WIBU to move out and take everything

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

If you report him for any and every threat he's made you'll be able to show how you've been bullied, the courts should protect you and your dd.

Box clever here, line up your ducks. Let him shoot himself in the foot here.

Stop fighting, stop playing his game.

You don't respond to threats or intimidation anymore.

Nail him.

Your right HIssy! I'm sure there won't be any more contact until Monday. He did say he would message me about his dad comin round to replace a faulty fire alarm but I don't think that's going to happen now until they think Ill be moving out, oh the shock they will have

Ill phone my HV in the morning too and get things documented

YOu haven't said if you've managed to get in touch with womens aid yet? Call between 7pm and 7am because the lines are busy during the day. They really are the experts and will support you every which way ie emotional as well as legal etc. I actually gasped when I read that you didn't think that what you're going through is abuse. You don't have to be hit to be victim of domestic abuse - your situation is clear-cut and precisely why womens aid is there. btw they used to offer a free lock-changing service, I don't know if they still do. 0808 2000 247.

Im glad to hear you're getting in touch with your HV again - because that woman (MIL) worries me. I don't want to be scarey but I can't help noticing that dd has been ill a lot recently, and I wonder if the two are linked iyswim. I'm sorry to mention it but I have read only your posts on your thread, and it stands out to me. Your HV knows all about this woman and that she absolutely MUST NOT have your dd unsupervised.

Your shit of an ex knows your concerns about her - from what you say, it is what drove a wedge between you - and he is suddenly keen to have dd, when he wasn't interested before. It is very clear that he is using dd as a pawn to get to you and cause you considerable distress (not to mention your dd ). Whatever he's up to, dd can't go to that woman.

tbh I'd also be very reluctant to let her go to him at all. NOt just because he is clearly taking her to his evil mother's but also because, well, some men want to hurt their ex's as much as possible, to the max... Do I need to spell it out?

I hope you get a good night's sleep. You're doing so well and have really cracked on with getting as much support as possible - which is not easy in the circumstances but you've done it and you're doing it. Blinking well done. Wonderful that you have good family and friends to support you, too.

Just realised you'll not get much kip if you're still awake and read my last but one para! Sorry Far, I was a booby to post that late at night.

Sheesh springy you could be right!

far STOP contact. Until she's better, and then some.

Is there a cycle of her getting sick after visits?

Tell your HV, and tell her about MIL and ask if there could be anything done deliberately to cause these recurring illnesses.

Is she always sick in the same way?

Don't let go on this one. You hear?

She is ill alot at least badly once every 3-4 weeks then I have a poorly DD and a load of grief off him because she needs to stay with me. The bugs she mainly has are almost always her ears, snotty nose, sore throat and then she doesn't go to the toilet, doesn't eat only milk

I'm going to speak to my dad today and see what he thinks about booking a solicitor appointment.

I am nervous of him now, he is unpredictable.

Tbh I wouldn't have thought he would use DD to get to me but in a way that's what he has been doing and that can't continue. She's a small innocent child and she's amazing she doesn't deserve this

I will stop contact. Everything happens at once. Ill have a court case on my head for the house and for DD.

Get Womens Aid behind you. They really will support you throughout - and they have clout.

that solicitor you saw sounds like a twat. My solicitor (a woman) let me tell the whole story and let me cry a lot and was nothing but supportive, enraged etc. Womens Aid will recommend solicitors. There is also Rights for Women which offers free legal advice and was suggested to me by Womens Aid. They will also be fairly straight to the point but are sympathetic, unlike that twat.

Are you keeping a diary of events? Potent evidence in any court proceedings.

Thanks for link ill go through. I've saw 2 solicitors from the same firm and the first was brilliant and the second rubbish so ill see what EA recommend aswell

I've kept a rough diary but today I will go through my posts on this thread and try and make it abit more detailed and filled in

Yes, I was thinking that when I was reading your thread - that it gives you a good timeline (I'd also suggest you copy your thread and keep it safe before it goes pfft). Make sure you record dates and also times, if possible. Keep it as detailed as possible. (I found keeping a detailed diary quite difficult at times, particularly when something awful had happened; but it was worth it. Try to write it when the event is fresh in your mind.)

Luckily, this thread is in AIBU, so I don't think it'll go pffft, which gives you time to go through it. Don't put it off though, there's nothing worse than having to rush something like this, it's too easy to miss things.

Hope the HV is helpful.

It's worth bearing in mind that, as with any legal case, it is EVIDENCE that is the most important. Eg you/we may have a compelling case, and everybody believes us; but without actual evidence it can't be proved. I appreciate I'm stating the obvious but when things are fraught it's easy to forget that it is evidence we need.

