with someone for the day and collected him later and stayed in a hotel with him and dh. It was a major upheaval for me. I resented leaving him (childcare is a big big issue for us) I resented the hoops I had to jump through for that day's care, I resented staying stone cold sober all fucking day (still bf and then driving) and watching my dh having "all the fun".
I shouldn't have gone. I should have stayed home with my ds and watched tv and drank tea in my pjs.
Just saying.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 05/10/2013 09:04

Baking addict; your maths is faulty. You say you pay 100% of the accommodation cost. Presumably that means for one room. But you worked out the OP's as 50% divided by the number of rooms, and claim they are therefore only paying 10% of the accommodation costs. If YOU stayed in a hotel that had 100 rooms you wouldn't add up the total of what 100 rooms cost and then claim you were paying for 1% of that for your room so you had a great deal - you said yourself that you pay 100% of the cost, and the 100% refers to ONE ROOM. Other people 's rooms are not your concern where cost is worked out and neither should it be for the OP.

Bearbehind · 05/10/2013 09:41

The B&G absolutely are passing in the costs to their guests.

They have chosen a venue that, for arguments sake, costs £10k. If they don't fill the 5 rooms, they'll have to pay the lot.

That is not the same as a wedding in a hotel where guests can stay if they want and if they don't the rooms will be sold to non-guests.

This couple are insisting that at least 5 couples shell out 10% of the costs of the wedding venue and stay for 1 week in a place with nothing else to do- how is that being considerate of their guests?

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 09:53

I see what you are saying.
But the guests will always have to pay for travel and accommodation.
Should the B&G pay for the guests to stay at the hotel? Is that really reasonable?
They've gotta stay somewhere.

Mrsc020987 · 05/10/2013 09:58

I got married abroad, mostly to get away from certain people who would have had to have been invited if here, we never expected anyone to come, we never invited just openly said to all family if you can make it we would love you to be there, needless to say the people we were running away from turned up!!

Original poster
FreeWee · 05/10/2013 10:06

Bear that is kind of how I'm feeling but am prepared to be told by others including real that I'm being unreasonable as I'm equally being as selfish as the b&g. They're thinking about their wedding and their finances and I'm thinking about my family and our finances. Someone says earlier that there's a natural conflict here and they can see both points of view as can I. We're both in the right and in the wrong to an extent. They can have whatever wedding they like. However, right now that happens to be incompatible with our finances. It's also in a place we'd never choose to go on holiday but that would be less of an issue if money wasn't so tight and we'd be able to suck up spending money to stay somewhere we don't really want to be because it's for them. Then spend money for us somewhere else. I'm hoping once they are subtly (ha!) told by my DH about what a stretch it will be they may offer to cover our accommodation costs. If they don't I will have a word with the bride and make it clear we are going to be broke by next summer and well, I guess take it from there!

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 05/10/2013 10:10

threal, if it were a UK wedding the guests might be able to drive or even walk to the venue. If they need to stay over they can chose accommodation within their price bracket and chose the duration of their stay.

In this situation both the accommodation and duration has been specified in order to reduce the b & g's overall cost and that's not on.

How would it work if all the other guests said they would only stay for the night before and night after the wedding? Would they still be charged £1,000 each? You could stay in a pretty posh hotel for £500 per night fir the 2 nights elsewhere (I know the figures are notional but the principle is the same)

I think if you go down the route of insisting that people stay in a specific place because that is part of the conditions of you hiring the venue, you should pay for it. If the guests are free to make their own choices on where to stay and how long for then that's fine.

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 10:11

You're not being unreasonable to think it's inconsiderate of them to expect you to spend so much money going to their wedding.
But I think it's unreasonable to expect them to pay for you.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 05/10/2013 10:12

Freewee, it's a bit irrelevant how they are splitting the costs of the venue, as it's the cost of everything that is the problem.

The key issue is what you have posted:

"for the next year money is tight for us and expects us to attend a wedding abroad with all its associated costs in a place we wouldn't choose to go on holiday even if we had the money, which we don't, which will end up costing us even more if we choose to try and make a holiday of it and stay elsewhere for a week (not her problem but might have been foreseen perhaps when realising this venue will have nothing for a 18 month old"

That's what your problem is, not if it's good etiquette or not for the couple to expect guests to pay for accomodation. If I were you I would stop worrying about the details and focus on the big picture. They are getting married abroad. They want your DH to be best man. You can't afford it. So don't go already. Just tell em

"Thank you so much for your invite. Unfortunately we are unable to attend as we simply cannot afford the cost of going abroad. I'm sure you will appreciate that if there was any way at all we could afford to make it happen, we would.

