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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
FarOverTheRainbow · 23/10/2013 07:49

I'm sick of it all. Head it clear things were over and he wanted to move on, he's even got someone else so why does he keep having to mess with my head? He's getting what he wants I'm moving out why can't he just stay away until then? He has the contact we agreed so why is there a need for everything else?

OP posts:
3asAbird · 23/10/2013 07:55

because hes a pycho twat taking piss as he thinks he can get away with it.

Change locks asap.
log with police
restraining order.

ignore texts dont respond.keep texts and lo things in little book/diary

ring womens aid today for advice
maybe contact hv see what support your area

ring csa today and report hes splt left you and given you zero money.

do you know who inlaws have mortgage with? I would ring the too.

tell them you a tennant and relative.

Do you have contract? have you tried rnging shelter as I rang them other week and they wee quite helpful.

FarOverTheRainbow · 23/10/2013 09:08

If I phoned WA what would I say?

I didn't respond when I got the last message. He's having DD today so I'm a little worried about that

OP posts:
BooHissy · 23/10/2013 09:11

His mother enjoys watching babies suffer and cry.

His mother.

Who raised him.

Think about it.

Cancel access, stop visits.
Let him text what he wants, report him to the police.

He'll do anything to hurt you. Don't give him your child.

3asAbird · 23/10/2013 09:12

im confused why you gving him access to dd today it would worry me that he wouldent bring her back and demand more stuff.

In court they would see hes

left u
paid you no money
trying to see you and daughter on the street so he canmove it.

hes not provided basics when hes had her ie nappies.

he demanded access when she was ill.

waves a knife about
stole stuff
threatened you.

keep him away from you and dd

go through official channels.

get court cae for custody

go court to be evicted.

ring csa so hes made to contribute he then cant chosse.

keep him away from you hes toxic and worry your resolve is weakening.

BooHissy · 23/10/2013 09:12

Just tell WA what's happening, they are there to support you in dealing with an abusive man. They can help guide you wrt your rights and support available.

3asAbird · 23/10/2013 09:15

Stop beng so reasonable.

whats right is for dd to be with you.

hes not earned rights to see her he clearly does not give a toss.

his parents are equally despicicble trying to evict their granddaughter.

cease contact, go through solicters.

ring csa today
keep him and his parents away from you as upset mummy no good for child and hes really upsetting/stressing you.

FarOverTheRainbow · 23/10/2013 09:16

I think he will bring her back on time today. He would have been advised by his sister that it will go against him if he doesn't as I've got an appointment Friday with a solicitor

OP posts:
BooHissy · 23/10/2013 09:17

Text him to tell him all contact and visits are suspended due to his threatening behaviour, and if he contacts you or turns up at your home you will call the police.

This is an important message to send as it'll support any action against him if he does continue to harass you.

BooHissy · 23/10/2013 09:17

Text him to tell him all contact and visits are suspended due to his threatening behaviour, and if he contacts you or turns up at your home you will call the police.

This is an important message to send as it'll support any action against him if he does continue to harass you.

3asAbird · 23/10/2013 09:20

www.womensaid.org.uk/page.asp?section=0001000100080016&sectionTitle=Helpline+FAQs

its besides point

he clearly does not care for his daughter.

shes just a huge power trip and something to threaten you with.

dont let him have her.

you her mother you have the power.

please reconsider I dont trust him from what you said.
never leave kid with someone who does not trust or is emotionally abusing you.

I dont think your dd will benefit fro seeing him.

you need to stop access and just go through solicters.

change locks
restrainin order
ring csa today,

lagoonhaze · 23/10/2013 09:32

Text him to tell him all contact and visits are suspended due to his threatening behaviour, and if he contacts you or turns up at your home you will call the police. Ask him not to text you but email you regarding any issues.

^^ This.

Then leave the ball in his court. He can make an application to the court. You do nothing. In the meanwhile get a timeline together.

FarOverTheRainbow · 23/10/2013 10:11

I've spoken to my dad and I'm going to see a solicitor friday and let DD go today, I think he'll be on his best behavior today and then see what my solicitor advises todo Friday and of he thinks stop contact then that's what ill do

OP posts:
3asAbird · 23/10/2013 10:23

theres no benefit from him having her today if stopping contact friday,

i thnk you taking huge risk today.

you need to end clear message that what hes doing is wrong.

lagoonhaze · 23/10/2013 10:26

You cant allow contact today and then use historical evidence as a reason to stop contact.

3asAbird · 23/10/2013 10:30

what if he hurt or neglected her to get back at you.
what if he hurts her then accuses you of abuse.

you cant say fear for your safety then hand her to him.

Theres too much risk involved here and crewing yors and your daughters chances of a better future.

Urge you again cancel and go throiugh proper channels.

