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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 18:28

I do feel alot better now I know where I stand legally with the house and DD. I want out the house as soon as I can. He's ment to see DD tomorrow and when he comes to collect her if he doesn't agree to the times then ill refuse him access and if he brings her back late then he won't be taking her again until its all settled in court.

I'm so nervous at the thought of see'ing him and I think that's why I feel so up ad down today's emotionally because I know a visits coming. I know he's being so horrible at the minute but its so hard missing the person that he was and the one I love. My mind try's to wonder off so much and it's hard trying to stop it.

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 18:32

I do feel alot better now I know where I stand legally with the house and DD. I want out the house as soon as I can. He's ment to see DD tomorrow and when he comes to collect her if he doesn't agree to the times then ill refuse him access and if he brings her back late then he won't be taking her again until its all settled in court.

I'm so nervous at the thought of see'ing him and I think that's why I feel so up ad down today's emotionally because I know a visits coming. I know he's being so horrible at the minute but its so hard missing the person that he was and the one I love. My mind try's to wonder off so much and it's hard trying to stop it.

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/10/2013 18:44

Remember, you have the power to say,NO!

The mumsnet saying is "No is a complete sentence"

Use it on a loop if and when you need to. It's very liberating!

:)

Hissy · 06/10/2013 18:47

Look at the stories on this thread? They're all about ordinary women in extraordinary circumstances.

You are at least as strong as any one of us here, you hear?

Another mantra for you: "whatever happens, I can handle it. I have to, for myself and my daughter"

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 19:10

It is helpful reading other people's stories but I in no way feel strong or like I'm dealing aswell as others have.

My mums at home tonight and its y first night alone and i think I'm making a bigger deal of this in my head but its horrible. I just want him to walk through the door and watch tv like we use too Hmm

There's the odd minute where my minds ran away with its self and I pick my phone up to text him or call him cause I think I haven't spoken to him in ages I want a chat ten realise that I can't

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Ledkr · 06/10/2013 19:19

Please consider going no contact for a bit.
It really was the catalyst to me getting my power back.
The up and fiend are normal yes but the ups start to last longer than the downs eventually.
Be carefull not to over romanticise the memories either, he's not actually very nice man really is he never mind your memories.
I remember sobbing my heart out watching somewhere wed been on holiday to on tv. A strong friend rang me and asked what was up? I told her and said it had made me remember the good times. She then reminded me that I'd phoned her everyday in years during that holiday, he'd been an arse and spoiled our holiday completely.
I saw him today when he picked up dd, I feel as if I've never known him never mind be with him for 18yrs and 4kids.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 19:26

How can I go no contact when he's going to see DD twice a week? I would rather have no contact I think that would help me more.

Your right about the memories, everything reminds me of somethig and then I think of how good things were and what I'm missing out on Hmm

I'm scared of being on my own as not having him there to turn to and I don't wanna be on my own forever but I don't want anyone else

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Ledkr · 06/10/2013 19:28

Also when we tell out stories we can't convey how badly we felt at the time but I'm sure I speak for most people when I say I was far from strong.
I was a bit mad actually and did some funny things as well as self destructive things, but as you said to your therapist you still have to get up and feed the kids and live life, you can't just walk about crying.
I can still remember very clearly how it felt and can reassure you that how you are is entirely normal.
Are you anywhere near glos? I'd come and give you a good "ledkr ing" if I was near Grin
I remember one if my friends giving me a glare as I cried and wailed "I can't cope on my own"
"Of course you can cope" she snapped "you have arms and legs don't you?"

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 19:35

How long ago did all this happen to you if you don't mind me asking?

I never thought I'd feel like this over a man, so lost and helpless at times.

