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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 21/10/2013 19:08

I second these two posts! I don't want to upset you at all OP, but don't be a martyr. It's for everyone else to look for the help they need, you need to think only about you and your daughter. It's time to be selfish! I wonder if your self esteem has been so beaten down you don't realise how extreme your situation looks to everyone else?

Please ring the WA, accept your Dad's help and make an appointment with a lawyer, call the police and call the CSA. Come out all guns blazing!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 21/10/2013 19:30

I'm about to phone the police but want to make a list in points of what's happened and matter and in a factual way rather then me moaning on, any pointers? My minds blank

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 21/10/2013 19:36

My situation doesn't look great at all to me and I've got nightmare xIL and XP but sometimes I worry that it comes across worse then it is IYSWIM?

OP posts:
curlyhairedmummy · 21/10/2013 19:39

Hi, sorry about what you're going through.
Pointers:
1 he seems to have entered your home at night without permission from one of your earlier posts
2 has behaved aggressively towards you when he 'visits' even waving a knife around
3 he has forced you into handing over jointly owned property in order to get your daughter back

These should be enough to get started. Also about the locks: change them. You're already being evicted so there's not much they can do is there; they can't evict you any faster or I truly believe they would already be trying this.

Hope you start feeling better soon. Look after yourself and your little one x

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 10:03

I've phoned the police and now I'm waiting for someone to call me back

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Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 10:05

I found out this morning that he has a new girlfriend too, such a head fuck

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 22/10/2013 10:14

Oh Far Sad I'm afraid that doesn't surprise me at all. That poor woman: she has no idea what she's letting herself in for.

Can you look through your posts and copy down all the things he's done, and imagine one of us telling you our OH had done it? Being able to see him as an out-and-out arsehole may be helpful. "Good riddance" is a very emancipating feeling.

BooHissy · 22/10/2013 10:28

Ah.

That explains the venomous behaviour, and indeed his parent's backing. :(

Now will you please get angry and start being more hardball about this? Please?

Tell the police everything he's done, about the eviction, the threats, the knife, the withholding your daughter, the bullying. Also tell them about the treatment of you by your LL, they are failing you hand over fist too by allowing their son to harass you and enabling his access of YOUR home. and that's not on.

BooHissy · 22/10/2013 10:30

Meant to say, you poor, poor thing, this is beyond cruel and hideous.

At least you know that there really isn't any going back now, he's utterly beyond contempt.

Now hit back with all the legal and police stuff you can. Please. It's your right, and actually you need to do this for your DD, and for yourself.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 10:38

That does sound like the last piece of the puzzle Far, I'm sorry.

He's 'that' type - new woman in his life, so now he wants the baby and he wants you to just go away and let him play happy families. Another reason why it is important the police know what he is putting you through - you must report every abusive incident.

BooHissy · 22/10/2013 11:05

Yes, and don't for a second think this isn't abusive, it is.

Please report this to your GP, your HV, a solicitor and the police.

You need this on record. It'll help with custody protection, and may enable legal aid.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 11:12

I'm hurt but not actually as hurt as I thought i would be. I knew he would move on quick not this quick but still quick so I've thought about it alot and tried to prepare myself and I think it's worked.

I am getting angry now. I know my feelings have changed for him which makes me feel stronger in myself.

I've contacted the police and waiting for someone to phone me back. I've tried toget hold of my solicitor but he's in a meeting so ill call again later. I have thought about speaking to my HV but I don't want there to be any issues of personal safety raised and risk SS getting involved.

What else do I need to do?

How do I change the locks as cheap as possible? I don't have much spare but I feel I need that protection

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 11:13

He's ment to have DD tomorrow and I'm worried that he won't give her back to me unless I give him the kitchen table so I don't know what to do

OP posts:
shimmeringinthesun · 22/10/2013 11:25

He's bartering your child for pieces of furniture!!!!! What an out and out twat!

