WIBU to move out and take everything

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

I didn't even think about it causing problems but your right we were allowed to do whatever we wanted in here before but them rules won't apply to me now. I just hate feeling so stuck

Is it wrong to want to distract myself though? I feel like I'm stuck in a rut being in this house still like I can't have my chance at starting fresh

He's messaged me saying can he have DD for a day at the weekend, do I just ignore..?

Have only just read the last few pages. I am a mortgage broker, if the mortgage was a buy to let then the majority of lenders do not allow family members to reside in it. I think that may be why the son did not gave a tenancy agreement and why the op had to sign. If housing benefit was ever claimed by the op and ex boyfriend, the council should have been informed of the fact boyfriend was related to landlord (did you claim last year when boyfriend had no work). Some lenders are taking their right to recall debt very seriously at present. Legal May know if this would help if it ends up in court.

If you know the name of the mortgage lender, I may be able to tell you straight away if it's a buy to let.

This knowledge may come in useful, either in court or just to stop them harassing you. Do you have and post addressed to their son at your house, ie council tax bill, benefit letter, bank statement, gas bill etc. if so keep it safe as this May evidence that he lived at the address. You never know if you may need it.

I don't know the name of the mortgage lender I'm afraid. I do have letters addresses to him, bank statements and a bill.

No we never claimed last year, because his work is seasonal we saved enough to last while he wasnt working but more often then not be got a job elsewhere anyway.

With regards to your possessions. Do you have evidence that you bought them? Ie a bank statement showing your debit card was used to buy the tv? Again I would accumulate all this. You may think his family will play nicely and you may waste your time collating things. However it's definitely best to have documents safely at your dads or best mates if you need them at a later date.

I'm guessing you had the rent coming from your bank account to his mum and dad's bank account when you lived together. Was he on the electoral register?

Also do not delete any texts or emails or voicemails stating he will be moving into the property. It may seem OTT but you really may need this, the family may be documenting that their son will be moving into a buy to let that family members cannot live in. (You can buy a house for a son to live in but generally your income must cover your own mortgage, loans, credit cards, bills plus the new mortgage. Any 'rent' paid is not included. Some lenders want you to be able to cover the relatives bills to). The fact that you signed the tenancy suggests to me it was a buy to let and the son was not meant to be living there...

Keep your evidence just in case.

The rent wasnt always paid through the bank sometimes it was in cash because they pay his wages they would take it straight out. There are receipts still here for almost everything brought, not alot was paid through by card mainly cash but when you buy from curries you have to give your name address ect and I always gave mine because it was me that was searching for the right one to suit us ect ..

Please take copies of the letters addressed to him just in case. Give them to a friend to look after, don't keep the copies in the house just incase he retrieves them.

Does anyone no if I should text him back about him wanting DD this weekend? I don't want to change the arrangement we have

Sorry I can't help with that one :(

I really hope you get everything sorted. You have been treated terribly. Some of the advice on here is fab, and people really want to help. It seems strange that strangers are more caring then some people in real life!

I would post on legal, or maybe someone on here knows, if the op has all the receipts and they are in her name, can the police retrieve her belongings?

Please collect the receipts together and give to your dad or a mate or a local mumsnetter! Make sure he does not destroy them. Your and your dd may need them.

I think it's all a long long way from being sorted unfortunately

Ill sort all the recipts out and put stuff aside, I've already moved things like, birth certificate, passport, car stuff so will have to go through the rest of the paperwork

Your right about there being more people caring on here then people in RL. The help and support I've had has been completely amazing. I winge and moan more on here then in RL. I think now its been a few weeks people stop wanting to hear and I don't like talking about it, makes me feel like its the focus point of my life which I don't want it to be. I hope people on here don't get sick of my moaning though

Just say no to the wkend contact. Broken record, no the agreement is Monday-then ignore.

It is the main focus of your life as you and your daughters security is at risk and your world has been turned upside down. No doubt you are in turmoil and not really sure where to turn next. People on here understand that and often have been in a similar situation so really do understand. Keep talking (well typing!).

Your initial Aibu was should I take the possessions ? gather the receipts that are in your name only and put them in a pile to be hidden at a friends, then ones in joint names (hide at friends)and ones in his name. I hope someone on here will be able to give accurate info as to whether you can reclaim your tv etc. I was once told by a police officer that it is easier to arrest/prosecute someone for damaging a partners belongings than for domestic violence. I was told that over 10 years ago and I hope it's better than that now. But the statement totally shocked me.

You will get angry at some point (maybe you already are), and you will see that they are being terrible to you and your daughter. At the moment you may still be thinking I don't want to make this worse by pissing people off. But standing upto them may stop them taking advantage. They will say your awful, not being reasonable etc, but they really mean we don't like you standing up to us and we are not getting our own way. Hold your ground.

Don't doubt yourself.

They may have made many errors, tenancy agreement, notice to vacate, putting possessions in your name, letting his post come to an address that he may not be allowed to live at. Gather your evidence together, don't mention it to ex or his parents. Make notes from what you are told on this forum.

