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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
Hissy · 08/11/2013 21:36

I have ishoos with my family, cut em all off one by one. I range Orange today to see what changing my number would entail.

They said they'd do it now and for free.

Call your provider. Change the number. Get a cheapo sim, tell the twat you lost your phone and whateva.. :)

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 08/11/2013 22:51

What's ishoos?

Thanks HIssy ill phone 3 tomrrow and hopefully they can help

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 08/11/2013 22:51

I don't supose you have any idea of how long it will take them to get a court to order me to move out? Will it end up beig after Christmas?

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ShinyBauble · 09/11/2013 01:37

Ishoos is issues spelled phonetically! And I can relate to that, I haven't spoken to a family member in over a year.

I can't offer much advice Op but stay strong, and take all the advice and help you can get. Information is power. CAB, Shelter, Womens Aid - get as much info as poss from them.

Hissy · 09/11/2013 07:19

:)

Ishoos is an MN-ism. Was just mucking about a bit! Lightening the tone.

I know what you feel, I look at my life sometimes and wonder how that happened. Abusive ex, my supposed family that all supported HIM somehow. Them all putting the boot in when they could see I was struggling, making things harder when I was getting stronger and almost getting out.

It's not the life I chose, not the life I wanted or deserved.

Holding out for something better is where I am atm.

Blind faith in abundance, but I can't go back to how things were with people who'd treat me as they did.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 09/11/2013 08:32

Oohhh I was just being thick Blush

So you should HIssy, it's horrible your family didn't support you I bet that made the whole Situation alot worse.

I haven't had any more messages so we'll see if he got the hint

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 09/11/2013 09:38

Do you know how long it will take them to get a court order for me to move out and how long the judge would give me to leave? I'm worried I could be forcEd to leave days before Christmas

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 09/11/2013 11:27

Apparently I'm now forcing him not to work so how can I expect him to pay maintenance. Going to look for a new sim today

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Hissy · 09/11/2013 12:02

Call shelter and ask them, iirc it'll take a good while, and I don't think it'll be this side of christmas. Judging by what the CLA person said.

Anyway, he's not even going to know about the need for a court order until the 1st Dec, then he'll have to get himself organised and apply to the court, how long that takes would (I think) be a few weeks at least. The court would have to give you notice to leave, which even if you were strangers wouldn't be there and then, and then you have to ignore that order and wait for the bailiffs.

Then the council will see that the original notice was invalid and it may delay things even longer as potentially the LL might have to issue proper notice, which again you have to ignore, go to court and so on.

Short answer? You're not going anywhere for quite some time.

Have you had the locks done yet? Very important!

ShinyBauble · 09/11/2013 13:06

He's the worst kind of passive aggressive dick. Has he said this by text or phonecall OP? If it was by text, keep it. It's awful he could treat you like this. How would he feel if a man was pulling the same shit on his grown up daughter one day?

jeanmiguelfangio · 09/11/2013 13:18

I changed my number too thanks to toxic family, ring up your provider and say you have been advised by the police to change it. They will do it for free, some will send you a new sim if you need it
You are doing amazing although it probably doesn't feel like it. You should be incredibly proud of yourself

kickassangel · 09/11/2013 13:41

On the plus side he has just put in a text that he is working, and implied that he receives money for it, but he is signing on.

You should keep that text. Forward it to a friend and ask them to keep it.

CrapBag · 09/11/2013 20:09

If they take you to court, I think the process takes a couple of months from what I remember the council telling me when we were being evicted. I can't see it being all done and dusted by Christmas, don't forget, your 'notice' is for the beginning of December so they are probably expecting you to leave when that's up. The taking you to court process won't start until December so it won't end up being before Christmas.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 10/11/2013 07:44

Okay thank you I was worried that it would happen really quick and I'd have to move out days edits Christmas. I know that they will apt to the courts on either the 1st when I refuse or on the 2nd at the very latest. is it bad that I hope they have someone lined up to move in so it causes them problems?

I can't change my mobile number because the council and places have it but will give him the number to a new sim, think my mum has an old phone it can go in. He's getting annoyed with me not texting back, I got another message last night asking and I could tell by the tone. Oh well. If I get any today ill ignore and then tonight I think ill get one asking about tomorrow and do I just text back saying something like "of course tomorrow is the agreed contact day"?

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 10/11/2013 12:01

He's has got his sister to text me through him yet again. Saying that I have a responsibility to do right by our daughter and make sure she sees her dad and I'm putting obstacles in the way. My life is more flexibile then his and I should make sure he can have her on huge weekend. Im forcing him to choose between earning money and see'ing his daughter and how can he keep paying me maintence if he doesn't work (he hasn't paid me a bloody penny) he said bathe never wants to see me again and put himself in the position where I can lie and make him out to be something he's not by saying he gets nasty and agrees ice and that I start shouting at him to pretend to other people he's being aggressive to me!! Where the fuck does all this come reform??????? And if I don't text back he'll have to assume that I either don't want him to work or see his child.

I feel like texting him a big one back but then I'm just playing into there hands. I can ignore his texts but when he gets his legal sister to text me I get scared and text back. They just twist everything.

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/11/2013 12:08

IF you text back I'd suggest that you keep it simple, with as few words as possible. ONE text to them both:

Dear SIL - This is NONE of your business.

Your Brother is throwing his ExGF and child onto the streets and is NOT paying a bean in maintenance or anything else, furthermore he's harassing and threatening all manner of things in the attempt to strip her of her legal possessions. If you want to preach the subject of Responsibility, it'd be best off for ALL concerned that she start closer to home.

To The Ex - Your decisions and choices are yours alone, and the consequences too.

Then switch off the phone.

Hissy · 10/11/2013 12:10

It'd probably be best though to refuse to rise to it. get the new number, migrate the council and everyone else that matters over to it and then leave her and her poisonous little twerp of a brother as the only ones on that number.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 10/11/2013 12:26

I'm not going to text back because it's just playing into their hands. I'm sick of it, a friend has told me to phone 101 and report him as pestering me but not sure of that will just make me look pathetic

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 10/11/2013 12:27

And they also said maybe its intimidation which I'm not sure about,

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Jux · 10/11/2013 12:45

Ignore ignore ignore. She has no business contacting you at all. Together, it is harrassment.

For him, at most text something like - contact was agreed between us to suit your needs. Leave it at that for the moment. But really, ignore him too, until you can check with a solicitor or CAB or similar what constitutes 'unreasonable'. Expecting contact to change around all the time at short notice is not on, but a degree of flexibility looks good. That doesn't mean acceding to his every whim, though.

You don't need a new phone - you can just swap the sims around in the phone you already have.

FlankShaftMcWap · 10/11/2013 12:54

"Dear SIL,
I am going to assume that you believe the contents of the text you just helped construct, as I am sure that you would not be willing to compromise your professional morals in deliberately fabricating it.

Let me assure you that EX has had more contact with DD since we separated than he did whilst we were together. He has agreed with me a contact schedule and I have fulfilled my responsibility to make DD available for the agreed contact. It is EX's responsibility to make HIMSELF available for such. Not mine to continually disturb DD's routine to fit in with EX's latest ad hoc employment. I'm sure that you agree that DD's welfare is paramount and stability is a huge part of that.

As for maintenance, having not received a penny since our relationship broke down you will understand that EX's employment situation has little effect on my circumstances.

Thanks for your input, however misguided it may be."

If you sent that you would be nothing but reasonable, however I would agree that not rising to it would be the best option.

Hissy · 10/11/2013 13:15

I find imagining responses i'll never necessarily ever say
Are actually empowering, as you feel that if forced to, you'd be able to deliver the swingeingiest (made upish word) ripost in the fewest words, thereby maximising their effect!

So imagine away, rant and rave - out loud - and vent it all out.

I'm so sorry that you had the utter misfortune to have ever got involved with such a fucked up bunch of toxics in the first place.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 10/11/2013 13:47

I feel guilty that my daughter is related to the horrible disgusting human beings

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ShinyBauble · 10/11/2013 13:47

I would reply with 'Keep paying maintenance? When did he start?'

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 10/11/2013 13:52

The barrel on the lock of my front door is attached to the door and doesn't slide out so it won't come out Hmm

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