Don't allow him to take your child anymore until it is all legally settled in court, that way, if he threatens to with hold her or actually does so, then you have the full weight of the law on your side.

Just record with the police (101) your reasons for not allowing him to take her - it's all evidence.

Darling, I went through all of this crappy, stomach churning turmoil 30 years ago, and it saddens me to read that it's still going on.

Sending you warm thoughts and wishing you the very best in all of this. You will come through it, just hold on.

Ilisten2theradio · 22/10/2013 11:48

If you know what sort the locks are at somewhere like B&Q you can buy replacement barrels for them - so you can buy a replacement yale barrel and you just unscrew it all and replace the relevant bit. We did this after we moved into our house as we didn't know who may have had keys cut.

You can do the same for a chubb lock, you remove the plate on the side of the door and slot the new bit in. It doesn't have to be very expensive.

HTH

Ilisten2theradio · 22/10/2013 11:49

And call the CSA too while you are sorting things out like the solicitor and the police.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 12:25

Yes, you can change locks yourself, just make sure you are confident first! There are YouTube tutorials.

Once the locks are changed, don't tell your ex. He should only find out if he tries to enter the property himself. Then, if he hits the roof, call 999 immediately, don't wait to see what he'll do.

And yes, once the locks are changed - call the CSA! It won't count against you in any way. I believe it doesn't impact benefits anymore either. It used to be that they would take that amount out of Income Support, but I don't think they do now.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 12:44

I checked for you. Child maintenance payments do not affect any benefits you may be entitled to, so it would be extra money on top. Well worth pursuing, especially seeing as how he is taking your property and not giving you a penny towards his daughters upkeep. It's a total piss-take.

GeekLove · 22/10/2013 13:09

It might not be a bad idea to get SS involved if you instigate their involvement. Clearly with ILs and and ex as horrible as yours you will need to get as much RL support as possible. At least make them aware as if I were you I would not trust them with your child as I would have no confidence that they were safe people.

BooHissy · 22/10/2013 13:53

SS are there to help parents like you deal with arseholes like him. They will help you protect your DD.

This is awful, you need to line up every agency there is to get the support they can offer you.

This custody thing will get nasty, his parents will finance him, you will need legal Aid. The only way you can get this is to show abuse, you need to get the knife thing recorded, and ideally the police need to help you get your belongings back, including the knife, telly, DVD, and anything else he's taken from you.

Visits stop now, access to you/home/dd stops now.

If he comes anywhere near you, call 999 and tell them you're scared and being harassed by him.

Compile the evidence he will give you and use it to your advantage.

Gloves off now honey!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 15:50

The police have spoken to him and he's agreed to stay awayfrom the house and have no more unexpected visits. He said to them that he's just worried I'm going to stop him see'ing his daughter which I've never done. They said if I get any more problems to call them

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 22/10/2013 16:09

Good result. Hold him to it - hopefully he's realised he can't just walk all over you.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 16:25

That's great Far! Don't worry about his lying, he's being very predictable and the police will have heard it all before.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 22/10/2013 18:55

He's sent me another message saying no more contact, I'm rotten I tell lies, I've threatened him and I didn't tell the police that, I've phoned places regarding his work and that I'm only doing this out of jealously and he thought I was better then that.

All so many lies. But again he's trying to twist it.

I'm actually not all that bothered he's see'ing someone else. He's not the person if all in love with and he's caused to much hurt for me to have feelings for me so I think there gone now!

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GatoradeMeBitch · 22/10/2013 19:03

He sent you that in the pathetic misbelief that it counts as 'proof'. So if you make another complaint against him in the future, he will say 'Look , she threatened me, I can prove it in this text I sent her!!' It doesn't work that way, and he is an idiot.

Be careful about what you send him though, don't let him bait you into sending anything even slightly abusive that he could keep. Be careful with your wording. By the same token, keep all of his texts and emails.