It is the main thing in my life but I don't want to be completely focused on it, I know it's there constantly and it effects my life constantly but I just want to get on with my life and DD, if that makes sense?

Why can't he just stick to the agreement I feel so much anxiety now that's he's texted and i no soon more messages will follow. I'm going to feel like shit now until Monday when he's ment have her again

This thing is the most important job you have in life to do. You MUST focus on it (during working hours) and when the day comes to a close and you can do no more, then that's when you stop.

When you have fought this, you can continue on in your life with DD in peace, but right now, you have a war to win. And you can win, he's shooting himself in the foot left right and centre. Keep asking questions, keep informing yourself. the more you know he's fucking all this up, the more calmly you will be able to be. that calm will help you think.

You don't want to have to face this, I get that, but you have no choice. You didn't do this, THEY did.

Thinking about the future with a nice guy is going to be what you aim for, and it will happen, but not while you still have this poisonous twerp and his disgusting family in it. Deal with them, get them where YOU want them, and make sure they stay there, and THEN you will have room in your life for someone that really is worth your energy.

As I've said, your rights here as a tenant have been violated, and you have been used by your ILs to perpetrate wrongdoing.

Good advice on the documents, keep them safe. If they have deducted rent straight from his cash, I am willing to bet that they are not declaring this income either. I'd be calling HMRC too when you are out and safely away from them.

NO to the contact, you said you would stick to Monday, so leave it at that.

Ignore the text, switch the phone off and go about your day.

You might want to get yourself a new phone/number and transfer everyone over to the new number, leaving him and his shitty people on the old number. It'll stop him having 24 hour access to you, and believe me, gaining that kind of mental space is priceless!

It's hard to switch off though when I start thinking about it all.

I know them and I know how they can twist things and make things up and I'm scared of te repo cushions if I go to far IYSWIM?

He's texted again and I'm just ignoring it and I know they will just nastier as the night goes on

I do wanna find out who there mortgage is with, I think that would be handy to know and have to hand.

I need to feel stronger but I'm just fed up

The way he words things or gets his sister to because he's shit at that kind of thing makes out if I say no I'm being completely unreasonable

Sorry for the late reply. No to the weekend request. It isn't convenient. Add that it's not appropriate for your BF baby to be away from you for that long if you want to. I'd seriously think about getting a new phone number for everyone else and keeping that one for just him. Then you can check it when you choose to without the constant interruption.

You're doing so well. You really are. Great idea re: only making changes with things you can take with you - bedding, etc. Will still have the desired effect without causing any tenancy issues.

You're right to distract yourself with doing stuff. But I agree that now isn't the time to think about dating again - however hard it is to feel alone. Get yourself through this and spend time focusing on you and DD before you go down that road. You won't be single forever - plenty of time for romance when you're in a better frame of mind.

You aren't alone. You have support from your friends and family. Support from us. You will get through this. Could you absorb yourself in a new hobby? - it could be absolutely anything - writing, crafts, dancing, building model aeroplanes... whatever floats your boat. I know your DD will take up lots of time, but having something else to focus on during those times when you feel lonely will be a huge help. Make lists. Plan for your future. How about writing a things-to-do list for you and DD? You could break it down into the coming weeks, months, years - writing down lists/plans/ideas can be a great way to focus on the future that you want rather than the situation you're currently in.

Re: saying no...

• You don't owe him anything. He has treated you like a piece of shit.
• He can say no. So can you.
• You have an agreement that you're sticking to. Refusing to change that is not unreasonable.

"Reasonable" [rea·son·a·ble]

1. Capable of reasoning; rational: a reasonable person.
2. Governed by or being in accordance with reason or sound thinking: a reasonable solution to the problem.
3. Being within the bounds of common sense: arrive home at a reasonable hour.
4. Not excessive or extreme; fair: reasonable prices.

NOT

• "You will let me get my own way"

Switch the phone OFF tonight, go and get a new sim tomorrow.

Love, if there are 'repercussions' due to you standing up for your legal rights, then so be it.

You call the police, you get him done for harasssment (he has already HAD the warning) and let THEM show him what a bully really is.

I PROMISE you that you CAN defy them and you can stand up for yourself, and have a duty to do so.

Be brave, they are all bluster and your rights are enshrined in law, PRECISELY BECAUSE OF SHITHAWKS LIKE THEM.

I'm going to stay at a friends tonight with DD and have a bit of girls night with take out wish I could have a drink though

My contract isn't up until the end of December and I can't afford to buy a new phone ad still pay the contract on this and another one. I will turn my phone off tonight though.

My locks are getting changes tomorrow and I'm going to go and see how much it will cost for a new bed too.

I'm just going to ignore all contact and Monday if he says anything then ill just say this is the agreement we made to suit you more then me
So there's no reason to change, if your not available to have your contact time one day then you'll have to wait until the next contact day you have.

I think I'm going to speak to my HV again next week aswell, she's lovely and just chats away

Get a payg sim! If your phone's locked, just get a sim for 99p or whatever, just for now/emergencies, and then see what's what in December.

Ill look for a SIM card tomorrow when I pop to town

I never in a million year thought things would end up like this, I can't believe how much he's changed. Bloody idiot