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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
FarOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2013 09:39

The* not huge !

OP posts:
FarOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2013 15:04

I got some legal advice regarding DD and it was very helpful, has made me a little nervous though. I don't want thinks to go that far

OP posts:
Ledkr · 04/10/2013 15:43

What was that? Knowledge is power and power will give you back your dignity.

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/10/2013 15:51

The thing is, things may go that far whether you want them to or not. You are not the unreasonable one in this situation, and it's a good idea to arm yourself against your unreasonable ex. If it can all calm down and get worked out amicably that's great and the ideal scenario.

But you need to know how to protect yourself if and when you need to - for instance, how to prevent him taking the shared furniture away, how to stop his parents evicting you, etc. Make sure you have a contingency plan for every scenario if you can. Have you posted in legal for advice there?

FarOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2013 16:09

I'm worried that he's going to come out with all sorts of lies to make me look bad. The solicitor gave me some things to think about before he next comes to see DD and if I should allow her too with him but if I don't it's going to start a huge snowball that I want to try and avoid.

OP posts:
FarOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2013 16:10

I haven't posted in legal, I've done so before and got a little bashed about us not having rights but responsibilities and I can't stop that and it kind of got off the topic and I don't want to stop him having her but it went the wrong way and I'm abit hesitant about going back there

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 04/10/2013 20:26

I know, it's very annoying when people just want to jump up on their soap-boxes instead of offering constructive advice or just leaving the thread. But legal might be useful for your housing situation?

As far as access goes, if he is a competent father you do have to separate that from the situation between the two of you and work out a fair access agreement - as hard as that can be when everything is raw. But I'm sure you know that anyway.

FarOverTheRainbow · 05/10/2013 08:07

I can't understand why I feel constantly nervous and on edge Sad

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 05/10/2013 08:57

You've had a big shock and are probably still full of adrenalin. If its a big problem, get to your GP, they can help you, but it will pass given time. Feeling secure in your own home through taking legal action and ultimately finding a separate home your in-laws don't contol will probably help as well.

Ledkr · 05/10/2013 09:08

It's anxiety caused by too much adrenaline as I drs fined up thread. If you can go for a brisk walk it will help but as mines says if its bad see your gp.
It's the most horrible feeling though I remember it well.
Do you find it's worse early morning?
Do you have plans for the weekend?

FarOverTheRainbow · 05/10/2013 15:44

Yeh it is worse early in the morning why?
Yeh got plans most the weekend. Had a really nice busy day out today and my mums staying with me again so hopefully keep my occupied

OP posts:
Ledkr · 05/10/2013 18:48

You are getting there see!
It's worse early morning cos the hormone which fights anxiety switches off overnight so you can sleep.
That's a very simple way to explain it but It helped me to understand why I felt so bad.
You have your whole life ahead of you, it's quite exciting when you think about it.

FarOverTheRainbow · 05/10/2013 18:58

At least that kind of explains why I feel nervous every morning. I'm so lucky I've got a great group of family and friends. I still feel like I can cry alot but I'm trying to move away from them thoughts because the situation is out of my control. I wouldn't say I think of it as exciting but I'm trying to be positive about the future. I'm
Worried though that however I manage to sort my head out will just make me go back to square one when its time to pack up and move out Hmm

OP posts:
Ledkr · 05/10/2013 20:39

No you won't you will keep growing now.
I was seriously so bad when my ex left.
4 kids one a baby, if had a mastectomy for breast cancer had a really crappy hours job, big mortgage it was awful.
I sat on my kitchen floor and couldn't get up.
I chain smoked and drank wine. I was rubbish.
It took a few months and good pals but I had a ball.
I settled into being single again quite quickly and felt quite proud of myself.
My friends and I pulled together shared babysitters for nights out and had sleepovers with the kids.
We even went in holidays together.
I did eventually meet someone else so much better than my ex but I don't regret a thing.
You are going to be fine I promise.

FarOverTheRainbow · 05/10/2013 21:02

Wow ledkr you have been through so much! You sound like one very strong women to go through all that ad come out the other side!
I hope your right, I want to make positive plans for the future but I'm worried that how I feel won't last in te morning. It helps that he hasn't contacted me or come round today which is actually the first day he hasn't rang me or popped round since he ended it.

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/10/2013 21:22

God, I didn't know that Ledkr, but that makes so much sense about the hormone!

You are indeed one impressive woman, I agree with OP!

Isn't it always amazing how much we, as people, CAN survive?

