WIBU to move out and take everything

[FarOverTheRainbow]

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

If I phone 101 will the contact him in any way though? I don't want them to I would like to know where I stand though.

I've contacted a solicitor befor about access and they've told me that if I'm concerned that he won't bring her back them I'm within my right to withhold access because DD is still BF. I don't want it to go as far as the police and he can be a nasty sod anyway so I'm a big scared to say no your not having it because things are bound to get worse. We have a TV package and he's phoned them up and took my name off the account and changed the password so the bill hasn't been paid and its been cut off but he won't let me know them and pay but said I have to pay him

No, you don't pay him! Have you phoned Sky/Virgin to explain? They won't want the bills going unpaid, they'll sort something out. If they threaten you with charges, say that you will call their rival to ask what they would quote you. They hate losing business to each other.

Can you pass your TV and video to a friend for safe keeping, or ensure someone will be there later who won't be intimidated by him? If not, call 101 and ask their advice. Tell them he has threatened to steal your property later (and already has taken things) and could a community officer be there to ensure handover will go smoothly.

If you haven't had a chat with Women's Aid yet, look them up online. You need strong advocates in your corner, and as much as we are rooting for you, you need physical help. Do any of your friends have an intimidating brother or husband who could be of use?

It really might be for the best if you find a new place to live asap, just to get you away from this entitled twat who seems to think he owns everything under that roof. Would you move back in with your Mum for the time being? (When you do move, don't tell him until after you've gone!)

One thing you HAVE to do is report him to the police if he gets physically aggressive with you. In fact what he is doing counts as domestic abuse - frightening you, threatening you. You can go to the police with that.

I spoke to them the other day and because his name is now the only name on the account its him that's liable for the payments, so I supose that's one thing but he's change the password so I can't access the account unless he gives me the password which he won't do but if he takes the Telly I don't need it anyway!

I've looked at women's aid but I don't know how they could help me, I haven't been abused and that seems what there for.

I don't know what else I can do. I'm worried he's going to turn up with a couple of his friends to help move everything and I don't fear for my safety from them but I'm worried about his temper.

I'm tempted to just unplug everything and leave it by the door so he can just take it and leave me alone

If I give the TV to someone to look after all hell will break loose

You ARE being abused! I'm sitting here horrified for you and concerned for your safety and your daughter's safety. Your ex is abusive. Call them. If you're like me and get flustered on the phone write down a list of the most important points so you don't forget.

He is a sadistic controlling arsehole and he is relying on you to be weak. He turned up an hour later than planned and tried to make you feel you were unreasonable? I believe that's called 'gaslighting' and it's a very popular technique with abusive people. You did nothing wrong.

I think you need to get tough with him. Call the police, and ask if someone can come round to discuss your situation and get advice.

I'm sending you a PM.

He makes me wonder if I am being unreasonable sometimes. Should I of let him have her until 3 and just changed my stuff around?

It's difficult OP, because my impulse is to say 'no', you should not have had to change your plans because he didn't turn up on time, it only sets up another unhealthy pattern where he swans along anytime he likes and expects you to drop everything.

But there may be an element of choosing your battles while you are vulnerable. If you could easily change your plans and avoid a showdown later that might be the best thing for you in the short term.

Please call Women's Aid today. And consider asking for police advice too.

What's the current situation with housing?

I could have changed them, it would of been a pain for me to but it wasnt impossible but I thought no, it's not my fault he come late I've got something nice to do with DD why should we not be able todo that. Maybe I should of

Ha housing well his parents own my house and they tried to make me leave and go into a shelter and said they would put the rent up so I couldn't afford to live her and now I've got my eviction notice and have contacted the homeless department at the council

No don't change your plans and I would also recommend telling the police about his threats. It'll be useful to have them on record for the future and he is being abusive.

I hate this whole situation

He's been and took the TV and everything with it. Was so nasty said some horrible things. Refused to hand DD over at first but did. I almost called the police but he left

I know it would take longer to get your own place this way, but would you be able to move in with your parents or another relative? I really think you'll be safer once you are out of 'his' house.

And again, please call Women's Aid.

(Not important in the scheme of things, but if you no longer have a TV, cancel the TV license if you were paying for it.)

