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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 03/10/2013 14:12

At the very least he should have asked you about feeding before he collected her. And f he was willing to break his family apart because of his mother you're better off without him. The fact that he can casually suggest your 11 month old dd can live in a homeless shelter shows the levels of callousness he will stoop to. And if you did go along with that, he and his parents could then apply for custody as they could prove she would have a stable home with him.

Start getting all your ducks in a row Rainbow. Think about what you want and what your daughter needs, and get help from every source you can find. Women's Aid may be a good source - you are a victim of emotional domestic abuse at the very least.

lurkerspeaks · 03/10/2013 14:47

I would suggest not using things like changing the locks as a token to play in a battle. His access to your daughter and your need to maintain your privacy in your rented accommodation are separate issues.

Normally I wouldn't advocate changing the locks but given that he and his parents presumably have keys and he has stated that he wants to remove items which belong jointly to you as a couple I think you have to get on and do this.

Yes, you are grieving for your relationship but you also need to be coldly practical. Bad decisions now could have very significant knock on implications for you and your daughter. Your exDP has already demonstrated that he doesn't put her needs first so you need to and that means you need to make some difficult decisions and do some difficult things eg. stay in the house 'til you are evicted.

I'm sorry you are in this situation but you need to play a tactical long game. Listen to the advice above from people who know far more about it than me.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 03/10/2013 15:28

Someone has to have some tips and ideas to help me get over feeling like this?? I'm missing him so much

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 03/10/2013 15:49

Just think about the fact that he would have no trouble seeing your baby girl living in a homeless shelter! My blood is boiling on your behalf!

Write a list of all the things he has done to upset and hurt you, and remind yourself that you are getting away from this cruel person while you are young and can start again. If he asked for a reconciliation, after seeing this side of him, would you even want him back?

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 03/10/2013 15:52

I want back the person he was not the person he is now

OP posts:
Ledkr · 03/10/2013 16:16

There are a few tips.
No contact for a few weeks at least, difficult to do completely but as much as you can. I found this very useful and got my sisters to handover the dc.
Accept its over, hard but gives some closure.
Exercise. Your shocked body is producing masses of adrenaline which makes you feel terrible, walk or run it off.
Surround yourself with positive friends and people who love you.
Try to imagine yourself as a feisty independent single mum in the future rather than a victim.
Eat and sleep- not easy but if you can eat a little bit of car hydrate in the evening it will help you to sleep.
Take control which it sounds as if you are starting to do. It helps your dignity return.
It really won't feel like this forever. If say that even as early as next week there will be a slight improvement.
Just got to go with it I'm afraid, it hurts like hell but to ate already past the worse bit.
The only way is up x

Hissy · 03/10/2013 16:33

He never, ever was that person you fell in love with.

This is who he really is, and actually he's going to get MUCH worse.

Sorry. :(

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 03/10/2013 19:01

what hissy said

he's showing his true colurs... who he is now is who he really is! and yes... he's likely to get worse judging by how his parents are too

lunar1 · 03/10/2013 19:07

I hope he brought your dd back on time.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 03/10/2013 19:24

He came back with her on time and things got really heated and nasty Hmm

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/10/2013 19:48

Was your mum with you?

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 03/10/2013 21:09

Yeh she was. She's been brilliant

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 03/10/2013 21:19

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Make sure you keep yourself surrounded with family and friends.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2013 07:14

I've suggested we go to mediation to try and agree access over DD. I don't want to prevent him see'ing her in any way but for reasonable amounts of time each time. Anyone had any luck with this before?

OP posts:
Hissy · 04/10/2013 07:18

Don't agree to médiation, and certainly NOT counselling.

This man would use it to destroy you.

He's abusive, he's not going to play by the rules of civilised society, because he doesn't come from one.

Just do whatever you have to to control the amount of exposure he has to her until he stops being a cunt.

He's NOT a good parent. His parents are beyond despicable.

I'd strangle my only DS with my bare hands if he did this to his Wife and child!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2013 07:25

Would mediation not be better then court? What if we go to court and he gets more access then what we've agreed at the minute?

OP posts:
mumofweeboys · 04/10/2013 07:36

I think your being sensible about mediation. You have to take positive steps to resolve the situation for your own sanity. Could you contact someone to support you like women's aid.

lagoonhaze · 04/10/2013 07:48

Claim benefits and ring csa today.

Mediation is all well and good but id go court to finalise as if he choses not to give daughter back right now the police couldnt make him.

Beastofburden · 04/10/2013 08:03

Go to mediation with two things clear on your head
(A) what you are legally entitled to
(B) where you want to be in five and ten years time.

Mediation could then be really useful to get him to see that it is time to co-operate and that he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Ledkr · 04/10/2013 08:31

I think legal advice is your best way forward.
Find out where you stand with contact untill an order is made.
How was she yesterday? Had she been cared for? Dry nappy etc.
did he start the heated stuff?
Did dd witness it?
Write it all down and date it for court if necessary.

fortyplus · 04/10/2013 08:40

I work in Housing. Yes you need legal advice but a really good first step will be to phone your local authority TODAY - ie the Council. You can get great advice about being made homeless. You need to tell them that you are under threat of homelessness. As others have said - sit tight and don't move out until you have to. Then your council is legally obliged to house you and you will get masses of points because you have a child. Tell them that you have no nearby friends or family to move in with.

Good luck op Smile

ChasedByBees · 04/10/2013 08:44

It sounds like you had a horrible day. You don't have to let him take her for that long again. If he says he'll take her and bring her back when he's ready (rather than a few hours later), I would actually prevent access until mediation as he's not acting in her best interests. That may not be the best advice though, I have no experience of these things.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2013 08:55

I've spoken to the council and them aware of what's going on so waiting for the homeless bit to contact me but that goes on priority so they might not contact me until 2 weeks before I have to be out by but at least they no ad have all my details and no when I have to be out by.

She okay when she come back a little bit off but I don't if I was just worked up looking. She really wanted milk tho Hmm

OP posts:
lagoonhaze · 04/10/2013 09:31

You still need to apply for housing register though.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2013 09:39

I'm on huge housing website too

OP posts: