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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 19:04

And I'm so glad you are seeing him now for what he is!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 19:09

I messaged him saying its sad its come to this, I phoned te police because of his threatening behaviors and tht I have not threatened him in any way.

He also said he's been constantly asking me for my bank details to give me money for DD when he hasn't once

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 22/10/2013 19:25

Far, go through the CSA for money from him. He must pay for his child but there is no way I'd give him my bank details.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 19:30

You is there a problem with giving bank details? I remember Jeremy Clarkson once giving out his account number and sort code in a paper article, his point being that no-one could do anything with that except pay money into his account. Is that true?

On the other hand, you don't want to be at his mercy - if you let him pay what he wants when he wants, before you know it he'll use that as a way to try and control and threaten you too. Definitely go the CSA route. You may as well get the ball rolling tomorrow, give him all his shocks in as little time as possible Grin

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 19:32

He hasn't once mentioned paying for her let alone ask me for my bank details.

The text he sent me wasn't written by him. The wording and words used aren't his style

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 22/10/2013 19:33

OP, sorry you are having such a tough time. I noticed that you said your Dad would pay your legal fees for you if necessary so I wondered if it were an option to get him to pay the deposit on another flat for you?

You need to get yourself into a position where things are on your terms and while you are in his parents house, regardless of tenancy agreements etc, that's not going to happen.

YouTheCat · 22/10/2013 19:33

It would just put the control in his pocket really. You just know he'd make OP wait until she had nothing until he paid up.

If he's in regular work it can be taken from him monthly by the CSA and I think that'd be for the best all round.

Also, I suspect, with the new gf and once everything is sorted with OP moving, that he will demand seeing his dd less and less. He is using her as a tool. He isn't even prepared to supply nappies etc when she is visiting him - I think that says alot.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 19:45

My dad has offered to help me did somewhere to rent but I don't want to go private again. I would likeyo find a council place that I know will be nice forever and I won't get a letter saying I need to
Move in 6m or 1 year. I desperatly need some security and something I know is mine and not have the possibility of having to move hanging over my head

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 20:12

OMG he is crazy. He has texted me again and twisted very single thing. An have a huge list twisting everything to try and make me look bad with a load of his lies and then saying he's concerned for my mental state because I'm
Being so twisted and devious and I need to stop these crazy allegations on him. He's saying I said things that I've said I won't let him see DD for 6m while it goes to court which is haven't. WTF do I do? He's twisting everything

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 22/10/2013 20:16

Go to Women's Aid. He is an emotional abuser.

They can help with housing. You won't be wasting their time. And they can help you to log every awful thing he says.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 20:19

"a load of his lies and then saying he's concerned for my mental state because I'm
Being so twisted and devious and I need to stop these crazy allegations on him"

It's gaslighting Far en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

And it's him trying to provoke you into saying something in the heat of the moment that he can use against you. I think you should stop communicating with him, don't reply to his texts. Replies only give him something to feed off, and he'll keep saying cruel things. He probably thinks that be writing these accusations in texts to you that it's proof. That will get him laughed out of court. If you need to respond keep it very short, like "These accusations are false."

NynaevesSister · 22/10/2013 20:19

Nothing. He can say what he likes it doesn't amount to anything. Keep a log of everything - keep your emotions or interpretations out of it. Make notes of dates and times when he calls, why he calls, and every bit of access he has including when he talks to her on the phone. There is nothing he can do with any of this without proof. All he wants is for you to engage on his level.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 20:23

Re your Dad - you could have a look around for somewhere, just to see what's out there. I understand there is some uncertainty with private renting, but you would have the enormous peace of mind of cutting that tie with knobhead and his family. And depending where in the country you are, it can take a long time for a nice two bed council place to come up.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 20:39

He has also said that he has asked me on occasions to give him my bank details so he can't set up a direct debit for DD and I should consider him asking now because ovbiously the court will need to see that his is willing to pay for his child but I don't want his money. He's never asked me.

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 22/10/2013 20:47

Wanted to follow up to see how you are doing.

