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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
Ledkr · 02/10/2013 18:42

No it's hard to imagine how they used to love you so much but then can turn like that.
Dh was the most perfect partner for 16 yrs then just turned.
I remember him weeping with joy when our children were born and holding my hand thru cancer.
I asked myself how he could just leave us all and barely see his children.
I never found the answers but you just gradually stop asking yourself because the answers no longer matter.

gobbynorthernbird · 02/10/2013 18:50

You have to let go. Being brutal, he doesn't give two shits. About you or DD. Now, given that her dad is a cunt, who has she got? You. You have to get and keep your head together. Get all the legal advice you can. And change the fucking locks.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/10/2013 18:52

And go online to claim benefits now.

thistlelicker · 02/10/2013 18:59

Sorry op ure going through this- not helpful I know but has he cheated and he wants u to move
Out ASAP so he can move the dolly bird in?

thistlelicker · 02/10/2013 19:02

Op it also sounds like ure clinging on to a bit of hope he isn't really a first class cock wanker!!! Sorry to say but he is of the highest order!!! Stop burying head in the sand and fight for what is yours!!! Your home
For u and ur dd!!!

Sorry if harshness is here! You sound lovely and caring toward ur dd but please
Listen to the advice

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 02/10/2013 19:21

I want to keep my head together, I want to feel strong and I don't want to love him but how do I do it? One minute I feel okay then I can stop crying? I've spent alot of years on my life with him and I never thought we would split up and now we have I'm lost.

My DD is the most important thing to me and I want to give her a safe and secure home but I just feel like everytime I could move forward something punches me 10 steps back and now I've gotta stay here for 2months then move in with my mum for however long until I can get us somewhere

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 02/10/2013 19:24

You are making the best and biggest step forward by splitting up from this pathetic excuse for a man. Everything you and your daughter achieve in future will be because you will have had the strength not just to roll over when he let you down.

Thanks and Brew

Hissy · 02/10/2013 21:45

What is this vile little prick going to compensate you with to make up for thé fact that hek's booting you out and depriving you of all the home contents?

How much is your half worth?

I'd suggest that - seeing as there's no security deposit - that you (a) don't pay another penny in rent.

(b) remove everything you want to keep and put it at your mums/in storage. If he wants to buy it off you, he can, otherwise you sell it to raise money!

Ledkr · 03/10/2013 00:03

Everything you are feeling is normal op.
The ups and downs of emotions the sadness the disbelief it's actually happening.
How do I know? Cos I've been there and I'm willing to bet most if the women on this thread have too.
We also know that one day you won't care and will be over him, but then you are left with any bad decisions that you made when not thinking straight, that's why we are imploring you to fight even though its the last thing you feel like doing.
It will feel better day by day and you will feel much better when you get some control over your future.

IneedAsockamnesty · 03/10/2013 00:30

Hissy.

If she does not pay the rent she would normally be classed as intentionally homeless

Hissy · 03/10/2013 06:46

Not if the section 21's already been served. They'd have to sue her for thé money.

I'm guessing they are up to something so doubt they would.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 03/10/2013 07:10

Today is going to be horrible. He's taking DD for the day and she's not been away for me for that long. Really hope she takes her EBM :-(

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 03/10/2013 07:16

Is that a good idea, OP?

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 03/10/2013 07:47

I don't want her to go but it's his only day off work an won't just have he for a few hours Hmm

OP posts:
Ledkr · 03/10/2013 08:02

Look I'm going to get all motherly now!
Please stop just doing as he pleases.
If you want to give up everything to a man who quite frankly is being a total cunt then so be it but letting him have your young breast fed baby for a whole day when you are unsure she will take the bottle is ridiculous!
You are the resident parent and untill it is settled in court you only need allow him reasonable access.
Seems like a very long time to me especially with a father who is happy for his child to "live in a hostel" and "on benefits"

NynaevesSister · 03/10/2013 08:12

Well this is his equivalent of a sat or sun so letting him have dd for the day is reasonable. Actually more than reasonable. If this goes to court, and I bet he does, and if he tries to say that you wouldn't let him have access then no judge will listen to him.

This is important to safeguard your future. On a pad or paper note down date and time he has her, and every call etc. write down what you agree before hand and what actually happened. Make no emotional notes. Just the facts. Keep it impersonal. Something that was clearly written at the time will always be considered by a judge. Something written in retrospect will not. Do not type it up for this reason.

You will be fine but right now you need to grieve for the relationship you thought you had. Don't feel bad for feeling bad!! Let it all out, wail, cry. One day you will look back and be amazed you even cared.

IneedAsockamnesty · 03/10/2013 09:06

Hissy.

From a Housing dept stance unfortunately she would as they can use conduct after service some LA's will discharge a duty if you go before the bailiffs break the door down

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 03/10/2013 11:08

He's took. Her and refusing to bring her back until 5:30 Sad

OP posts:
DPotter · 03/10/2013 11:17

OK Far I understand this is really scarey but use the time today productively - get yourself down to a solicitor and get that legal advice you need. make contact with CSA. change those locks

Your head feels a mess because your grieving for the loss of your relationship and the life you thought you had - that takes time to get over . It's not a 24hr bug that you can shake off.

You might just check with the solicitor but I thought there were guidelines about the amount of time that was reasonable for a breast fed baby to be away from Mum ? Maybe someone with more info could comment ?

GatoradeMeBitch · 03/10/2013 12:56

OP, who have you got in your corner? You don't have to hand a breastfeeding baby over to him, no court would make you do that! Don't agree to it again if you don't want to.

Stop pandering to this knobhead, you have to get angry with him, look what he is doing to you and your daughter!

Hissy · 03/10/2013 13:18

Has he gone to his parents?

I'd go round there and get her back.

Not one person has the right to demand thata BF child i'd separated from it's mother if she's not comfortable with that, and not from a standing start to a whole day.

Forget what I said about withholding the rent, get legal advice NOW on your rights.

You can call the police if you track down your DD and he refuses to hand her over.

This is not the way to co-parent successfully, and he's going about this all wrong, to hurt you.

Ledkr · 03/10/2013 13:24

I'm hoping he brings her back early havih not realised how hard it would be.
I agree you need to seek advice on contact and stick up for your poor dd.

Ledkr · 03/10/2013 13:26

You could seek that advice now while you have time without dd.
why can't you stick up for yourself love? Have you always found it hard to do? Do you have a feisty friend or relative who can stand by you?

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 03/10/2013 13:46

I've contacted a solicitor and waiting for a call back. I'm going to tell him tonight that this isn't happening again and the longest he can have her for at a time is 5 hours and if he's not happy with that then the only way were going to agree is in court and if he takes her for longer then I will call the police.

Would you believe me if I told you I'm in this situation because i did stand up for myself against his mother and look where we ended up!

I'm seriously tempted to change the locks but I think if he brings her back late then I will. He's messaged me asking what time she normally eats and what does she like! He's ment to have lived with her for 11m and he doesn't no these things! I've told him but he doesn't pay attention.

My HV has said it's to long for her to be away from me too Hmm

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 03/10/2013 14:07

Well if she is 11 months old it's not like taking a three week old BF baby away, she will be OK for a day.

Try to keep your head as clear as you can, pick your battles and know where you are going. The aim is- a home of your own, a decent child maintenance package and an acceptable deal on child access that gives your DD a constructive relationship with her father. You need to be reasonable, fair and consistent so that when you talk, the courts listen to you.

Where's your mum? have a real life chat with her.

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