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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
Jux · 15/11/2013 00:11

Oh I do hope you get one of them. Fingers crossed....

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 15/11/2013 09:07

Me to! It's going to be a long wait until Wednesday to check

I don't know if I should keep packing or not, it seems pointless to move boxes into storage now. I've already got stuff in there which is going to have to be moved back here a some point

OP posts:
BerstieSpotts · 15/11/2013 09:21

I would keep packing, but keep the boxes in the house perhaps? Just have the stuff you need out.

I agree don't rise about him palming DD off - actually this is an indicator, in my experience, that he will lose interest in her eventually :( Which means that every battle to do with her is really a battle he wants to have with you, nothing to do with her. So just step back from it and don't react, you'll very likely find that he will start making excuses soon enough. It's better that happens sooner rather than later, because then she won't be as upset by it. OTOH if you let your buttons be pushed by him then he will think this is great and start escalating it to court battles etc and you'll end up with residency orders and contact orders etc which could be difficult if he does start to let her down later.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 15/11/2013 09:34

The thing is he will lose interest yet but he will still demand contact then give her straight to his mother because that's what she will make him do. I seriously don't trust that women to care for my DD so how can I not rise to it? By ignoring it I'm putting my child at risk and because I wouldn't ignore it when we were together we split up and now I'm ment to?

OP posts:
BerstieSpotts · 15/11/2013 16:09

Well you know them better than any of us so of course you must do what you think best.

But generally if you've split up then you have to let him take her wherever he wants as long as it's legal and she's not being harmed. If you don't trust him, then you have to push for supervised contact. If you believe that she in particular is harmful towards your DD then you can apply for a non contact order for her directly, but I don't know the specifics of how this works or on what grounds you are able to do this. It would though mean that he would not be able to take her there.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 15/11/2013 20:29

I know and I think it will end up going nasty but it goes against ever instinct as a mother to jus stand back and allow that women unsupervised contact and that control over my child. If I was happy do that then I would still be with XP but I had to lose the man I loved to protect my child Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 15/11/2013 20:29

I know and I think it will end up going nasty but it goes against ever instinct as a mother to jus stand back and allow that women unsupervised contact and that control over my child. If I was happy do that then I would still be with XP but I had to lose the man I loved to protect my child Hmm

OP posts:
kickassangel · 16/11/2013 14:36

Far, I can't remember what your concerns are over your MIL.

As your housing situation seems the most urgent, then can you write down everything with dates times etc. that worry you and save it for when you are settled? Unless your concerns are so great that you think your dd is genuinely at risk when with MIL. In that case you would need some emergency intervention.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 16/11/2013 19:26

If DD is with XP then okay but not alone with her. Then I do have serious concerns about her welfare. I think she's coming down with something the poor mite, hopefully not though Hmm

On a happier note I done some
Christmas shopping today Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 16/11/2013 19:26

If DD is with XP then okay but not alone with her. Then I do have serious concerns about her welfare. I think she's coming down with something the poor mite, hopefully not though Hmm

On a happier note I done some
Christmas shopping today Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 18/11/2013 08:32

My DD is poorly and been bad all weekend so were off to the doctors and I've told XP cause he's
Ment to have her and he's saying how he's a great dad an more then capable of having HIS sick child, so why when we split up did he agree that when she's ill she stays with me because he openly admitts he can't handle her and doesn't have the patience?? All she wants is me and
My
Boob constantly. So he's
Coming to the doctors because he doesn't believe she's ill and I've told him the appointment is for
Me and DD to see the doctor so he can't come in. Dreading this

OP posts:
ShinyBauble · 18/11/2013 09:04

And that's why he is NOT a great Dad. He doesn't care about his child's needs, he only cares about getting what he thinks he's entitled to. He would probably palm her off on his mother again, and that's all you need, someone who likes to torment babies for her own amusement. Children get ill over winter, and when they do, they want their primary caregiver who knows hot to comfort them (not always their Mum but usually), it's normal.

ShinyBauble · 18/11/2013 09:04

*how, not hot

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 18/11/2013 09:11

She doesn't want anyone but me. She see's my mum daily and she hasn't wanted her. When we were together he was hardly around then so she never wanted him hen she was poorly either and if she cried e would say things like "oh what's they you want mummy okay ill give you to mummy"
Hand her over then sod off

OP posts:
lizzzyyliveson · 18/11/2013 10:26

This could be a blessing in disguise. Let the dr see how he is with you both. An independent witness to how unreasonable he is and how he is not putting your DDs needs first. Let him come into the room and ask if she needs a sick note to be excused contact or should she be made to go with him.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 18/11/2013 11:39

Well he come and was nice as pie we made small talk about DD and was kind of like old times Laughing at her and things like that. He was fine until I mentioned maintenance and he denied workif saying I'm preventing it by going back on our agreement for him to have her at weekend and that he'll pay for her next summer and because we brought my car I should use what he paid towards it as maintence for the winter months

OP posts:
ShinyBauble · 18/11/2013 12:33

Do you know when and where he works? Because if so, report him to the benefits office. At least then he really will have no extra money to give!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 18/11/2013 13:10

I know where he works some of the days but not all of them.

I just said I never thought you would be the type of person to not want to pay for his child but you demand all this time but refuse to pay a penny for her then he goes on about my car.

OP posts:
ShinyBauble · 18/11/2013 13:31

Then you have enough information to report him. And he has nothing to fear if you have actually driven him out of his illegal job... Think about it. It might be something to put to the side until your housing is sorted though.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 18/11/2013 15:06

Things aren't looking good on t,he housing front either, I was second in line to. 2 places now I've dropped down a little Hmm I want to phone the lady and cry but I don't think it will get me anywhere

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/11/2013 07:36

The people above you may have no other option.

You know you do in all seriousness, you want to be rehoused, you technically could scrape together a deposit and Rent privately.

Being a couple of places off the top is ok, it's better than the 14 years average wait around here...

Accept the help you have, do what you gotta do and it will be ok. Try to keep a perspective. It'll help you long term.

mitchsta · 19/11/2013 09:05

His payment towards the car isn't instead of maintenance. That's disgraceful. You need to go down the proper route of CSA maintenance. Keep it all official. Let him fill in the forms or whatever under the pretence that he's unemployed. Let him claim. And report him for working while he's claiming unemployment benefits. If they only catch him ONCE it's enough proof that he's worked while he's been claiming. Give them all the information you possibly can to help catch him out. Don't settle for all his bullshit excuses - he hasn't paid you a penny yet and that is wrong.

kickassangel · 20/11/2013 01:03

It is so tragic, but just sums up his attitude. Equating a car with support for his kid.

Most of us fall over ourselves to give our kids as much as we can, look how many people overspend on Christmas cos they want to see their little faces light up.

At least you know it will be you who does that for her, and you that gets the love in return.

If you do end up moving right on top if Christmas remember two things. 1. Safe and secure housing with a happy mum is one big gift to provide for your dd and yourself. 2. Dd is too young to know the exact date. There's no harm in having Christmas in January

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 20/11/2013 08:50

His attitude towards maintenance is shocking and I am going to contact the CSA so I have proof from them they say he's claiming and I have texts saying otherwise

My DD has been really poorly again Hmm I can't work out why she keeps getting all these infections, I BF I give her fresh fruit and veg every day and she still gets ill Hmm it's caused a problem with XP though because she's not eating loads and wanting to BF she needs to stay with me so e couldn't have her
Monday but came to the doctors to see her and I'm trying to compromise on the time he has her today so he can still see her but not to long because she's feeding every 1-2hours but he's not having any of it so far Hmm I know se won't go the whole 5 hours but if I refuse to
Let her go he'll make it look like I'm just being difficult and preventing him wee'ing her

OP posts:
Jux · 20/11/2013 09:04

Document it. Send him texts/emails explaining clearly. Then it doesn't really matter what he thinks, it won't make any difference.

Good for you for putting your child's needs first. And for going to the CSA.