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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings abroad

285 replies

FreeWee · 02/10/2013 18:05

Is it just me or are they an excuse to shift the cost of a wedding onto the guests, away from the hosts, the bride and groom? DH is best man at one next year, chosen because the bride and groom can't afford a wedding in the UK apparently. But we can't really afford to go abroad with our DD when DH will have been in full time education for a year. AIBU?

OP posts:
Threalamandaclarke · 06/10/2013 09:13

Is DH "dithering" because he doesn't want to upset them/ be seen as the bad guy? Or because he's hoping they'll offer to pay and he's struggling to accept the truth of your current finances?
Good luck anyway.

MollyWhuppie · 06/10/2013 10:56

OP we were in a similar situation this year - DH asked to be an usher abroad. They wanted the wedding party to stay in the venue for the whole week along with children for those who had them.

Our children are pre school age and the wedding was scheduled to be in the summer holidays so we were unable to take advantage of one of the last years we could benefit from holidaying in term time and the cost was extortionate. The only way we could afford to go was if we made it our family holiday, otherwise our children wouldn't have had a holiday with us this year if we had gone by ourselves for the weekend.

Once we had agreed to go, it turned out children wouldn't be welcome at the wedding itself (we had no problem with this in itself) but that we would have to fork out the best part of £200 for them to go in a mobile crèche! (Which turned out to be a hideous set up) DH then was told he would need to pay for a bespoke suit to wear on the day! We sucked it up but it did leave a sour taste to be honest. It wasn't what we would have chosen for a family holiday.

In hindsight I wish we had travelled to the wedding destination for a couple of nights only, stayed locally in a b&b and then buggered off elsewhere for our family time!

If I were you I would make sure you are aware of all associated costs, as with the one we went to the costs just kept spiralling and we didn't have any choice but to pay once we were committed. Oh and the groom had an expensive stag do abroad too! Just beware!

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/10/2013 11:04

Weddings abroad are only fine when the guests can all travel easily and their costs are met by the B&G.

Anything else is putting costs on the guests simply because the B&G want a better wedding. Its costs about £60 for a wedding service in the UK, anything on top of that is essentially just a party. Its the vows that make a marriage.

NachoAddict · 06/10/2013 11:28

It seems that your dp really wants to ho to the wedding. Would you be so adamant you couldn't afford it if it were your best friend? I can understand not wanting to shell out, especially when it would be difficult but if you would do it for your best friend you have to take your dps wishes into consideration.

I know you said dp couldn't gi alone but I must have missed why? Perhaps he could travel alone and just stay the night before and the the night of the wedding. If he us driving he would have the car anyway.

MissBattleaxe · 06/10/2013 13:33

Nacho- the whole point of the thread is not about not WANTING to go, it's about the fact that they do not have the money even if they really wanted to go.

OP is on mat leave and her DH is currently a student with no income.

MissBattleaxe · 06/10/2013 13:58

Also nacho- the venue is in the middle of nowhere, is abroad, and entails a flight so I don't think just staying one night is an option.

NachoAddict · 06/10/2013 14:44

Fair enough if they genuinely cant afford it, its just the op has said several times that they will be going so they must be able to afford it at a push. Its just not ideal and not they could do without it.

Original poster
FreeWee · 06/10/2013 18:11

We genuinely can't afford it but we do have credit cards. Do we want to use them? Not really but their decision to have their wedding abroad next summer is unbelievably bad timing. The year after we'd probably be able to providing DH gets a job at the end of his studying. It's just this year and I don't think the b&g appreciate that.

My best friend's hen do was extortionate. Her friend kept asking for more and more (over £300 for 3 nights in UK) till I said "Look is there any cost cutting to be done here like cava instead of champagne?" I was met with hostility (not by my BF; she knew nothing) but clearly having pondered my suggestions the friend reimbursed everyone over £100 (can't remember exactly but a fair whack) as she hadn't spent quite as much as anticipated. So I know what asking somebody directly can't get you but that's not my DH's way with his BF of almost 30 years. I'll leave it to him for the time being and respect his way of doing things. But knowing the bride she'll want an answer and cut out the middle men by coming to me. I will respond along the lines as I set out above, taking care to word it so I don't emotionally blackmail her.

