Badly behaved twin and party invite

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My dd will be having a party in a few weeks to be held at home. There are 15 invites, about 10 from her class (of 30) and another 5 from various other classes/years. A mixture of girls and boys, although mainly girls.

One of the children is a girl with a twin brother who is in a different class. My dd has invited the girl but not the boy. The reason is that the boy is increadibly badly behaved and would be a nightmare to manage.

The mother of the twins has asked if her son can come as well as her daughter, as her daughter is invited places but not her son and it is difficult for her to manage. I really really don't want him to come. More to the point, neither does my dd. All because of his behaviour.

I am really annoid to be put in this position by the twins mother.

or more likely playground gossip and tittle tattle....

poor mother and child gawd I hate gossip :(

How sad that no one has really talked to this mum about her son's behaviour and potential SN before now! To have got this far without it being addressed by the professionals who have to work with him is a bit shit, really. :(

However, she has been somewhat cheeky in asking for him to be included. To be honest, however sorry I felt for her, I'd still say no because it wouldn't be fair on my DD or the other party goers to have this child disrupting the party (which by the sounds of it he would). I might consider it if I knew the mother was going to stay to manage his behaviour, but if she's in denial about the extreme nature of it (as described by you) then how much is she going to curtail him, and how much is she going to let go as being his "liveliness"?

I feel for you OP - but I think you have to say no - and I think you have to say exactly WHY, not pussyfoot around it. There has been enough pussyfooting around already, she needs to realise that his behaviour is what is causing him to be not invited to things, hard though it might be for her to hear.

I would not let him come even if the mother did stay to supervise as it appears that she either has no control or doesn't recognise his behaviour. Therefore she would not stop him from mis-behaving and so he would rein the party.

The problem with the "no diagnosis unless you're an expert", and the "you shouldn't know a diagnosis because it's gossip" lines is that they actually don't help the child in question.

There's a disruptive child that other children don't want to be with, and that other parents don't want to have around. If it's not permissible to speculate that the child might have some problems, and therefore that the child and its mother might need some help and support, then you're just left with a disruptive child whose mother isn't able to control them. Then the OP has no dilemma: he's not invited, end of.

The debate about whether it would be kind, understanding etc is precisely because people are worried that there might be more to his bad behaviour than just wilfulness, and more to his mother's inability to control it than slack parenting.

I don't know, zzzzz. My DS2 can be an absolute horror, in a way his older brother simply never was. They live under the same rules and the parenting difference is a rank thing and also a parental experience thing. He is often a total ratbag worse behaved 95% because of his character, I'm sure.

I absolutely disagree with telling the mother about behavioural problems. It is absolutely not the OP's place to do this or even to speculate as to the reaons for the behaviour problems. Fifteen are invited end of story.

Why do you think the OP should ignore the boy's behaviour, Vivienne? It's a valid reason not to have him at the party, I'm not suggesting the OP should speculate on SN/ADHD/any other reason, just tell her that his uncontrolled behaviour makes him too disruptive to join the party. Don't you think someone ought to enlighten her?

I think Viviennemary is right. I also agree with others that there could be many other opportunities to reach out to this mum/child but this is not the best time to do it. I have several friends who have children with emotional/behavioural difficulties and their lives are extremely hard at times. I try to be there for them as much as I can but I don't always invite their children to all of Dd's parties. We used to when she was younger but I honestly don't think you can expect your child to put up with another child thumping them or having screaming tantrums at their birthday party especially if this child is not someone that they are particularly friends with.

Thumbwitch, I totally understand what you are saying about enlightening the mum but I can't imagine it going well. At the end of the day OP isn't only refusing on the grounds of his behaviour she is refusing because of numbers. If she tells the other mum it is because of his behaviour it opens up a whole discussion that neither of them probably want to have. I thought OP said the school were addressing it at long last but I may have read that wrongly.

friday - he presumably doesn't have any dx from what the OP says. I object to diagnosis on the strength of a few lines on the internet. Also, my DS has ADHD and his behaviour is nothing like this. It really irritates me that the term is bandied about as a catch all for badly behaved and unkind to others.

he presumably doesn't have any dx from what the OP says

Fine. Then if people aren't supposed to speculate, he's just a badly behaved child whose ineffectual mother won't do anything about it. How does this help his situation?

She did say they had begun to address it in the last couple of weeks.

I know what you mean about not being able to imagine it going well but sometimes it takes bluntness to perforate the person's wilful head-in-the-sand attitude. I don't mean she should be unkind about it, not at all! - but if no one has said anything to the mum at all, ever, then she honestly may not realise how much of a problem his behaviour is, socially. She may not even associate the school thing with general behaviour.

I have been in this position (without the begging for an invitation) and had to say to the mum in question that I was very sorry but it wasn't an appropriate party for little X because his behaviour was too disruptive (although admittedly she did know that, and took it well and still speaks to me).

I really admire you Thumbwitch (I mean that sincerely) and I agree that it's possible that she doesn't realise other parents feel like this. I honestly couldn't say it though without getting all tongue tied and feeling terribly guilty which would then lead to me backing down which would then lead to my inviting the child and so on!!!

I'm not saying that he's just an out of control kid - there probably is some reason for his behaviour. There usually is.

But assuming he has ADHD because the school has approached the mum to have him 'tested' (And really? How does the OP know that?) is just a bit of a leap. There could be any number of reasons why a child is badly behaved - it's not always ADHD. That was my point.

Oooh I am also a mum of twins (they are 2 at the moment) and an older dd. Sometimes all 3 get invited to a party other times dd1 is not included. At the moment dtds are invited together but at school age I plan for separate classes and therefore fully expect invites for one and not the other. I plan to spend the time focusing on the dc at home or going to a cafe or something. They can't have everything the same - life isn't like that.

Having said that, I'm not sure how I'll cope if one dtd gets lots of invites and the other doesn't get any. If the boy never gets included then I understand why she's asked. That's a very upsetting thing to deal with.

That doesn't mean that is your problem though. I'd explain that you haven't got the space/funds for any extras.

I don't see this as a twin thing at all.

I think the mum is asking if you would consider including him as a favour to her, because he never gets invited anywhere.

I think it's up to you to decide whether you want to try and help this mum out. And I personally liked the earlier poster's suggestion that you don't invite him to the party, but invite the two of them with the mum to play in a couple of weeks' time.

That way your DC's party is not risked, and you are still offering a helping hand in a more managed environment.

You sound very kind OP. I think many would have said no and not worried about it.

As a mother of twin boys who are into the same things and whose friends intermingle and switch around , I found it really hard all through primary school when one was invited and the other wasn't just because of the disappointment and upset of the 'uninvited'.

Unfortunately it always seemed to be the one with minor learning difficulties, and low confidence because of that, who was left out but I would never have asked for him to be included as it is rather rude although at times I really wanted to but just muttered swearwords out of earshot of the DC instead .

Different sex twins are probably easier though as they will have different friends, likes and interests so easier to explain away to the uninvited one.

It is not the same as younger/older siblings at all. Twins (especially same sex ones) are obviously the same age, in the same year and know all the same DC.

I would just tell the Mum that you can't invite anymore kids to the party and I would leave it at that. I wouldn't give it much thought to be honest.

I would also be careful not to get involved if there is any gossiping at the school. Kids grow up and I have known some really naughty kids to grow up just fine.

At the end of the day, whatever issues this boy may or may not have, it is not the OP or her DD's responsibility or obligation to be involved in any way.

It's OK to just say NO!

Just say no, don't be guilt tripped into ruining your daughters party.