WIBU to move out and take everything

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

From the sounds of Far's last post, her daughter is with her Dad today. All I would say OP is that the very next time he does something abusive, even verbally, you have to shut down all contact until you have had one-on-one legal advice.

If you call Women's Aid just tell them what you've told us. If you have time, read back through your thread and jot down what has happened when.

And please change your locks and contact the CSA as a priority! I hope today goes well!

I had already let her go before I read your messages and then felt foolish once I'd read them . Everything went okay, he was on time for drop off and pick up and texted me letting me know she was okay

I'm glad it went well OP. I have no legal expertise, but as your ex's threatening behaviour was against you, not your daughter I'm pretty certain it wouldn't count against you in any way. Considering the last few days you've had, you've been very kind to keep access open. Just make sure you don't put his rights ahead of yours!

You can change your mind about access the next time, on advice from your solicitor.

If he is so pro doing the right thing, he needs to start doing the right thing himself and paying his way, and not harassing you anymore.

You have called the police on him, this is why he's behaving, for now. it will slip.

I shouldn't hear a thing from him until Monday now. I've got my appointment tomorrow which I'm worried about, my dad thinks I should go and my mum doesn't

Of course you should go to see the Solicitor.

Why does your mother think otherwise?

She. Thinks hat he should stay away now the police have spoken to him and as long as he doesn't contact me and brings DD back at the right times then that's enough

Even after the police visited, he was trying to intimidate you and manipulate you by text. I would be very surprised if he is all sunshine and light from now on. There are going to be further issues when new things come up, like if you don't move out on your eviction date, or if you apply for maintenance and he doesn't like the amount that is awarded. (And please get on and do that, every month that goes by, your daughter is losing money that she is entitled to. Money that will come in very handy when you move out.)

I think you should go and have the initial meeting with the solicitor, write all the history down - if you have time you could go through your thread and take notes because a lot of it must be here.

Why is your mother so willing to accwpt her DD and her GD are treated like this!?

What's wrong with her background that she thinks this is ok?

She's teaching YOU not to value yourself as a result.

Your dad is right, we are right, go in hard and don't hold back.

Go and speak to the solicitor and then see what the options are.

Knowledge is power, you've been robbed of all that you had up till this point, and it WILL get nastier. Sooner or later.

If you're prepared for it, you won't be taken by surprise and it won't floor you.

She's not willing to accept it and she doesn't like how things are at all but she thinks that if he backs off and leaves me alone, sticks to the agreed contact with DD then things will be best left.

People in RL don't see the situation as abuse which makes me wonder if I'm putting things across the wrong way on here all so confusing

The people you are surrounded with have their own issues then.

If my child was treated like this i'd be raging! So would any normal parent.

What would you feel if someone did this to your little girl? Would you tell her not to make a fuss and to just take it?

Your dad sees it's not right, why not her?

Thing is chick, when we get sucked into a relationship with people as damaged as your ex and his awful family, when we haven't wised up to them and booted them to the kerb when big red flags were showing themselves (and you know you had your worries about him ages ago) then something is wrong in the way we see relationships.

Most people (with healthy dynamics) would have never got this far with this guy, they'd have seen the signs and acted on them. You saw signs, but shouted down your instincts down. You didn't want him to be as bad as people pointed him out to be.

That's ok, we've many of us done it, but when we see the truth, we need to face it and deal with it.

Now you know the truth about this terrible man, and your mum still thinks it's 'not that bad' or not bad enough.

What would be bad enough for your mum then? What's bad enough for YOU?

Not critising her, but why is her view of what's acceptable so skewed? Were her parents unhappy?

Far - according to this thread, he left you and his child, apparently because you don't like his sadistic mother around your baby, he wants to throw you out of the house and let you and your baby live in a homeless shelter until the council homes you, he started seeing someone five minutes after breaking up with you, he has taken joint property from the house twice and threatened to take it all, he threatened to take your baby away if you didn't hand the TV over, he has not paid any financial support, he has lied about you, and made several attempts at controlling you, manipulating you and gaslighting you.

At best he is extremely neglectful, mentally abusive, selfish and callous.

Maybe the people in your real life are used to being treated badly and take it as the norm? You honestly deserve better, and so does your baby.

Any decent man would feel some responsibility and duty of care to the family he just abandoned - but no, he actually wanted to make you suffer as much as he could and leave you with nothing more than your clothes and the baby's things.