My DP could go alone but the room cost will be the same regardless but we would save on flights. Same hire car cost though which is essential as it's very remote. We're hoping instead to make the most of it and have a family holiday potentially by hiring somewhere on the coast with another couple who have a young child. That would save loads. Flights are with low cost airline as for once the fact they fly to airports in the middle of nowhere is a bonus! I'm doing lots of research into the cost and working out what we can put on card. I would be happy not going but I can see it ruining the friendship so we have to talk to them about it, laying all our (credit) cards on the table, so to speak Grin

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/10/2013 18:34

'We genuinely can't afford it but we do have credit cards. Do we want to use them? Not really but their decision to have their wedding abroad next summer is unbelievably bad timing.'

Any friend with whom a relationship would be ruined over your not getting into debt for their wedding isn't worth having.

I count going into debt over going to a friend's wedding abroad up there with one of the stupidest financial decisions you can make (along with loaning money to friends or family with no written contract, going into debt/'loaning' money to a boy or girlfriend and various other completely brainless things to do), but hey, it's your neck not mine.

You'll go and do it anyhow because you are these peoples' doormats, and from the sound of it (the best friend's hen do), other peoples', too.

MissBattleaxe · 06/10/2013 18:39

If the friendship would be ruined by you not being financially able to attend their extravagant wedding, then it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with.

Just because a friendship is 30 years old, it doesn't make the friend a force who must be obeyed.

What kind of friend would do this to you? I would be mortified if anyone went into debt over my wedding for fear of pissing me off.

Never mind trying to keep the bride and groom sweet- what are they doing to show consideration for YOU and your family?

nkf · 06/10/2013 19:36

Please don't consider using credit cards to finance a trip to somebody else's jamboree. Just don't. It would be madness.

nkf · 06/10/2013 19:39

I see you are considering using a credit card. Seriously? One of you is a student and the other is on maternity leave. And you are considering going into debt for a holiday to someone else's wedding. I wouldn't even go into debt for my own wedding. You cannot afford to do this thing. If you are using credit cards, then you cannot afford to do it. The bloody things should be called debt cards because that is what they are.

bigknickersforthepicker · 06/10/2013 19:47

I think you need to figure cost of you all going plus this extra stay with another couple Hmm

and him going alone.

im just confused. . you can't afford to go..but are finding ways to go but adding extra financial commitment by adding a family holiday on to it!?

I think the price between saving on flights and outfits and food etc if dh goes alone will be enough to justify not going if you guys are really that hard up this year.

MissBattleaxe · 06/10/2013 20:11

OP, this may not be the case, but it sounds like you and DH are scared of the bride and groom.

Why? They can't force you to afford something.

Ragwort · 06/10/2013 22:28

Agree with MissBattleaxe - surely you just explain that you can't afford it, you are mad to consider using credit cards.

Why is it proving so hard for you to decline gracefully, you are allowing yourselves to be bullied into something that is clearly very, very difficult for you.

sooperdooper · 06/10/2013 22:59

If you can't afford it don't go, if they're real friends they'll understand, putting it in credit cards is stupid, why can't you just say no, I don't see why that's so difficult

sooperdooper · 06/10/2013 23:01

It almost sounds like you want to stretch yourselves by putting it on credit cards, so you can complain about how unreasonable they are to have a wedding abroad

MissBattleaxe · 06/10/2013 23:04

OP, you posted this thread on Wednesday and it's now Sunday.

I can't believe you haven't phoned/rung them/texted/emailed/visited them to say "Look, we really can't come. It's not because we don't want to, it's because we simply can't. Sorry. Hope we can celebrate with you some other way"

Close discussion. Do not let them plead or cajole. You can't do it. End of story.

Bearbehind · 06/10/2013 23:18

It seems to be becoming increasingly obvious how this will transpire.

The best man doesn't have the balls to say 'no'.