Christ, his parents sound pieces of work, too. What horrible people are they and their precious son. Good advice here - definitely talk to the Police. Vile man.

If I phone 101 to report what's happened will they just log it or will they go and visit him?

A friend has told me to get more legal advice over what he can take. The TV is registered in my name even though we brought it together

I wish I could move out but it's just going to be to difficult, I don't have the money to put down anywhere and I need to avoid going to my mums if I can, it's a small place and ill have DD and the dog.

It's against my tenancy agreement to change the locks but what could happen if I did it anyway?

You bought it together? I assumed it was in the house when you moved in, and he took it because it belonged to his parents. This knobhead should be supporting his child, not stealing from you. Yes, he's acted unlawfully and you should report him to the police. And THEN you should call the CSA.

The thing about legal advice is that it costs money, are you able to afford it? As far as changing the locks, is your tenancy legal? Think about whether your in laws would want the case in court. If not, yes, change the locks. Say you lost the keys.

And please do ring Women's Aid if you haven't yet, because they may be able to advise you on this stuff, they might even be able to put you in touch with a charity that would help with legal costs. You don't know till you call them.

Report his behaviour to the police - the threats to not give your baby back, and the theft - they would take it seriously. It doesn't matter if they talk to him. It might give him pause for thought if he knows the police have the whole story.

OP, I had a thought. It might be a good idea to contact the mods and ask them to move this thread to 'relationships'. You will get more constructive advice there than on the AIBU board.

Women's Aid also have a messageboard. It seems quite small, but very supportive. There seem to be women with similar issues to yours. I really hope you call them, but also consider signing up on the forum for more support? www.womensaid.org.uk/topics.asp?section=00010001000800210001&sectionTitle=Messageboard

And here www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010008&sectionTitle=If+you+or+a+friend+need+help is the helpline number and local support links. Have a look at what is available in your area.

No everything in this house is ours, we paid for the kitchen we wanted, the blinds we wanted, TV, sofa every little thing. He's left me with no TV, DVD player, stand and he even took the Internet cable but he's had that cut off aswell.

I know WA has helped alot of people and I don't want to waste there time and take help away from someone.

I alone couldn't afford legal costs but I'm very very lucky to have my dad who has said he will cover them bills if it needs be

I've spoken to a friend and told her some if the things on here and she thinks its a good idea to phone 101 and log things so ill so that later when DD is in bed

So glad you're calling the police. What he has done is theft, particularly I it's in your name. The more worrying thing is the threat not to return our daughter unless you give him stuff. Please tell them everything. Good luck.

Thanks, I don't want them to go and see him I just want his behavior logged so if he does anything again it's there

Also in a worst case scenario - that he did refuse to return her - the police have a domestic complaint against him on file. That would give your case more credibility.

He sounds ghastly. You need a bulldog solicitor who is experienced in dealing with people like this. When you split up he shouldn't be taking things that are jointly held, and neither should you. Since he is behaving in this way you need to get 'smart' fast. From what you say he is doing everything he can to hurt you. Get a solicitor and ask about how to proceed about protecting yourself. A restraining order will prevent him from coming to the house so he won't be able to remove anything from it going forward. It will send a loud and clear message to his parents too.

With regards to your television. From what I understand when he removed you from the account he removed you from any liability associated with the outstanding balance. What you need to do is open up a new account in your name only. That old account has nothing to do with you. Open up a new account in your name only. Do this for all bills where he has taken off the account.

Please get hold of the WA. You do need their help. They will have dealt with this sort of thing before and will know exactly what you can do so your DD's needs are provided for. Since your ex earned the money he is the one who has to pay for her care going forward.

As a side note, his parents are fools. If they put the rent up it will be their son paying for it.

I posted about the locks before, and I will again now.

Your right to enjoy your home trumps his right to access.

He has NO rights to access your home, he's not your LL. And he's not named on tenancy agreement.

You have a right to protect your belongings.

You HAVE to call 101 and report this. He's threatened you in order to remove YOUR telly.

You can call police to report this and i'm guessing they might see this as obtaining goods through menaces potentially and force the return of your named goods to your address.

I'd seriously change the locks and refuse all access and contact until it's settled in court.

You are being oFficially abused by this man now and it has to stop.

Please stop thinking you can't do this, you absolutely have to.