Ursula8 · 05/10/2013 21:31

So he is kicking you and his DC out and wants you to take DC to a shelter?
Lucky Escape springs to mind OP. I would take whatever you genuinely need and get far away from him. What kind of father would do that?

FarOverTheRainbow · 05/10/2013 21:49

Yeh that's just a little of it. I think my mum deserves a medal though bless her, I don't know where I'd be without her

OP posts:
Ledkr · 06/10/2013 07:58

Thanks far and hissy but I'm just an ordinary woman who's had crap to deal with. I wasn't strong at first, I lost so much weight and couldn't eat or sleep for weeks but somehow you get through that and start to rebuild your life and in doing that you add stuff to it that makes you happier.
The no contact was my turning point, gives you time to heal.
I also took my kids on holiday and that really helped me realise I could be independent.
The early morning anxiety will go.
Best thing to do is get moving.
I hate exercise and am certainly no gym bunny but I found exercise really helped.
Do some star jumps or run in the spot till you are out if breath, it will hell dissipate the anxious feeling.
You probably don't realise it but you have already changed I can see it in your posts.
Look how well you are doing.
Soon you will see him for what he is, a spineless twat.
My ex cheated and isn't exactly dad if the year but he would never have dreamt of kicking me and the kids out of our home or taking our baby for the whole day.
Your dp is an idiot amongst many.

Ilovemyself · 06/10/2013 08:07

Has everything that has been said been done so verbally? If he or his family text, write or email you keep it just in case.

Also, any rent demands will show how unreasonable they are being.

What an arsehole, and so is his family hope you get it sorted.

FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 08:20

Ledkr you really do sound so strong! Ill try the exercise and hope that works.

Most things have been said verbally but some through text so ill keep them. I need toget a diary to write things down as someone has said too

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/10/2013 14:00

My therapist last week was all admiring of my 'strength' etc etc.

i said to him. what's the alternative? What other choice did I have other than to get on and get through? Alone, and in spite of my hideous family?

Thing is, with the mental head fuck stuff, just sitting and NOT panicking is the main way through.

Far you have changed, Ledkr is right, it's visible in your posts. You feel more bold than you were.

You DO have the support of your parents, that is so pivotal, and you know from here that you are not alone and that others have had similar situations and eventually come through them.

This bloke can only harm you if you let him. By informing yourself, by standing up for yourself, your DD and your rights he hasn't got a prayer against you.

I'd advise you NOT to have verbal conversations with him for now, don't allow him to your home, don't allow access (as he used it as a chance to abuse you) and suggest he study the rights of the tenant, and the duties of the landlord.

Don't hand over so much as a single stick of anything. You are in the property, and you need them. he doesn't, he just wants to deprive you.

Even the twat I was involved in, who kept me indoors for months on end, thousands of miles from any civilised society, verbally, emotionally and physically abused me, would never have seen his son on the streets.

Your Ex really has taken twattishness to a whole new level. I wish I could sit next to you and verbally shoot that fucker down with every single one of his 'oh SO not happening' demands.

What you need to do is to go public to all your friends and his about what he's doing to you.

If you are ever in the market for a kick-arse big sister, don't think twice eh? I'm at your disposal! Wink

FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 16:48

It's horrible to feel strong then crash back down Hmm

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/10/2013 17:16

yes love, but that is normal, you have had an almighty shock.

The person you trusted turned out to be a monster and a liar, and tbh, evil.

That loss in faith in a human being IS all crushing. you have every right to be hurt, disappointed, and devastated, because what has happened IS awful.

NONE of it is your fault though. nor that of your daughter.

Please separate emotion from the events here, please see these people as the Landlords from Hell and fight them all the way. Don't think that they won't do the unthinkable; they already have.

What have you got to lose? Get the legal stuff outsourced to a rottweiler in a suit and sit back.

If he wants you gone, he has to compensate you WAY above what your legal rights would give you. You want a legal document that guarantees your child maintenance, ideally with his parents as guarantors so you can SUE the unholy trinity from here to kingdom come should he default.

dunno if that is even legally possible, but it would be in my world!

Hissy · 06/10/2013 17:17

The more you rise and crash, the more you understand that this is all entirely normal, and that it's not for any reason of yours, the less these crashes will affect you, the easier they will get to shrug off, and in a short while you won't feel them so deeply.

one step at a time. Make sure your legal rights are upheld as a tenant first, then see what needs doing then.

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