The OP won't actually say no for fear of the 'boys' relationship.

OP and her husband will spend money they can't afford on subsidising their 'friends' wedding.

She'll quietly fume about it forever more.

It won't occur to her husband to be annoyed because it was better than dealing with the situation head on.

Bridezilla will win the day.

OP will wonder why others find this kind of behaviour unacceptable when in fact she has enabled it.

Loopylala7 · 06/10/2013 23:26

We've been to one or two abroad weddings, the first was European. We got a budget airline and cheap hotel the other side and decided to stay on a few days as our annual holiday, was great fun and didn't resent the cost, as actually cost not much more than a 2 night stay in a British hotel when we've had to travel to a friends wedding across the uk. The other was a lot further afield, BUT it somewhere DH and I had always wanted to visit, so used it as an excuse to go there. We knew far in advance, saved like mad, no Xmas/birthday presents and we had a week there, great fun again. I think you should look at it as an excuse for a holiday. No child abroad weddings can be problematic though, had one this year, DH's friend. Had we been able to go for 2 nights, wouldn't of minded, but flights were 4 nights apart, and DC is still young, so he went, I stayed at home.

sooperdooper · 06/10/2013 23:30

Bearbehind, I can't see how the bride is bridezilla, if the OP and her Dh haven't got the guts to just say no it's hardly her fault

I think the same as you apart from that , they seem to want to purposefully put themselves in debt, which they'll stew over for years and secretly resent the other couple when in actual fact they have the opportunity just not to go

M10s · 07/10/2013 00:37

Just wondering. A remote venue, in the summer (so presumably warm weather) and you are hiring a vehicle. Could you camp? (Right outside the venue maybe, so you could make use of all it's facilities Grin ). I know you intend to fly, so wouldn't want to be taking a tent, but in many countries it's possible to hire camping equipment. Or perhaps it would be within your holiday budget to hire a campervan, instead of a car.

Threalamandaclarke · 07/10/2013 04:52

There must be more to this than meets the eye.
I agree it's madness to gointo debt for a wedding. Especially someone else's. If you are worried about falling out with the B&G then you might want to consider that it's almost inevitable if you spend money you don't have on attending their nuptials.
Even if your DH manages to manipulate the B&G into paying for the room there will still be flights to pay for.
Sorry. I don't mean to sound rude bt he or both of you are in denial about your situation.

Original poster
FreeWee · 07/10/2013 07:25

I actually agree with all the comments above and am happy to accept that using our credit cards is a stupid thing to do, but it seems inevitable to enable us to attend. I do understand all the 'don't go' comments but that's not an option. I know I'm going to get replies saying it is, but it's not. It just isn't. And all along this thread I've made it clear we're going. Just a bit peeved the b&g booked abroad because they couldn't afford UK at a time when we can't afford abroad. Debt for someone else's wedding is stupid but it's a 0% one and we're budgeting to pay it off by the end of the period, providing (& this is the dangerous bit) by DH gets a job within 3 months of finishing studying. I wouldn't say we're scared of the b&g but it's a long standing friendship which my DH wouldn't rock the boat of. The bride does like things her own way (who doesn't with a wedding?) but even she's surpassed herself with this one. DH is meeting his friend this week face to face so seemed better to give the information that way rather than a text.

And I know I'm being precious but I can't stand camping nor can my DH so whilst that is technically an option, with an 18 month old I'd really rather not. We're adding extra financial commitment because we'd like our DD to have a lovely time abroad for her first holiday. Hire car and flights will be pretty much the same it'll just be accommodation, which we're hoping to share, and food, which if we go self catering we can try and do as cheaply as at home.

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 07/10/2013 07:36

That's a big if - do you know how many thousands of graduates are on the dole just now? Hmm

Either way I think you have to let the b&g know that things are very tight but you're stretching yourself because you love them.

That way, when the "just a weekend" stag/hen dos are organised and you really can't go to them, they'll know why. Or if you don't give a present. Or if you don't book for the "night before" lavish dinner. And so on.