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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
itsmeisntit · 19/10/2013 13:31

Happy birthday to DD.
Here is to a good future for both of you Flowers Cake

DPotter · 19/10/2013 19:19

Happy Birthday to your DD !

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 19/10/2013 22:00

Thank you Smile we had a great day and I decided to do a party and DD loved it!!! Smile

OP posts:
Misfitless · 19/10/2013 22:12

Haven't read all posts, just a few, but I did pick up on someone saying if you bought the items jointly, he can't keep them all....surely morally, if you are a SAHM (presumably you were both happy with this arrangement) and he is working, you can't be expected to pay exactly half of all the items anyway...my point is he has probably paid more than half of the value of these possessions, but that doesn't give him the right to keep them, as the reason you might not have paid half is because you both agreed you would be a full time at home mum for your DC rather than going out and earning money. What a bastard ...and I think his parents sound even more hideous than him...almost!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 20/10/2013 14:46

Feeling abit down today. I miss having being in a relationship an having someone to go and have a meal with or go to the cinema with, having someone to cuddle and cook dinner for. The couple stuff Hmm

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 20/10/2013 15:24

That will happen again OP. I know it's a cliche, but you've got your whole life ahead of you!

In the meantime, maybe someone you trust could watch your daughter and you can go out with friends? Or even go to lunch or to the cinema with a friend when your ex has your daughter, it might make those days less stressful for you while you are still adjusting?

I'm glad you had a good day yesterday!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 20/10/2013 15:44

When XP has DD I constantly keep busy otherwise I sit worrying the whole time. It's just the other stuff. I feel jelous when I see a couple and their baby and think how did we fail to make it work Hmm. I can't see how I ever will have it all again

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 20/10/2013 15:49

You will, and you'll probably have better. This is all new to you still, give it a year and you will be thrilled that he walked away. Your ex sounds like a total brat, there are plenty of lovely men about.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 20/10/2013 16:19

How do people ever meet anyone new? I mean I have a few friends and family but I know all of them how do you ever meet anyone new?

OP posts:
BooHissy · 20/10/2013 17:51

My love, plenty of time for that!

You will need to recover from this relationship, and establish the boundaries that'll enable you to see the kinds of men like your Ex, and kick them into orbit before you get involved.

At the moment you are still at the mercy of your ex. You hold WAY more power in this situation than you are welding, and you are holding back because you don't feel entitled to demand for your equal rights/fair crack of the whip, or even basic consumer rights. You think it'll be mean to do what you're fully entitled to do.

All the while you have a 'MIL' that loves it when your baby's crying, and an ex that has slung you and your 1yo into the street, wanting to strip you of all the white goods, furniture etc leaving you with nothing. Words. Fail. Me. Again. Angry

Atm you are vulnerable and need to regain your confidence, your strength and sense of self. You need to see that you and your DD need you to defend your position, and to hell with anyone that tries to interfere with that.

Tough talk love, but one step at a time. :) let's get you fixed first!

BooHissy · 20/10/2013 17:51

On the upside, finding someone better than this creep ought to be fairly easy! :)

BooHissy · 20/10/2013 17:53

We do need to help you see though that swapping a grade 8 twunt for a grade 4 one is still not what you need/want/deserve.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 20/10/2013 17:55

Everything I say do I'm being told by him that its me that's controlling everything, I want everything my way or no way, who do I think I am to make rules Hmm

OP posts:
BooHissy · 20/10/2013 18:23

Well, he's right! You DO get to say what goes on in your life!

Especially when others are trampling all over your basic rights as a woman, a mother, a partner, a tenant and a human being!

People like him always say this. Doesn't make true though!

He wants you to STFU, leave the home you're in, all your worldly goods, and make yourself available to hand over your DD whether it's good for her or not.

I'd say that yes there is a controlling arse in thé mix here, but it's not you.

Ignore his protestations, he has no right to dictate your life, or that of your child. Not when he's the one that caused all the trouble you're currently battling with, and he isn't even paying his way!

Get bloody angry and stop talking to him. Get yourself into a position of strength and don't ever back down again to him.

He's pond scum. He deserves ZERO respect. If he wants that situation to change, he needs to put a shit load of stuff right first!

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 20/10/2013 18:39

He's contacted me tonight and come round because he wanted a particular knife from the kitchen. I told him it was petty and there was no need for him to come but he said its not him I'm twisting it on to him, I'm being a complete basturd about everything and I'm making everything harder then it needs to be Hmm

I did piss him off though, he was getting angry and waving his hand with the knife in (not in a threatening way just moving his hand and it had the knife in) and I looked at it and he said he would put it down so I said yeh please you've already raised your fist at me once and he walked away pissed off

OP posts:
BooHissy · 20/10/2013 20:05

He's got some flipping nerve!

This is why I say no contact unless it's concerning DD and for HER benefit.

BooHissy · 20/10/2013 20:06

Exactly what does he expect? Given his behaviour?

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 20/10/2013 20:16

I have said no contact. I don't contact him unless DD is poorly and is at the doctors or something which only happened last week. He just doesn't listen. He use to just turn up randomly but after a bit of pushing he stopped but I still have to leave the key in the door constantly in case he turns up. He doesn't normally contact me unless he wants something like this bloody knife

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 20/10/2013 20:17

I told him a while ago I was struggling with how things have turned out and I wanted minimal contact and I supose in a way he's at least given me that but just being an arse tonight

OP posts:
lizzzyyliveson · 20/10/2013 20:19

He can want all he likes but unless you turn the key in the door he can't get in to have it. This is what no contact means. You ignore him unless his communication is about your child. Leave him standing on the doorstep. If he makes a noise call the police and report a disturbance. Imagine him explaining to the police that he is banging on the door of his ex and waking up his own baby because he wants a knife from her kitchen and his Mum doesn't have the right kind of knife in hers.

ChasedByZombees · 21/10/2013 07:48

It sounds like you let him come round for the knife. Next time on the phone (although preferably don't even speak to him by phone) just say, 'no that's not convenient for me.' and end the conversation.

No debates, who cares if he thinks you're being unreasonable? He has no right to come into your house now.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 21/10/2013 10:17

When he started going on about wanting it and winging I just said fine take it and go.

He's taken DD and turned up an hour late, wanted to keep her later then agreed but I've got plans so couldn't change the time and I didn't want too but would of he kicked off and told me he'll bring her back on time but he's taking the TV and DVD player and of I want to play nasty then he can too Hmm so ill be left with no Telly and if I say no your not taking it ill have no DD

OP posts:
Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 21/10/2013 10:45

Anyone? I'm worried about later Hmm

OP posts:
LookingThroughTheFog · 21/10/2013 10:51

Sorry, I have no advice but masses of sympathy. What kind of arsehole barters his daughter against things?

Have you contacted any kind of solicitor or mediation about access? It's slightly longer term than today, but it really sounds as though you need to get an agreement drawn up and in writing so that you have some sort of protection for when he choses to mess you about.

mamaslatts · 21/10/2013 11:07

Fucking hell, he wants to swap his daughter for the telly?? I would call 101 (police non-emergency) and ask if they have any advice regarding this. when he turns up with your daughter, take her from him at the door at tell him he's not coming in. If he tries force his way in, call the police. He's not on the tenancy so has no business being in YOUR house.

So sorry he's a shitbag.

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