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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
iwantanafternoonnap · 06/11/2013 14:10

have you contacted the CSA yet? its so much easier when you get money taken straight out their pay x

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/11/2013 18:52

Well he was an arsehole at drop off. Said he wants to change his days he has DD and because I didn't want to change them to what he wants I was being spiteful trying to stop a relationship with his child and refusing him contact. I stayed really calm and said no I'm not I've not once said I'm stopping your contact I'm willing to discuss this like adults to agree on something that works for us both even though its only been a few weeks since we agreed on what we do now and that was all for your sake. He got angry and started raising his voice so I told him I'm not discussing anything of he atarts getting angry and aggressive and he Denys it says I'm being aggressive. He refused to pay the maintenance he says he has in the bank and said he will pay from now on and that's it

In the end I walked away and said I'm not willing to discuss this while your being like this and he said text hkm to sort out the access he wants and I said no ill see you Monday as agreed and walked off

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/11/2013 19:26

so is Monday not as you agreed then? why does he want to change days?

In which case, change locks, go out.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/11/2013 19:32

We agreed Monday morning and Wednesday afternoon and now he wants to change them because he's doing cash in hand work when I no he's claiming unemployed. I don't mid making changes but what he wants I help care for my nan on that day and I take DD and it gives her such a lift and she loves it. He knows this but apparently it's irrelevant and I don't think it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/11/2013 19:33

He wanted me to text him about changing and I said no ill see you Monday ad walked away. Ill take DD to where the pick up is and wait 20 min if he's not there ill go and do the same on Wednesday immnot contacting him

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/11/2013 19:48

15 mins, tops.

Ask him about the cash in hand work and ask when you'll get your pay out.

You know he's slinging you out so that he can claim HB to live in his parents place?

Report the lot of them to the council, and him to benefits people.

CrapBag · 06/11/2013 19:54

I have a friend who works for Shelter and we had a landlord/eviction problem a few years ago, although I didn't know my friend then. We let the council fob us off with their 'we can only give you one choice, takes 33 days when we had to be out in 28' etc and we panicked and rented privately again, which turned out to be an even worse nightmare.

My friend said the council tell you stuff to try and get you to sort yourself out as most people will but its the ones who keep on at them that they end up helping.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/11/2013 20:09

I said to him you say you've been putting this money into a bank account now your refusing to give it me for your child. He said I'm in the house with his stuff so that's enough and he'll start giving me money from now but not what he owes or what's in the bank.

I said I'm not changing to the weekend. We agreed these times to suit you and yor work and now that your working and claiming that isn't my problem you should make sure your available onthe times you agreed to see DD, he got defensive about thy and I just said look I don't care what you do I'm not interested in your life but don't try and make my life difficult by wanting to change and perfectly good agreement for something like this and he shut up

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/11/2013 21:07

When you go hire a van, take the fucking lot and put it in storage if you have to, change your number, email, and contact the CSA.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/11/2013 21:14

If I have to stay in this house immgoing to try and replace some things like the bed and bedding and in lucky I have somewhere to store whatever I need for free. There won't be any point contacting the CSA if he's claiming unemployed will there.

The CLA solicitor didn't phone back so immgoing to chase her tomorrow.

I need a scarey MN army to come and scare him Grin.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 06/11/2013 21:19

I have just read your whole thread. What an horrific family, you will be so much better without them.

Please listen to the advice on this thread and if you can't stand up for yourself, then please stand up for your daughter. I am really concerned that she is spending so much time with such a toxic person, and presumably his mother too.

Jux · 06/11/2013 21:23

Report him for benefit fraud. You're not going to see a penny anyway.

The whole family are completely dishonest aren't they.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 06/11/2013 21:23

I wish she didn't spend as much time with them too but it's been so hard to keep it at 10 hours a week. The courts would end up giving him more which worries me Hmm

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/11/2013 22:42

She's a year old, you can cut it down to a couple of hours a week.

I wouldn't want his mother coming anywhere near her.

Replace your bedding, so you sleep in new, the bed will either come with you, or not.

If he owes you money, personally i'd get the house cleared and sell the things you can to raise the money you spent on them in the first place.