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 19:35

No I'm by Warwick but thank you xxThanks

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 20:11

Hissy if he doesn't behave then I might take you up on your kick ass big sister offer Grin I can hide be hide you and you can put him in his place

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Ledkr · 06/10/2013 20:13

It was 9 yrs but I remember it like yesterday.
We were together from 18 and had 3 boys and a much longed for baby girl.
Just came back from holiday in France and my sister broke the news that he had been seeing ow.
My first thought was humiliation and anger and I threw him out that night.
The devastation locked in the next day.
I had sti checks and just wept and wept.
I'd had breast cancer years earlier and had a double mastectomy and couldn't imagine any man ever wanting me.
I was 35.
I couldn't eat or sleep and lost two stone in a few weeks.
I honestly thought I'd rather die.
I'm trying to make you see that despite how horrible you feel you will be ok.
Tick off each day as another day closer to feeling better.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 20:25

Shock You deserve a medal!! Do you feel like your happy now?

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Ledkr · 06/10/2013 20:43

Ill come with hissy that will learn him Grin

Ledkr · 06/10/2013 20:53

I am very happy yes. Life has been kinder to me.
I have a lovely dh (10 yrs younger donchaknow)
Who is the ideal man and I was even blessed with our baby at 43 against the odds.
However, I will never forget the betrayal and shock and the disbelief at how my life had turned out.
I had a bit if a second childhood actually.
My boys were teens so sent me out while they had their sister and ill be honest I did a bit of partying which I loved.
That brought my self esteem up and I rediscovered looking nice and having some fun.
I know if we had stayed together I'd not have had half the fun I've had.
Are you likely to do that do you think?

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/10/2013 21:26

I'm glad your happy now, you sound like you've had so much thrown at you!

I don't know. At the minute I feel like I need to focus on me and DD and trying to get my life in order but I do want to get back in touch with some old friends eventually but at the minute I just want to focus on getting out of this house and saving to set up a new one. I think when I've done that it will put me in a good place if that makes sense? Now I feel like everywhere is reminders when in trying hard not to remember them but starting to pack things doesn't help make it feel final it just makes me feel lost so I wanna get out of here

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Ledkr · 06/10/2013 21:33

Yes I can see that. Moving will be really good for you.
Exciting too, setting up a new pad.
It helped me to see myself as liberated and independent living on my own rather than "single" if you see what I mean.
I'd never lived alone and I quite enjoyed it.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 07/10/2013 03:58

I've never really been on my own. I was with XP since I was a teenager so I'm not sure how ill find it. I'm worries that staying here for the next 2m is going to be a bad head fuxk though but I don't have another choice Hmm

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 07/10/2013 08:36

It's horrible waiting for him to come and take her Hmm I never thought we'd be here

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 07/10/2013 08:43

It's so hard to see him and things be like this. I so want him to just hold me and hug and kiss me Hmm I don't want this situation

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Tabliope · 07/10/2013 09:05

I think you could have one step forward and two steps back for a while. It's normal. Would you really take him back now though, knowing how he's handled this split? Knowing it could happen again in the future? You couldn't. It's sad but the way now you have to plan for you and your DD. It will get easier from now on. Just remind yourself what he's put you through. Like everyone else says, do not move out until evicted. Keep in regular touch with housing so they don't forget you and your case slips through the net. Get on to CSA and keep on at them too. A friend went through something similar. She was evicted, got a council house in a not so nice area, lived there a year and has done 3 house swaps since and is living in a beautiful house I'd give my right arm for. It can be done. Best of luck to you.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 07/10/2013 09:19

I want back our relationship but not the last year of it. He's changed so much in this year and I want back who he was Hmm. I felt like a spare part watching him with DD knowing I had that now I don't

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Tabliope · 07/10/2013 09:48

I promise you that you'll look back and cringe wondering what you ever saw in him. It's 100% guaranteed. It's like a drug sometimes getting over someone, getting them out of your system, especially when it's out the blue but time will help, honestly. Lots of us have been through it. Give it a couple of months and that grip he has over your emotions will have pretty much gone.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 07/10/2013 11:20

I wish I was there now though Hmm

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Ledkr · 07/10/2013 17:11

Did you talk to your mum about her doing handovers so you can have a break, it really will help.
I remember saying to my mum that I'm do sad and all a I want is him to comfort me even though its him who's caused it.
If course you do, partners are the only people who we form bonds with which are then broken, no wonder its so painful.
Just keep busy and tick off the days until you feel normal again. Xx