3asAbird · 23/10/2013 10:33

I think he will bring her back on time today. He would have been advised by his sister that it will go against him if he doesn't as I've got an appointment Friday with a solicitor

I've spoken to my dad and I'm going to see a solicitor friday and let DD go today, I think he'll be on his best behavior today and then see what my solicitor advises todo Friday and of he thinks stop contact then that's what ill do

I think not good enough! You dont know what pycho abuser will do and all time shes out you will be worried.

dont take risks with dd hes angry with you and wll play games and be spiteful.

lagoonhaze · 23/10/2013 10:36

I haven't read the full thread but was a knife being waved around mentioned.

Theres your answer.

FarOverTheRainbow · 23/10/2013 10:43

I just feel like I need it written down by a solicitor that this is what I have been advised to do by a professional. If I stop it now then they will accuse me of being jelous and all the rest but with a solicitors backing I'm in a much stronger position and following the exact right channel

I don't think he would hurt DD to spite me. I think once I've seen a solicitor and he recieved a letter he would keep her and not bring her back but I don't think he's a physical threat to her or I wouldn't let her ever have gone

OP posts:
lagoonhaze · 23/10/2013 10:51

Im going to repeat my view.

If you allow contact today you can't then use historical events to cease contact.

You arent being a protective parent if you allow her to go with him whilst all this abuse is not resolved.

You are also sending a signal that its ok and you Will allow contact.

Ring woman's aide please

3asAbird · 23/10/2013 10:55

you making huge mistake and panderng to him.

you going to confuse the courts,

wouldent care if they considered me jealous.

you have more than enough grounds to ceae contact now.

things have changed you rang police,

think he could get nasty
return her late play all sorts mind games today.

he doesnt care about her or he wouldet be acting this way.

hes just a pawn in his game a bargaining chip.

his crazy mil or new partner who you dont know may have access to her

best thing u could do protect you and dd is stop access for now until courts say so.

BooHissy · 23/10/2013 17:06

I don't think he would hurt DD to spite me. I think once I've seen a solicitor and he recieved a letter he would keep her and not bring her back but I don't think he's a physical threat to her or I wouldn't let her ever have gone

My love, this thread is less than a month old. 4 weeks ago, you didn't think he'd sling you and your DD on the street, threaten you, cheat on you, or wave a knife in your face.

He was raised by someone who LIKES to see babies suffer, it gives her an emotional stiffy. THAT is the monster he was spawned by; the same one that is urging him on to hurt you, to evict you and to deny any responsibility for your baby.

Bluntly, you are in denial (totally understandable) but this is a REAL danger to you, to your rights, and to the safety of your child.

You CAN'T hand her over to him. Not now. Not unsupervised. You will put her at risk (genuine risk) you will undermine ANY of the help/support you COULD expect to get from the authorities, you will undermine your case with the Police. They won't necessarily take you seriously.

You NEED to take decisions in the best interests of your child, for now and the future. HE is NOT safe to have her, his MOTHER is dangerous and NOT to be trusted to have your baby alone.

Please put your fear (and this is what is preventing you from protecting yourself and your child) to one side, know that you have right and RIGHTS on your side and that you have society and the law to protect and help you.

If you undermine that support, you may not be able to access legal aid, and you will be thrown to the four winds up against his Narc-Sponsored Pitbull Laywer (Apologies to Pitbulls).

All bets are off, there are no rules that he will adhere to. know that your enemy is a total stranger to you and capable of true callousness and evil. He has pride too in that if you start to defend yourself, he will HAVE to destroy you to show how wonderful he is, and how awful you are.

the lies have started in his texts, this is being encouraged by your allowing it to continue and by your maintaining dialogue.

You simply can not negotiate with an abusive nutter, much less a family of them; they all support and validate one another and will twist reality as much as they need to, to keep you in the wrong. the truth has NO place in their lives. The truth, actually, is what they fear the most.

The ONLY thing you do is this:

Refuse visits/contact - due to his treatment of you, his threats, behaviour, and the knife incident.

Get legal help and support

Get WA support and get yourself to a place of safety, and start the long process to protect your child FROM him.

You won't get supervised contact unless you build a case for it, if you give in to him immediately after calling the police, you may blow any chance you have to protect her in the future. do you get this?

IF IN DOUBT, DO NOWT.

No calls, no texts, no access, NO, No, No.

You don't know what you SHOULD be doing, so FGS don't do what your REALLY SHOULD NOT be doing, which is whatever HE wants you to do.

for the love of GOD, please don't let her out of your sight. You don't fully understand what you are dealing with here. i do.

Please trust us. No harm can come to you by saying NO. You have that right, and your DD is relying on you to say it.

BooHissy · 23/10/2013 17:07

just in case I'm in anyway unclear:

DO NOT ALLOW YOUR DD TO BE HANDED OVER TO YOUR EX

Her LIFE is at risk here.

lagoonhaze · 23/10/2013 17:14

Sadly boohissy and 3asabird I think the OP doesn't seem to get the good advice she is being given.