Hissy · 06/11/2013 22:44

I don't think the courts would take a BF baby away from the mother for so long, again, investigate your rights here! Be informed!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 07/11/2013 09:56

I phoned the CLA this morning and got through to someone and explained everything, he got me to read out sections of my tenancy agreement and S21 notice and said that it is invalid and because of dates I signed my agreement it should have been dated to the 15th of December. He said that I shouldn't point this out to council but when December comes don't move out and wait until they apply to the courts and then any letters I get give them to the council and if they notice the dates are wrong they'll apply my defense to the courts and that means it could all be dragged out for months until I get served with the correct s21 notice but if they don't and I get court ordered to leave then the council will have a responsibity to help me even of they notice its wrong after because the court has ruled it.

That make sense? Not sure if I've explained it very well

OP posts:
Hissy · 07/11/2013 14:56

Do YOU understand what you need to do?

That's the most important thing!

mitchsta · 07/11/2013 15:40

Have you changed the locks yet? I'm worried for your safety - especially if something you say or do (i.e. not moving out) causes him to fly off the handle. You need to know he doesn't have a key, you don't have to answer the door and you can call the police if he threatens you.

Why are you still seeing him? Make your contact arrangements via email only so you have a paper trail (tell him this is how it's going to be from now on if you need to). Ask someone else - your mum, friend or something - to do the handover until further notice. Let them know how often it will be so they know what they're agreeing to - then you won't feel like you're putting people out every time you do it. And I agree with others who have said his contact can be shortened.

If he's working and claiming unemployment benefits, he's committing fraud. You really need to report him. His maintenance payments to your DD should come from his earnings, but they can't because he isn't declaring them.

Jux · 07/11/2013 17:40

Do you have a back door? Change the lock on that and use it instead of the front door. Put bolts on the front door and keep them bolted. Put a chain on as well and use it always. I think you lost the back door key, didn't you? Wink

That way, you don't have to give them a new front door key, and can be secure knowing they can't get in at all unless you are there and give permission. If you use the bolts and the chain, then if they need help to get the door open, that person/agency will see immediately that they are breaking in.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 07/11/2013 20:04

I understand completely what I have to do.

The only time I see him is at hand over, my mum couldn't do it because of work and she doesn't drive and my friend that could doesn't drive so there's no one else really. I don't want to argue about contact through messages because he will use that in court to make me look unreasonable but I'm not having that conversation with him again, we have agreed days and if he isn't there to pick her up then he misses that day and that's the end if it.

I'm worried about reporting him because he will say he's just helping out and isn't being paid but just doing it to keep busy and then e will know its come from me and I wouldn't put it past him to try and report me (I haven't done anything wrong) but they will still stop my money while they investigate and I can't be in that position so that worries me.

I can't use my back door because then I have to use the gate at the back of the garden then go down the gated entry but my front door locks are gettig changed this weekend. My friends partner has done it before and said he'll come and do it for me

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 07/11/2013 21:41

How do people meet new people? I hate being on my own, not saying I want anther relationship but would be nice to have someone to talk to and do fun things with

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 07/11/2013 23:23

I'm fed up and can't sleep. Why can't there be a button to switch your brain off for the night Hmm

OP posts:
Hissy · 07/11/2013 23:43

Lovey, wrt meeting people and new relationships, the next person in your life is YOU!

You need to debrief from this, gain distance, and appreciate who you are and how far you've come.

Motherhood has a way of stripping us of the woman we were before, erodes our confidence in our own abilities and ourselves as people. It takes years to get that back! Even then, we'll never be the person we were before. Better eventually, and different.

You will end this imbalance, you will take back control of this situation (you've already started) and you will stand up for yourself and your dd.

You've already come a long way in the duration of this thread, and are not the person you were then.

This will bring you more conflict from him, but use this energy to prove to yourself that you're doing things right.

The more indignant and spluttery he gets, the more on the money you are.

Trust your instincts, listen to others that do give a shit that you are being treated so badly, make sure you're as informed as you can be and make only the decisions you want to make.

You really can do this. It's not that hard, it just feels like it will be until you get stuck in.

We're all here for you!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 08/11/2013 07:45

I just want to have some fun like go out a couple of times have a good time, bit of a flirt just light hearted nothing serious. I don't like feeling so alone Sad

Think I might paint the walls this weekend, try and change the house up a little

OP posts:
Hissy · 08/11/2013 07:49

You are trying to deny and distract yourself from this situation, that's fine, but you need to work hard on your self esteem and boundaries before you consider dating.

It's not the time to do this now, you'd end up in an even worse situation than you are now.

Take your time, and invest in yourself.

Leave the walls, that could cause issues with your LL. You need permission for that.

If you need to jazz anything up, buy something you can take with you. New duvet, new lights, shades, curtains etc.