So keep your eye out for evidence of any kind. It's not so easy when the abuse is not tangible (eg physical), hence tricky emotional abuse cases. But you do have evidence of eg financial abuse. Collect as much evidence as you can to build a picture of the abuse he (and his family) are subjecting you and your daughter to. eg refusing to bring back a BF baby for hours; refusing to hand her over unless you give him goods (tv, table). Witnesses are also important, even if it's your mum (but preferable if it is someone unconnected). Report to the police any and every incident of abuse because it will be recorded = evidence. Report him for working while claiming benefits. Follow up digging around to find out what's been going on with the tenancy on your/his/their house (which certainly doesn't sound legal). ie support the picture with evidence.

Your HV will have a lot of clout in a legal case, so use her and her evidence to the max. Get any and every official bod on board eg your GP (who has marginally more clout than a HV in a legal case).

A diary gives a very clear picture of what has been going on and for some reason is potent evidence in a legal case.

I've tried to call the HV but she's in clinic until this afternoon so will call me back.

I completely understand about evidence and that's what I'm worried about, not having enough and this all falling flat in my face. Whenever it starts getting close to his contact days I get so anxious it puts me off my food, sleep and I just feel rubbish until Wednesday has gone then I feel relief I don't have to see him for 5 days. I always try and tKe me friend with me who witnessed his behaviour on Wednesday too. She has noticed that he always seems to be nastier with me on Wednesdays then Mondays and last Wednesday I know he dumped her with MIL so unless she's getting on his case and that's why he's more angry with me, I don't know but something isn't right

I think you have plenty of evidence to build the picture.

Your friend could make a witness statement, incidentally - ie she has witnessed his behaviour and actions, she can make a statement of what she's witnessed. it all builds a picture.

I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety and I do commisserate. For me it became a rumbling anger so deep in me that it made me quake right on the inside, which I found shocking and difficult (I'm trembling just thinking about it, even though those days are long gone). Please do talk to Womens Aid who will give you sound advice, support and encouragement. I can't help thinking that you're putting yourself through hell for what? He's not even seeing his daughter. And she's hardly in a good place when you get her back. So many of us mothers feel beaten down by accusations that we are witholding contact between the father and our dc that imo we end up doing stuff that just isn't safe iyswim?

I've spoken to my HV and she was brilliant! She has advised me to stop contact and report everything to the police. She said that he isn't meeting her basic needs and knows my concerns about his mother but is still leaving her with her alone and that as DDs primary carer I have to safe guard her because she isn't old enough to do it herself and if he isn't doing what he should then I need to make sure she's safe and she said that how he makes me feel is threatening behavior and I don't have to tolerate that or put myself and DD in situations like that. Very helpful!!

My mind is completely boggled now.

I don't know why I'm putting myself through this, I supose I haven't seen it as I am but something that has to be done. If he does what he's supose to and has DD when he should and doesn't be nasty or aggressive then I wouldn't feel like this. I'm home on my own tonight so will call WA at 8 she. Dd is in bed, it was har enough talking to the HV with her trying to eat my face and talk in the phone

oh big cheers! bravo HV

Phew, that's a relief then - you know what you need to do, she's put it to you clearly.

Your dd sounds gorgeous

She told me that I need to stop being scared of the courts and that as DDs mother they will protect me from him too

She really is! Such an amazing little girl

Oh hooray for HVs! Now call WA, find a solicitor, and sit back and relax!

I don't know about sitting back an relax I think things are going to get alot worse before I can relax again!

If DD is better then hopefully I'm going to have a night out Friday, I think it's well due and I have even brought a new dress!!

I don't know about sitting back an relax I think things are going to get alot worse before I can relax again!

If DD is better then hopefully I'm going to have a night out Friday, I think it's well due and I have even brought a new dress!!

I'm taking my DD back to the doctors, the right thing would be to let XP know wouldn't it?

No. It is a routine part of life. He has left your home so he is not interested in the routine things you do. Do you tell him that you are going out to buy milk? All that will happen is the Dr will check over and maybe give a prescription. You already know that he will not give the correct dosage of any medicine at the right time so he doesn't need to be involved in this. Keep strong and stop trying to rely on someone who has checked out.

Thanks lizzy it's not relying on him in anyway but just as her dad sperm donor maybe it's something I have to tell him but I'd rather not but didn't know if wod reflect bad on me

You do not need to inform him about routine doctor appointments. You don't really need to inform him of anything, unless something very serious happened.

Have you told him yet that contact has stopped? It's best to do it as soon as possible, not the night before he's due to have her. Tell him what you've told us, that the HV has told you to stop contact because he is not meeting her basic needs.

Letting a one year old sit in soggy clothing because he is too lazy to put a nappy on her is neglectful at the very least. He is not taking care of her. You definitely can't count on him to give her medicine.