Dh is very sorry that due to the circumstances he cannot be your best man. We wish you all the very best and want to invite you round before or after the special event so we can celebrate with you in a way that will not bankrupt us. "

Love Mr & Mrs Freewee

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 10:14

Yes, it removes the choice and it s expensive for guests. I can see both sides here.
I wouldn't go. I think it's an unreasonable cost.

diddl · 05/10/2013 10:14

If the venue includes rooms-what if all guests decide to sort out their own accommodation?

The B&G pay it all!

I think it's a cheek to tell people where to stay & how much to spend doing it!

OP-I really do think that you should just say no-can't afford it.

Don't drop hints-just say it!

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 10:15

What original said

theoriginalandbestrookie · 05/10/2013 10:16

Sorry freewee just saw your post. I didn't say you were being as selfish as the b&g ( that would take some doing), I'm just saying that it's almost as poor etiquette to hint and speculate about getting accomodation paid for as it is to have a destination wedding without considering the budget of your guests.

Bottom line is if people are having a wedding abroad they must accept that some people cannot afford to come. They should accept this with good grace.

You simply cannot start dropping subtle asides about getting your room paid for. You either can afford it and you go, or you don't. Simples.

Bearbehind · 05/10/2013 10:18

free I know others have said it but your DH really needs to tell his mate this weekend that you can't afford it.

They have behaved badly by inviting you by text and assuming you will pay their quoted price, but, if you say nothing, it's not unreasonable for them to assume you will be doing it and it's not really fair to let them continue thinking that.

It's not a situation to be subtle in, there is no half way house. You won't have the money to do it without leaving your family short.

Don't hint or pussyfoot around- just tell them or suck it up. Anything in between will drive you mad between now and the wedding.

sooperdooper · 05/10/2013 10:23

We got married abroad, our wedding costs weren't coveted by our guests and I never understand that argument against weddings abroad? We paid for the wedding, they were invited, they could come or not come, end of story

Its an invitation, nobody ever has to go to a wedding, I'm the Uk or anywhere else, adults can turn down the invitation easy enough!!

Different story if the bride and groom get narky if people don't go, but we said upfront if it's just us what the hell, we just want to get married and if anyone wants to come that's up to them

I think people get far too emotional about other peoples weddings, go or don't go, no big deal

sooperdooper · 05/10/2013 10:24

Oh and we never told anyone where to stay or for how long, if they wanted a holiday around our wedding that was all up to them

sooperdooper · 05/10/2013 10:28

I missed your lady post there free, I don't see why they should cover your costs, just say no you can't afford it - same as for a uk wedding you might not be able to afford, you don't have to go

theoriginalandbestrookie · 05/10/2013 10:28

Different scenario though sooperdooper.

OPs DH has been asked to be best man, presumably said yes I'd be honoured, then got dropped with the bombshell that it was going to cost them thousands to go.

sooperdooper · 05/10/2013 10:39

So he can still say no, the groom will have to find another best man, I think this is being blown out of all proportion

Yes it's nice to be asked to be best man but it's not the end of the world to say actually now we realise it's abroad we can't come

The bride and groom should've told people upfront it was abroad before asking people to be involved but maybe they didn't know? Anyway, had it been us and someone had said no we'd have just said no problem and they should do the same

MinesAPintOfTea · 05/10/2013 10:40

sooper the argument about wedding costs being covered by the guests is that if you can get the same standard of reception for much less cost by going outside the UK then you save money. If the guests then have to spend £££ to attend the wedding then money has not been saved by the whole group.

And inviting someone to be best man then after he accepts dropping a £££ bombshell on him when he has a child and his household isn't earning is just unfair.

hermioneweasley · 05/10/2013 10:49

OP, agree with all the others saying why on earth are you planning to do all this hint dropping. Just get DH to tell his friend that you can't afford to come. The friend decides whether or not to pay for you all to come. Simple.

"mate, I was honoured to be asked to be your best man and I accepted when u thought it was in the UK and with maternity leave and me studying and paying fees, we just can't afford it. I'm sorry"

nkf · 05/10/2013 10:55

An invitation is one thing. Easily refused with polite thanks. But getting out of being best man requires more of a conversation.

Threalamandaclarke · 05/10/2013 10:59

So have the conversation.