The only unusual thing about this story is the fact that he wants regular access, that type of man would be more likely to disappear over the horizon and forget he had a kid. Is he genuinely affectionate and caring with her? Do you think he is a good Dad? I wonder he has always wanted to spend a lot of time with her, or if it's a control issue?

If someone did this to my DD then I don't know what I would do, I want want to kill them for hurting her so much. My mum is brilliant and has been amazing support. I think she's just worried that I'm still in this house and my taking legal action it's all going to blow up and in her mind if he settles down, leaves me alone and behaves himself then it's best to avoid that situation, IYSWIM?

When you point it out to me it reads terrible and yes all them things have happened but when it's you and your life then I dunno I just don't see it as terrible as i suppose it is because reading it is horrible.

He has never been very interested in DD. He was the perfect father for the first few weeks then after that he lost interest. Refused to change her dress her get up with her feed her, if she was grumpy he would say oh you want mummy then run off so he didn't have to deal with her. He saw her less then he did now. I think some of the reason he is insisting on so much contact is because his demented mother is pushing him to do so and he thinks he should so he doesn't look the bad one.

A few times when we were out together and people would ask how we were getting on he would say things like " oh I'm shattered I get all and do all the night waking so GF can get some sleep and rest but then I have to go to work" one day I called him out on it and he said " well people have gotta think I'm a doting dad" and he didn't like it when I said maybe you should try be the doting dad and earn the bragging rights

Love, she's supporting you in staying in this godawful situation.

Don't make a fuss, keep your head down, just do as he asks, keep him sweet, where's the harm?..

Your instincts are screaming at you, that this approach isn't right. Otherwise you'd not have posted.

The conflict in you comes through here, but the conflict is due to you being told NOT to kick any chairs over.

You need to get Mumma Bear Angry here! Your dd is being used to make you feel bad, and make him look like a good dad.

He's not interested in her happiness, only his own fake image.

She's 1yo, about as easy as babies get, wait a year or 3 when she develops an attitude. You still think he'd be super dad then?

Protect your baby now, protect yourself now, get CSA and legal on him and go for your maximum rights.

How DARE he do this to you!

Good luck at the solicitor - today isn't it?

Thinking of you!

Yeh it's today. I'm so worried bout going I feel sick

Hi far.
The solicitor will at least answer your questions and give you clarity.
I think in the long run getting a council property is a good idea and you are halfway there. Stick with it you are doing well.
Dh is a copper and said yes Change locks it's a grey area with the landlord but it would be a civil matter and you will be gone by the time it came to courts at which point u can explain the circumstances.
You are at least stronger emotionally and are "over him" which he's made easy for you with his behaviour.
So go to the solicitor and get yourself Informed.
Good luck

My mum would be the same. It's just a generation thing I'm afraid for many. They just one to keep the peace.
Just do what you think is right.

Okay so what important questions and information do I need to find out from te solicitor today?

Thewalkingdead I do think some of it is keeping the peace for my mum but she only wants the peace for me and DD IYSWIM? If it goes to court it's a
Lot more stress and anxiety for me when I have plenty of that now and I think in her eyes if he sticks to the agreement then that's the ultimate result and without alot of mess/stress and bills

If anything goes to court it will be prompted by his bad behaviour. I have probably caught you too late, but for an initial meeting you just need to give the solicitor the history and the situation as it is now, and ask for advice. Make sure he/she knows about the housing, the issues around your daughter, the MIL, the abusive behaviour. Ask him what you should be doing. You can make it clear that things have settled down in the last couple of days since the police visit (though mention or show the texts) but if they have all the history, you can cut right to the chase if there is a situation where you need help urgently. You might not need to see them again.

far it's ledkr btw with a Halloween name change xx

Don't be anxious about your solicitor. They should put you at your ease and give you information to help you make an informed choice about how you can protect yourself and your daughter. Make a list of your questions about your tenancy, assets, abuse and contact before you go. Good luck.

Sorry I wrote a long post early and thought I posted it but ovb not

Solicitor today wasnt great. Basically ignored the fact that he threatened me and I had to call the police ad that e refused to hand DD over unless he got the TV. His advice is to send XP a letter statingy proposed times he's allowed to see DD and if he doesn't like it then its tough and of he doesn't stick to it then ican refuse access ad wait for him to take me to court. He kept saying how we should sort it ourself and court is the very very last option and how much money it will cost, my dad said it was irrelevant and he still kept going on about it. He did say when I've moved out I could apply for a residential order but doesn't see much point

He sounds shite. Poor you that's all you needed.