I am a landlord and it is a clause in my contracts that if the tenant changes the lock a copy of the new keys is provided to me. I think this is a standard clause. As his parents are your landlord I would suggest you don't bother as they will probably just 'leave a set on the side' if he wants to access the property.

Go through the proper channels for child support. I would start with your solicitor and go from there. Plenty of people on here can give good advice on how to navigate this.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 20:49

Want2b but what happens if they don't know that I've changed the locks or if worse comes and they ask for set and I refuse? I'm being evicted in 5 weeks what have I got to lose?

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 22/10/2013 21:02

It will come up in court and give your OH evidence to show you being unreasonable.

Don't play sillybuggers or go tit for tat. Go for the juggular. If I were you I would be hiding a can of opened tuna somewhere in the house and dropping mice off outside the house. They will never be able to keep tenants or your ex will be living there having to deal with it.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 21:07

I don't want to go tit for tat but I am genuinely worried that he will jus turn up again and take things like he's said he will. The police officer today told meti change them and I could say that thy have advise me to so would it still go against me?

The messages he's sending are ment to scare me I know but should I worry?

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 21:27

Change the locks ASAP! Don't tell them. If they find out (because knobhead tried to gain access) they will have to get a court order to obtain a key. You don't have to do anything, just wait it out.

Remember that with the process you're going though you DON'T leave. His parents will have to get a court order to remove you. When the bailiff breaks the door down in however many months, the council will have a duty to rehome you.

Considering that his parents fraudulently put your name on the lease to get around that pesky 'don't rent a buy-to-let house to a relative' law, I wonder how far they will want to take all this legally. Maybe ask his parents if their lender knows their grand-daughter is living in the house. I bet they crap themselves.

ChasedByZombees · 22/10/2013 21:34

I would change the locks and report them to their lender if I could

You've been advised to by the police and its to stop their harassment and abuse. I wouldn't let him take your DD out either if he's going to use her as a bartering tool.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 21:35

As he wants to provide financially for his daughter, contact the CSA tomorrow. You may even be able to do it online now. He wont mind, he wants to provide for her after all...

Take his money. It's for his daughter, not for you. My Mum wouldn't take my birth Dad's money, and it pissed me off. We struggled while he sent me postcards of his trips to Disneyworld with his younger kids. In the future you may be faced with a scenario where he is the fun parent with all the disposable income and you are the one who can't afford to do much with her. Go to the CSA. The claim starts from when you apply. It's not his money, or yours, it's hers and she has a right to it.

BooHissy · 22/10/2013 22:29

Rtrust me on the locks thing, change em, don't give a copy.

The contract can not over ride the tenant's need to protect her property/peaceful enjoyment.

I have thoroughly investigated this with shelter, CAB, LLZone, and the worst they can do is to take you to court, they wouldn't win, not when all this detail came out.

The time it'd take to take you to court would be way longer than the time you'll stay there... you can't lose.

BooHissy · 22/10/2013 22:37

Want2be- you are not advising OP in her best interests here, a standard clause is not applicable when to enforce it would be unfair an unreasonable.

You may be a LL, but many LL's I know know nothing about rights on either side, don't see the value in professional inventories, professional cleaners or any of the proper channels.

The TT hear is being threatened, abused and is unsafe in her home.

Basically she has nothing to lose, and everything to gain by standing up to these scum lords.

Just imagine if this did go to court, if this story came out, the court'd be horrified at how she's been treated!

She needs to understand and feel that power,

She always has had way more power than she thinks she has.

Want2bSupermum · 22/10/2013 22:47

boo I hear you. I have been through this with a tenant and in my case it was a clause I was able to rely on to remove them from the property.

OP If the police told you to change the locks get that in writing so when they find out you have changed them you have documented evidence of this. Courts don't go against the police.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 23/10/2013 07:42

I'm going to to look into changing im them today.

Should I be worried about how he is twisting everything in his messages and trying to make me look like I am a liar and just being nasty when I'm not Hmm

OP posts: